Ahad, Februari 27

menjadi kakak..


bukan mudah menjadi kakak. seumur hidup dia, dia tak pernah ada adik(baca: adik kandung). ditakdirkan adik dalam kandungan, gugur dan tak sempat nak lahir menjadi adik dia. Bila kena ada adik, dia rasa sangat kekok. kadang2 tak reti nak layan sebab selama dia hidup, dia selalu ada kakak yang memperlakukan dia sebagai adik. selalu dilayan seperti adik walau mungkin dia bukan 'adik' lagi.

watak adik tu macam dah sebati dengan identiti dia tapi jiwa adik perlu membesar menjadi kakak. bila dah besar, dia sedar dia dah bukan lagi boleh nak manja-manja jadi adik selamanya. diadah kena jadi kakak. nak tak nak kena jugak pegang watak kakak walau rasa tak nak lepaskan 'status' dan 'jawatan' adik yang dia pegang selama ni.

adik-adik,.dah ada depan mata yang makin membesar secara fizikal dan inteleknya..perlunya untuk kakak besarkan jiwanya agar fizikal dan intelek tidak lumpuh begitu saja.

dia nak jugak tengok adik-adik dia membesar macam adik-adik orang lain. dia selalu rasa kadang-kadang dia bukan kakak yang baik. dia tengok je adik-adik orang lain dah laju dah berdiri, berlari, main kejar-kejar. Adik-adik dia masih lagi main teng-teng, lompat katak, lompat tikus. main lompat-lompat je. (mungkin sebab kakaknya suka main lompat2 jugak sebab tu adik2 dia mcm tu :( )

kadang-kadang ada siang dan malam dia tak tau nak buat apa dengan adik2. terasa macam blurr semacam. sangat tak tau nak jadi kakak macamana tapi somehow dia memang dah jadi kakak dah pun. kadang2 terasa macam jadi kakak yang 'lambat kering'..kakak yang tak begerak. kaku tengok adik yang masih dalam buai. kalau didodoi makin lena..padahal adik dah besar walau belum cukup 'membesar'

dia nak je tengok adik-adik dia membesar, main lari2, main kejar2, dari main teng2 atau lompat2 je.

walau apapun dia mengerti, adik-adik dia tak mungkin dapat jadi sama macam adik-adik orang lain.dia pun tak dapat jadi sebagus dan semantap kakak-kakak yang lain. tapi dia tau dia kena cuba contohi kakak-kakak yang ada walau kadang2 tu ada terasa ada kakak yang memang terlebih advance dari dia buat dia terasa tertingal gerabak..

keretapi tetap je berjalan.. dia cuba juga mainkan watak kakak dan dia mengerti menjadi kakak beerti kena sanggup beralah, kena sanggup berkorban, care pasal adik lebih dari diri sendiri, selalu fikir kebaikan adik, nak yang terbaik untuk adik. seorang kakak takkan biarkan adik dia main dengan api. adik dia dekat dengat api pun akan terbunyi siren. marah dia kat adik sebab sayangnya kakak kat adik tu sampai dia tak nak tengok adik dia terluka.

kalau tengok budak2 yang baru dapat adik, dia sangat2 melekat dengan adik dia, sangat excited dapat adik, sangat menjaga adik dia. sangat-sangat protective. kalau kita acah nak 'pinjam' adik dia, dia boleh je meronta-ronta menangis tanda tak nak kasi, lagi meraunglah dia kalau bangun tengok2, adik dia 'hilang', akan melilau-lilaulah dia mencari-cari mana adik dia..

menjadi kakak, kena kuat.. kena jaga adik. sebab dia sayang adik dia lebih dari diri dia.

walau tak pernah cuba untuk menjadi kakak sebelum ni, tapi demi tangga-tangga yang mahu didaki, adik yang masih terkedek-kedek sedang cuba belajar menjadi kakak. moga-moga Allah sentiasa tsabatkan hati ini..

Rabu, Februari 16

Explore to exploit (iPad review)

Testing my friends's iPad. I'm so excited more than her. She not really excited in getting iPad. She refused to take it at first from her brother. erk..interesting girl. (only if she know how much is iPad worth!)

My first few mins with iPad..

Surely try to get access to internet..after few attempts I manage to get access to it. Now in process of exploring this new gadget. This is my review for the first hour

  • Not used to touch screen. At first feel like less pleasure (rasa mcm kurang nikmat plak bila taip touch screen ni. Kali laptop Ada bunyik2 sket. 
  • Plus senang typo n sometimes find this gadget has it's own limit. Mcm xde button arrow. 
  • Kalo typing nak betulkan spelling ke Mcm susan sket.
  • Sometimes get annoyed maybe because of 'tak kecekapan'
  • Xde usb port so ssh r Kalo nak transfer file ke
  • Xde button control so rs mcm awckward..maybe that's why org beli keyboard
  • good for reading but not really for typing (at least for me)

Now get used to touch screen keyboard.not that bad. I guess in 5 years there will be more gadget touchscreen. So better get use to it now or later as technology is fast developed.
And to master it will be added value.

Have to be a fast learner for anything

Gotcha! Want to study for tomorrow class. HAVE READING NEED TO BE DONE (ops supposedly shudnt be caps..

Ok. This post is using iPad. There might be some typos here and there. The list might be longer in future.

Sabtu, Februari 12

study for what?

when I was studying, some thoughts came to my mind..

studying for grade? or studying for Allah?
or studying for grade for Allah?

... studying for the sake of learning...

I hope I can make it

by time that I felt overwhelmed in getting good grades, doing well in everything, I try to have a little pause to reflect.

yes, grades really a matter for certain thing in future.
no doubt and it is undeniable.

however I just wonder if myself afraid not to have a good grade more than I afraid my intention in doing it is not sincere  and pure enough to please Him.

is study only for grade? if that's the case, only grade that I will get. what a waste!

really really in need to refresh my intention for each secs. I hope my intention not going astray and misleading.

do it with ihsaan.
try to do the best in every single deeds as Allah is watching.

I hope that I'm not studying only for grade even I'm really concern about it. (really?)

do it as Allah commanded it.

Iqra'! read!

that's the biggest problem I have for now. What I'm lacking from others is read. Knowledge is the extra value in oneself.

my father told me, imam syafi'e finish reading the book before he came to study with his teacher. isn't that enough to show an example how dedicated and committed he is in learning.

There so much things I need to catch up and so much things in me that need to be improved. One of them is reading habit.

Really really there so much responsibilities to be fulfilled!

duty and rights.

as a servant to God
as a khalifah
as a muslim
as a da'i
as a student

yet actually, all can be included in 1.

something that picked my interest..

the learning bill of rights

  • I have the right to take control of my own learning proces
  • I have the right to define success in my own terms
  • I have the right not to feel put down if I am slower than others
  • I have the right to need extra help
  • I have the right to say I don't understand.

the learning set of responsibilities

  • I have the responsibility to take control of my own learning process
  • I have the responsibility to think and act positively
  • I have the responsibility to develop personal strategies for learning, for taking tests, for developing an overview of subject material and for solving problems.
  • I have the responsibility to actively attend class.
  • I have the responsiblity to complete assignments
  • I have the responsibility to participate in classroom acitivities
  • I have the responsibility to help others when asked and needed.

Jumaat, Februari 11



Today I spoke to my TAs. I don't know what to do. Indecisive. Almost two weeks I'm just messed up. Miserable mind. Considering should I drop the course or I should not.

When I was in my first year, I thought I want to do International Relations as I felt that it sounds interesting. But at the end of my first year, I thought maybe I need to reconsider about it and do something else. I do have a high hope and high expectation to get in however as my grade doesn't fit the program I think to give up. Plus, I'm not so sure whether I really want to do IR.

When it comes to second year, I just need to make a decision. It seems the choices are limited. I just randomly pick Near Middle Easter Civilization as my major and double minor in Religion and Women Gender Studies. The choice ismade without thorough thinking as that's the options that available. I  don't really see I have many choices. I really don't know what to do and I just thought to pick something easy to me. Yet, what it seems easy, not really easy as it is. Turns out, I end up thinking whether this is the right decision ever.

Considering what major to be in, maybe not really a big deal to some people. Yet to me, it's a matter of choices and decision that I have to make for my life. Definitely everything, is a life decision. Well, supposedly it shouldnot be something that overwhelmed myself. As what my major in or what degree I have not necessarily determine what I will be in future.

I'm just stucked for few days for making decision the best and right for myself. Should I drop few courses or should I stick to it? My TA told me,

don't make a decision based on reaction.

First reason I thought to drop, 'I can't handle it.'. Actually, I still can manage it but it just that I feel overwhelmed and lose directions. Sometimes being oblivious what's going on surround me can just driving me crazy.

My other instructor advised me about the priority in my life that I should consider about such as what I want to do in my life. She said,

"if you want to be a mother, or housewife you might not need to have a professional degree. depends on your goal in life. If you want to earn a lot of money, you might consider to be in business. Like me, I want to be a teacher therefore I'm thinking about what I want and can teach. You have to visualize how and what you want to be in your future"

Her insights give me pause for thoughts.

I'm in a dilemma where I know somewhere to go but I don't know what it really is.

What I really want to do in my life?

It's a big question. Surely to serve Him. but how? There are lots of ways in doing it and you just have to know which way the best fit you and stick to it.

Going back to the matter of 'major and degree'. I found that I doesn't really matter what degree or what major are you in. At the end of the day, Allah not going to look what degree do you have. When you are in grave, the angel not ging to ask what are you major in. However he might ask you what did you do with your degree and your major.

Come back thinking of this, makes me realize sometimes we just go too far but the answers are actually there for us. Basic questions that we might forget to ask ourselves.

Why are we here?
Where are we come from?
Where are we going after this?

Sometimes, you get overwhelmed with something that supposedly be the tool for you to reach other goals.

Sometimes you just get busy with something that supposedly to make your life easy.

I don't what how the best way to express what's playing in my minds. Just to think that everything has the purpose. Sometimes when we just forget and losing the sense of purpose of doing something, that is where the problems getting in.

As what I read somewhere, goals direct to the sense of purpose and purpose leads to a plan and a plan create the actions and gradually grow good habits leads to success.

On my way back to home, I tried to reflect and visualize myself.. Only God knows what I really want to be. Deep inside my heart, I wish I could be a housewife, a mother of the nation. I don't know what a degree can do about it but I believe in the way in getting a degree for education would teach me a lot in to be a better person.

A better person in term of time management, dealing with stress, making decisions. Somewhere I learn something about life even it's not as much as what I learn for degree. However, as the environment I grow can be the place that shape my thoughts and behaviors.

As she said, the idea of undgraduate studies is for to let student learn  how to deal with stress, time management, making decisions, learn how to read and write. I believe she meant read and write critically. The same thing what my father told me, the purpose of studying at university is for you to think maturely. Having you own opinions and you own way of thinking.

I don't know what I'm crapping here but I guess I just love to write about my life reflection. What's going on, the insights and lesson that I learnt..

I could say what I passion about however somehow right now I've become limited person due to the choices I made in the past.

This interesting article, give me a new insights where I should focus more on what I passion the most, what I enjoy and love to do. Living with passion.

I believe the only key that get you keep going is when you love to do what you do. 

It is interesting when I spoke to my TA, and she told me to have some fun and be gentle to myself. When I ponder, it seems to me, actually you don't really need time to have fun. If you already have fun in what you are doing, and you enjoy doing it, you don't need to allocate special time to 'have some fun'. To me it seems like a 'secular' thinking. 

Well, well, well I guess I should stop here as this writing going no where. This writing really has no direction. The purpose of this writing is only to let go my minds. This is call free writing. I can't keep it inside. It's just too much for me. Hopefully, one day when I read back this writing, it reminds me how I manage to go through the challenges in my life. I might laugh and smile when I read this back- with terrible grammar. 

Let's get back to work. 2 Midterms next week!

May Allah guides me to have a good decision.
Seeing beautiful snow just warm my heart even it's really really cold here.

*TA - Teaching Asisstant

Isnin, Februari 7

It's a climb

there's always another hill to climb
I got to keep trying
I need to be strong
I need to keep going
I need to keep pushing
this struggle, this chance
can be only once..

wasta'inu bissobri wassolah..
kerana Tuhanmu, bersabarlah..

saya mahu membesar

ya Allah Qurratulain..

apa nak jadi ni..
ko tau kan ada assignment due esok?
tau je ada assignment overdue
tau je
sedar tak ni?
tau kan ini amanah?
tau kan ni tanggungjawab?

yes, yes, yes..

[sedang cuba marah diri sendiri]

again I'm confused with myself.
- committed in the same time oblivious -
*terasa macam tahap oblivious yang kronik. pernah terjadi ngadap depan pc for hours tanpa berbuat apa2.
 no fb, no email, no skype. just termangu dan ngelamun kosong. sedar2 tau2 dah azan for next.
what's going on?
I really want to ask myself, what's going on with me?
I don't know but I knew everything is on..

O Allah
please please please help me
as I couldn't help myself without Your help.
I feel so helpless
I'm not strong without You.

terasa macam nak berteriak 'marah saya please..!'

mungkin saya telah BIASA dibesarkan dengan dimarahi. bila takde sape marah terasa macam tak 'membesar' je. bukan bermakna tak boleh membesar. tapi itu bermakna perlu 'besarkan' diri sendiri tanpa bergantung atau berharap orang lain untuk membesarkan diri yang dah 'besar' ni.

bila orang marah, itu tandanya dia care bukan?

same thing bila saya rasa sangat marah dengan someone tu. marahnya saya pada dia sebab perbuatan dia yang boleh buat Allah marah. saya bukan marah dia sebab saya benci or tak suka dia in person. tapi sebab saya care pasal dia, takut Allah laknat dia, sebab tu saya marah. saya sayang dia. saya tak nak dia terjerumus dalam api neraka. saya nak selamatkan dia. tapi dia? tak boleh salahkan dia juga sebab tau dia jahil. saya yang berilmu ni patutlah lagi risaukan diri sendiri yang tak selamat sebabnya saya bertanggungjawab untuk beritahu apa yang salah dan kenapa ianya salah kepada dia. bukan hanya sekadar marah saja. perlu 'educate' dia.

ok. need to stop. back to work.

ya Allah ..
jadikanlah aku orang yang pandai menjaga waktu,
kuat melawan hawa nafsu, luas pemikiran, teratur dalam urusan,
mampu berdikari serta bermanfaat pada orang lain ..

kurniakan daku tubuh badan yang kuat,
aqidah, ibadah dan akhlak yang mantap.

*rindu bebelan itu
*terasa macam saya bukan 'saya'
*first time in this blog guna 'saya'. (mcm best pulak)

Jumaat, Februari 4

insight of second volcano


now I can realized how painful it is for a child seeing and experiencing their beloved parents divorce.
now I can feel how painful it is too see the beloved fighting, quarrel, complaining, arguing..

may Allah make those people keep strong in their life. ameen.

alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal. My family is good. 

sh.yusuf badat said in halaqah today, see from the negative thing, 'what can I learn from this?'.

He also told that the prophet said, people will never satisfy. 
"If there were two valleys of gold for the son of Adam, he would long for another one and his mouth will not be filled but with dust, and Allah returns to him who repents. (Muslim)

We can't satisfy everybody.  Bear that in mind, Qur.. That's the fact.

Prophet peace be upon him said, avoid arguing. avoid arguing. don't fight.(i cant really remember the exact hadith). yes. stay from the evil and bad. abstain yourself from arguing. thats what prophet taught.

A righteous person is considered as such because of the bad deeds they don't do. - Abu Taubah.

remember that, Qur? yeah..
just hold on, okay. hold on..hold on.. 
sollu 'alannabi..sollu 'alannabi..
only the righteous will be in jannah. will be in paradise. 
you wanna be in paradise? then don't follow shaytan's trap, okay. 

Allah said, be gentle in your speech. yes. gentle. 

I pray that Allah will hold myself. Assobru minal iman.

AllahI seek refuge in You from the evil of that which I have done and theevil of that which I have not done
If you don't hold me, I will fall to evil.  Shaytan is just there for me. Anytime I will fall in his trap. 

My iman is not that strong. 
I knew You are strong. Provide me strength to be steadfast in faith.

Allah is there. Allah knows everything. Allah is just.


ya Allah. ampunkan segala dosaku. zahir batin. besar kecik. detik hati, fikiran yang bukan2.  

*oh setan.. syuh syuh! kite tak kawan awak OK! gi main jauh-jauh!!!!

gunung berapi ke-2,

Rabu, Februari 2

ethics and manners that we sometimes forget ..

people sometimes get selfish
but what can makes a person heart change?
- beautiful manners -
The beautiful manners will speak for us
the beauty of kindness and goodness that people did to us may makes us start to think about others and reflect..

people talking bad to you
people did the bad things to you
people that really make you pissed off

how will you react?

will you  talk the same bad way as them?
will you want to do greater badness to them?
or will you just be patient and calm down

be gentle in your speech no matter how mad you are
because speaking badly will not make any differences 
in fact no good at all
avoid arguing, avoid complaining.

that's what our beloved prophet taught us. - to be ethical. good manners

"Insulting someone is all one needs to do to commit a sin.” (Muslim, "Birr" 32; Tirmizi, "Birr" 18; Abu Dawud)

 “The believers are the people that love other people and are loved by them; those that get along with other people and themselves well.” (Ahmad ibn Hanbal, Musnad, V. 335).

“The people who say bad things about other people, who curse other people, who habitually say bad things and who perform bad actions are not believers.” (Tirmizi, "Birr" 48).

Our Prophet's had showed by example,

He did not try to find fault with other people, he did not think to take revenge, he did not ask for anything anyone, he who did not reject any gifts or invitations, he cursed no one, he always wished good things for everyone, he always acted as a provider, and he never said “I have none”, not even once. (Bukhari, "Manaqib" 23; "Adab" 80; "Hudud" 10, 43; Muslim, "Fadail" 77; Muwatta, "Husn al-Huluq" 1; Abu Dawud, "Adab" 4)

did we really apply it in our life?
reminders and reflections for myself

life teaching me a lesson that I hope I will not forget
a lesson that makes me learnt

thank you Allah for this beautiful lessons for my life.

“Allah sees all my actions, hears all my utterances, and knows everything that I think.”