Crazy moment of thinking

inspiration! stay warm! stay cool!

Dear Qurratulain Dear myself, Dear Diary.. Dear Allah..
alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah. My hearts start to beat better now.

ada je terfikir, is this what I really want to do in my life?

What I want in my life? of course other than seeking and gaining Allah's bless. I'am thinking of how I want to shape my life with what I want, what is needed, what is important..

yeah..of course seeking of knowledge is essential indeed. I'm not denying that.

but..

going to lecture, tutorial, have tonnes of reading, assignments and essay to work on.

how I may stay with this life in the next couple of years??

if I dont acknowledge and recognize and say to myself.

This is what I want to do. and this will be my way..

searchin for which road to take in this life, is indeed really critical.

i used to think, supposed i be here? What I mean is supposed I studying at University of Toronto, in Canada, studying history, politics, economics, psychology and so on

is this what I want to do in my life?

I don't know. I just follow what Allah shows me and trusting the decision that I ever make is also with His will, therefore I am here.

fuhh..

self-crisis I would say.!

in a way getting twenty..

while the need in determining my way of life..conducting my own way of this precious life..

Determining what is IMPORTANT to me and also to other people, and what is not.

how important of this thing over something.

How a decision and action that I make today might affect what is tommorow.

day by day..somehow this question trigger me day by day.

I also thinking, will i stop doing what I want to do because of my fear of failure? why should let that fear stop you from doing things that you want to do in life. The chances are always once. I knew this life if we dont grab the opportunity now, perhaps we will miss it and never see it anymore in future.

But by thinking of this, also give me somehow a problem which I afraid of losing the chance. I always see the chance to do all the good things until I found myself somehow pre-occupied and need to consider which is much important to me. But then, I realize there are something can wait and there are something that will never have the second chance. Just like to think, at least if I die, how can the deed I did today may bring me to pass the sirotul mustaqim or at least help me in akhirat..

when thinking this, keeping balance of choices that I have to make day by day, make me realize and always want to realize and keep on making my goal of akhirat and jannah the most important thing in a decision. not even neglecting what I 'supposed' to do, but just try to turn on the other side that I need to be aware of. How busy am I, I should not make my eyes blind what happening around me. what if I die today, what have I done as a bekal (preparation) for my kampung akhirat?? I this deed can somehow give a guarantee and help me out when the day of judgement occured?


Thinking of this, really make my decision become more wise than before. Not only thinking the benefit of this world for the future but thinking of something that I believe is certain.

itulah hakikat IMAN.

kadang2 selalu terlupa je pasal rukun iman, apa yang patut diimani, n apa yang kita berimankan. the very basic thing indeed really crucial.

well somehow this morning I am thinking and pondering of something else too.

Hm...
why I always get low mark?

I knew I work hard but but hardwork in university i really a waste if it is not efficient and productive.

What is efficient?

Tell me what is efficient? I knew what that's word mean but I cant pun my words better that what I'm thinking in my head.

ahha. what I'm ranting.

okay this not really my point here. my point is, I want to say that I'm thinking all the way to campus

hmm..maybe one of the factor is because I dont really engage with all those subjects. I do feel it is important of my course - (social science, international relations) but I don't feel so connected. What should I do? Maybe I found it is not really pick my interest much. Yeah..learning about something that so abroad. Oh..if I'm not that interest maybe I should do something else..

erm..maybe if let say anything happen, i just go back my country and study about my religion deeper..aha.i used to think just went to pondok2. jadi budak pondok..I am always find myself interested with religion..

BUT..

hey come on..why u need to feel give up so early?

you are already here.
and you have choose your way here.

why you still keep thinking

oh..maybe i should accept my DQ(darul quran) offer last two years..
and be what i want to be..huffaz the whole quran and the be something something..

neh. remember this is such a ridiculous thought that setan really want to bother u.

come one. remember this one hadis rasulullah not encouraged to use the word 'maybe' with something that had past.

why when you find your life getting harder and you feel you want to run away. in fact, those kind of thing will never make you any better.


just now I have appointment at writing centre. express myself, address my problems in getting started working on ESSAYS.

and when I get to talk with her, I found like. .WOW..

I getting interested to know more about this world, about history, about politics ..I can see how important and crucial for me to really study and work harder on this course.

When she start to brainstorm some ideas that I should consider and look upon. For example some of the questions that related to my research on an analysis the significance of a major peace treaty to international systems.

She start giving me some questions. Brain storiming. I chose treaty of versailles.

and here some question that have change my passion and I found myself getting more interested to know and seek the answer!

Try to think of how the process of the treaty in making?
you can try see the world map and look what happen before 1919 and after 1919
how all those territories and the other part of the world was divided ?
how the treaty change the world ?
how world being divided.
for example,

might be you can see whether there is change in ur country,

Malaysia before 1919 and after 1919.
who has the power?
Why they want to divide the world with that certain way?

You can look on europe and maybe can ask ur TA which should be focus on. Either on europe or you can also include other part of the world.

For example, before 1919 ottoman empire the territory is almost the east part. but what happen after 1919. how this treaty has changed the world. See what has comfe from this treaty that make some country exist for today.

memang superb ah..

bila dia sebut pasal ottoman empire. uish..ISK..berdegup kencang plak ati aku dengar. sure r aku nak tau..

so, to conclude my point, erm.kadang2 kita nak je something. tapi kita jumpa benda lain. kita tak tau benda tu kita minat ke tak. tapi kita tak reject mentah2 n tak jugak ikut rasa nak buat benda yg kita nak buat je. kita ikut apa peluang yg kita dapat. makanya, nak kata, explore la peluang2 yg ada. jgn biar peluang yg ada tu tertutup dek kerana kita rasa mungkin kita patut jadi apa yg kita betul2 nak jadi..sebab..kita tak tau apa yang terbaik tuk kita. at the end of the day, sbnrnya kita tak tau pun apa yg kita tak minat tu sbnrnya benda tu jauh lagi baik n suit dgn hati kita yg sebenar-benarnya..

sbb juz sharing ape yg ku rasa. aku ada je terpk,,mcm..ape aku nak buat belajar benda2 ni. nanti nak keje ape. tak nampak bayang2..dah tu belajar benda2 ni apa yg aku bleh dpt n sumbangkan..

but at last, aku dapat satu pahaman..ko xya risau2 nanti nak jadi ape, in future tu kita bukan tau. n tak bleh nak plan pun future camne. apa yg penting skang, belajar je benda yg rasa2 boleh bg manfaat to make a difference in future. faham sejarah. learnt the lesson. belajar politik, tgk cara org tadbir negara. belajar psycho, tengok camne kesan pemikiran ke atas tindakan seseorang, tgk camne cara org berfikir dipengaruhi dgn faktor2 yg ada. belajar ekonomi..? hmm.aku still tgh cari passion kenapa aku kena belajar ekonomi. even kelas ekonomi la paling aku lemah. haprak tak paham. tapi subjek ni plak yg aku skor. ajaib betol . teringat aku masa sekolah rendah dlu..kelas ustazah hasbiah. ajar bahasa arab. bukan aku paham sangat apa dia ajar lagi2 ajar macam garang je. tapi kelas dia ar aku skor. hmm..ada kaitan dgn berkat tak? tapi kelas econ tak nampak pun..kelas politik, maunya aku cuba struggle nak paham tapi exam kantoi gak. -_-

teringat pasal semalam. semalam dalam tekanan jiwa, aku rasa jiwa aku mula bebas, bila satu persatu blog-blog aku singgah mencari kekuatan dalaman. dari blog awin, ke blog kak tiqah, ke blog adik dia, then ke blog hilal asyraf, ..ada blog2 lain jugak. ada saja mesej2 yg tersirat yang aku pelajari. satu benda yg aku suka, aku sangat suka akan peringatan. suka nak dekat dengan orang2 yang Ingat Tuhan, ingatkan pasal Alam akhirat ingatkan balik apa yang kekal. baru aku tersedar, aku sekarang ni dalam ujian. sume benda yg susah2, n rasa berat, payah, perit...ha ni r namanye ujian! ayoyo..camne r bleh terlupa. bila da teringat, dapat pulak ayat2 pengasih..teringat pasal tarbiyah..huhu...

lately, after secra telusnya buat curahan hati dengan semut2, aku terasa mcm..ntahla. mcm2 perasaan yg best aku dapat. seronok bc cerita semut2 yg jugak berkongsi rasa. memang berkongsi rasa tu signifikan sangat. bercakap dgn org, dari hati..sungguh mengesankan jiwa. nangis je bila baca. tersentuh. TT_TT..sebut pasal nangis, teringat post hilal asyraf pasal menangis kerana Allah. betul2 satu peringatan. entah bila r aku last nangis2 kerana Allah. takut amalan tak ckup. rasa diri hina. huu..selalu tak terasa pun diri ni hamba giler2. rasa biasa2. mungkin hanyut ngan dunia tak ingat kampung akhirat.

terpukul gak baca kisah2 sahabat. Alangkan rasulullah yg maksum, suci giler xde dosa tu pun MENANGIS. kita spe nak bandingkan dgn rasululah?? ckp sket.. kita ni siapa???

dosa bertimbun menggunung kott. kalau tak sedar diri lagi, tak tau la. tapi terasa insaf kejap. harap insaf ni, mengesankan jiwa pastu membuahkan amal n tindakan. tak hilang n lupa camtu je. sbbtu perluny peringatan. mmg peringatan tu betul2 bermanfaat bagi org beriman. sbb tu kena kuatkan diri utk sama2 kuatkan org lain jgk. suke r post hilal pasal cinta gak. ntah camne bleh terbaca. now baru paham skop bercinta dalam islam. oh sungguh sweet. kita sayang dia, nak bawak dia masuk syurga sama2 dgn kita. cinta kita cinta yang suci. sampai boleh tembus nak bawak ke pintu gerbang syurga. kalau kita tau kita nak cinta yg suci tu, mestila kita nak pelihara cinta kita tu dari ternoda..tak nak ade kotor2 n daki y melekat. by jauhi apa yg terlarang oleh Allah.

bila direnungkan dgn mendalam, baru dapat mesej dia. rupanya saya pernah jatuh cinta..rasa nak n sayang org tu smp nak selamatkan dia n tunjuk jalan yg boleh bawak kita ke syurga..sblum ni tak sedar yg itu dinamakan cinta.

hmm..bila paham, memang cinta tu best la. bagi power. baru faham kenapa ada fitrah cinta tu. kalau bukan sebab cinta, kita tak rasa nak dekat dgn org tu. kalau bkn sebab cinta, kita mungkin tak hirau pun pasal org tu. tapi bila teringat org tu n nak dia sama2 ngan kita sama2 nak pegi syurga, baru kita hirau n kongsi apa2 je yg kita rasa dpt smpaikan kita dgn dia ke syurga. indah nya..so sweet babeh. i like it.thanks Allah for give me something precious and worth to think about n feel in.

aku ada gak dalam jalan2 terpk..

how can we run from doin mistake again and again?

manusia tu mmg xbleh larikan diri dari buat silap. mesti ada je silap dia kat mana2. tapi org kata, as long we learnt, and not keep the same mistake. but what about if we tend to keep on doing the same thing again and again?

soalan retoric..

ok..my pen should off.

tak larat da nak meluah rasa..
shud start working on my research..

to my dear buddies..
do keep praying for me ya..
love u all for the sake of Him..

ma'assalam.