overwhelmed

confused..miserable

Today I spoke to my TAs. I don't know what to do. Indecisive. Almost two weeks I'm just messed up. Miserable mind. Considering should I drop the course or I should not.

When I was in my first year, I thought I want to do International Relations as I felt that it sounds interesting. But at the end of my first year, I thought maybe I need to reconsider about it and do something else. I do have a high hope and high expectation to get in however as my grade doesn't fit the program I think to give up. Plus, I'm not so sure whether I really want to do IR.

When it comes to second year, I just need to make a decision. It seems the choices are limited. I just randomly pick Near Middle Easter Civilization as my major and double minor in Religion and Women Gender Studies. The choice ismade without thorough thinking as that's the options that available. I  don't really see I have many choices. I really don't know what to do and I just thought to pick something easy to me. Yet, what it seems easy, not really easy as it is. Turns out, I end up thinking whether this is the right decision ever.

Considering what major to be in, maybe not really a big deal to some people. Yet to me, it's a matter of choices and decision that I have to make for my life. Definitely everything, is a life decision. Well, supposedly it shouldnot be something that overwhelmed myself. As what my major in or what degree I have not necessarily determine what I will be in future.

I'm just stucked for few days for making decision the best and right for myself. Should I drop few courses or should I stick to it? My TA told me,

don't make a decision based on reaction.

First reason I thought to drop, 'I can't handle it.'. Actually, I still can manage it but it just that I feel overwhelmed and lose directions. Sometimes being oblivious what's going on surround me can just driving me crazy.

My other instructor advised me about the priority in my life that I should consider about such as what I want to do in my life. She said,

"if you want to be a mother, or housewife you might not need to have a professional degree. depends on your goal in life. If you want to earn a lot of money, you might consider to be in business. Like me, I want to be a teacher therefore I'm thinking about what I want and can teach. You have to visualize how and what you want to be in your future"

Her insights give me pause for thoughts.

I'm in a dilemma where I know somewhere to go but I don't know what it really is.

What I really want to do in my life?

It's a big question. Surely to serve Him. but how? There are lots of ways in doing it and you just have to know which way the best fit you and stick to it.

Going back to the matter of 'major and degree'. I found that I doesn't really matter what degree or what major are you in. At the end of the day, Allah not going to look what degree do you have. When you are in grave, the angel not ging to ask what are you major in. However he might ask you what did you do with your degree and your major.

Come back thinking of this, makes me realize sometimes we just go too far but the answers are actually there for us. Basic questions that we might forget to ask ourselves.

Why are we here?

Where are we come from?

Where are we going after this?

Sometimes, you get overwhelmed with something that supposedly be the tool for you to reach other goals.

Sometimes you just get busy with something that supposedly to make your life easy.

I don't what how the best way to express what's playing in my minds. Just to think that everything has the purpose. Sometimes when we just forget and losing the sense of purpose of doing something, that is where the problems getting in.

As what I read somewhere, goals direct to the sense of purpose and purpose leads to a plan and a plan create the actions and gradually grow good habits leads to success.

On my way back to home, I tried to reflect and visualize myself.. Only God knows what I really want to be. Deep inside my heart, I wish I could be a housewife, a mother of the nation. I don't know what a degree can do about it but I believe in the way in getting a degree for education would teach me a lot in to be a better person.

A better person in term of time management, dealing with stress, making decisions. Somewhere I learn something about life even it's not as much as what I learn for degree. However, as the environment I grow can be the place that shape my thoughts and behaviors.

As she said, the idea of undgraduate studies is for to let student learn  how to deal with stress, time management, making decisions, learn how to read and write. I believe she meant read and write critically. The same thing what my father told me, the purpose of studying at university is for you to think maturely. Having you own opinions and you own way of thinking.

I don't know what I'm crapping here but I guess I just love to write about my life reflection. What's going on, the insights and lesson that I learnt..

I could say what I passion about however somehow right now I've become limited person due to the choices I made in the past.

This interesting article, give me a new insights where I should focus more on what I passion the most, what I enjoy and love to do. Living with passion.

I believe the only key that get you keep going is when you love to do what you do. 

It is interesting when I spoke to my TA, and she told me to have some fun and be gentle to myself. When I ponder, it seems to me, actually you don't really need time to have fun. If you already have fun in what you are doing, and you enjoy doing it, you don't need to allocate special time to 'have some fun'. To me it seems like a 'secular' thinking. 

Well, well, well I guess I should stop here as this writing going no where. This writing really has no direction. The purpose of this writing is only to let go my minds. This is call free writing. I can't keep it inside. It's just too much for me. Hopefully, one day when I read back this writing, it reminds me how I manage to go through the challenges in my life. I might laugh and smile when I read this back- with terrible grammar. 

Let's get back to work. 2 Midterms next week!

May Allah guides me to have a good decision.

Seeing beautiful snow just warm my heart even it's really really cold here.


*TA - Teaching Asisstant