Isnin, Mac 30

My IELTS a test of Iman!

I can only thank Allah for this blessing on me

For giving me sakina (calmness) in this tranquility

Thank you ya Allah for the test on me.

I should be grateful that Allah want give this test to me.
Hey why me? Why not others? I know He knows that I can make it. I am able to take it.
Do you know how it feel, when you just don’t get what you expect?
It’s kinda sad. But I believe it also a test from Him.

My friend’s IELTS result was pretty good. Michael! One of the result that quite a shock to me. He got 8. and for speaking, he got 7. Before that, I heard his story how terrible he did. Then I just said, have faith. Who know’s there will be miracle. Because he looks like very very down. Although when we just back from the test, in the bus, he still talk about the mistakes he did. Hmm..Although I’m quite satisfied that I could answer well but it just doesn’t mean everything goes well. Sometimes what you expect it will not be as it is. Then, I said to him, “don’t worry I’ll pray for you. How much you want? 7? 8?” He said, if can 7 but if 6.5 that’s just enough. Well, I have make a special prayer after that. I don’t know. After he told me how terrible he did, I really wish that Allah can give him chance. I pray hard for him. Seriously I did. But today, a bit sad to talk about the result I got. Why he got? Why I don’t?

But I know I shouldn’t be sad. I know this is a test from Allah for me. This is just a test. I used to see my other friend, use to ask to myself..”hey how come they can pass and I’m not? What they did? I’m not too bad though..” sometimes the bad thought come to my mind. But I’ll try to accept as it is. As that is one part of iman (faith) which is ‘redho’ or in other word, accept what it is from Him. I learn that, it is also not about luck, but it consider the effort. I could say that other people work harder than me. Maybe not? I don’t know. But He knows what the best for me.

How the IELTS result test me? Yeah. It is not only about the writing, speaking, reading and listening test. But it also a test of faith and believe of me to Him. Proof? I pray for my friend, and he got 8! How powerful is that. The power of prayer. The power of God. The power of Allah. He can do anyting He wants. And me? Haha. Actually, I admit that, I just forgot to ask Him for myself. Seriously ‘forgot’. I don’t really pray much and specifically ask to Him. Even I wish, I more ask other people to pray for me rather than pray for myself. Ironic isn’t it? Yeah. I know He can just give me, even I don’t ask Him. He able to do anything. But maybe He wants to teach me, you want something, you need to ASK! Yeah..sort of. That’s one of the thing that I could consider. I need to ask more, and I believe, IELTS have strengthen my belief to Him and also my faith. Stronger my iman.

Thank you Ya Allah for this test. Even the path is different from other people, I believe that to pay for re-sit IELTS RM530 is just ‘nothing’ as compared to the ‘lesson’ that I got. The price to ‘upgrade’ my iman and yakin. Only believe in Him.

And be not infirm, and be not grieving, and you shall have the upper hand if you are believers. ~Al –Imraan 3:139~

“Janganlah kamu bersikap lemah dan janganlah pula kamu bersedih hati, padahal kamulah orang-orang yang paling tinggi darjatnya jika kamu orang-orang yang beriman.” (Ali-Imran:139)


Bila orang tanya,"IELTS camne? "

aku menjawab lemah, "tak lepas.."

aduhai..lemah terasa! sendi2 ni ibarat bergetar je rasa..ya Allah..hebatnya ujian dari-Mu..

satu tarbiyah buat diriku.

iri terasa bersama teman2 yang lepas. iri..terasa sungguh.

tapi teman2 yang lepas, aku turut tumpang gembira. cuma mengenangkan aku? oh..
takperla. buat je apa yang termampu. aku pun bakal 're-sit' balik sabtu ni. dah bayaq pon. tak ya nak pk da. nak sedey pon, tarak guna.

cuma, perasaan tu masih ada. dan aku pasti, akan hilang jua. perasaan itu akan berganti. cuma perasaan itu mahu kuabadi dan rakam di sini. kerana perasaan itu akan hilang. dan aku mahu dia hilang.

Even, I saw my friend that succeed, and I'm not yet, they always give encouragement and support. like when I asked Michael about his IELTS and the tips to be good as him ( he got 9 for listening and 8 for reading! mmg salute), he said to me.." don't worry. you will be fine..." he said 2-3 times. and he said, "don't be sad. you will be ok.just be strong " ..

oh..thank you friend for the moral support. appreciate it so much. it's kinda hard on me. I know many people expect I'm doing well. Even me, expect it to be good and super-well. But it doesn't. and I knew He made this for reasons. I knew it and I believe in Him why He makes this to me, the only thing to make me closer to Him.

Sedey jugak bila orang tanye about my IELTS. bila cakap tak lepas. fuh.. lemah je terasa. now i could feel, how it feel if i still 'main-main' , tak serius, tak sungguh-sungguh. This 'test' really teach me a lot. Cukup2lah Qurratul. Now is time to focus. Now I can feel, what If I don't throw the 'laziness' in me now, then I will be hurt tomorrow. If I don't want this to happen on me later on, then please! You really need to CHANGE! Put more EFFORT! Pray hard! Work Hard! (its not you, its me by the way. it just like i'm talking to myself)


walau apa pun, hari ni aku macam punya sedikit semangat. a bit spirit from Him. starting Saturday night I begin to have flu. and getting sick from yesterday until today. Feel so terrible, my body shaking and getting drowsy. But this morning, a bit feel like want to have 'fresh start'. Well, there something good to hear from other person today about me.

I have a speaking practice with Mr. Hanna this evening and he said a lot of good things to me. Like he said, "Ain, you had improved so much! Since I met you in July last year, and now is almost April, a lot of improvement. Your fluency, comprehend, and also your speaking. You improved a lot. It is because you being 'pushed' to be in English. You have to hear English and write and understand all in English.

Well, if you really want it, thats the thing you need to do. Get into it.

Another thing we talk about toursim. There is a question in the practice about the impact of tourism other than economy. I just can think of the answer. Then he said, are you sure you can't think any other thing? I said,"Hmm..I can't think any of it.."

"That maybe because of you don't really go around to other places.."

yeah. that's true. I don't really go anywhere..

Then he started to question me few things. and try to get to his points. after all, he point out about EXPOSURE.

by meet different people, expose with different people from other places, it can broaden the mind. How it broaden the mind? By having different ways in looking at a thing. another thing is, we can have cultural exchange. increase interaction among peoples. encourage social interaction. meet them, talk to them, learn the ways and have the IDEAS..

I wish and really hope I can have the exposures! that's why I need to fly! and go to Canada. espcially to be in Toronto where many different people from other parts of the world is there.

Hmm.. Being 'exposed' .

However, technically could it be good?

Ahad, Mac 29

Reasons to Study

Six reason to study
edited from my friend post

Why do I study though?

ONE. To gain Allah's blessings.

TWO. To get Mumtaz( achieve excellence), insyaAllah.(with God's will)

THREE. To be an educator

FOUR. To excel in something for once. for my own satisfaction and personal achievement

FIVE. It's fun! Hell yeah~

SIX. For the sake of knowledge itself.

Dear Allah
I present myself this time as someone who begs for your blessings. I know I did not do much in the pass, I know I have done so much wrong. I am weak, I am stupid.

I have no right to be what I am today without You.

Dear Allah
I am not wishing for a miracle, I am wishing for the best for me, yet I am also wishing for the best that doesn't hurt.

Dear Allah
please make this heart strong, please make this mind clear for tomorrow's exam.

Dear Allah
please make me strong to overcome anything that might be holding me back, anything that may upset me for any reason.

Please, if possible, give me the best result for this exam.

I am a sinner, but I am Your humble servant.
I am doing all I can to be a better person and SERVANT.

Fikri Prastanta
Late night,

Ujian dari-Nya

Jangan bersedih dan berputus asa

credited by: Haslinda Lukman

Setiap individu baik remaja, dewasa atau orang tua, sudah semestinya pernah menghadapi masalah dalam hidup. Kata orang hidup tanpa masalah bukan hidup namanya. Berlegar dari masalah yang paling besar hinggalah masalah yang paling kecil, semuanya tetap dinamakan masalah. Cuma masalah yang dihadapi oleh seseorang itu berbeza. Bagaimana cara untuk mengatasinya juga adalah juga satu masalah. Namun hakikatnya setiap masalah pasti ada jalan keluarnya. Biasanya sebelum masalah itu selesai kita akan berasa sangat tertekan, hampir putus asa kerana tidak tahan menghadapinya.

Antara masalah yang wujud di persekitaran kita ialah masalah kemiskinan, kehilangan orang tersayang, masalah cinta, pertengkaran dengan ibu bapa, corot dalam peperiksaan serta beribu-ribu masalah lagi. Masalah juga boleh menyumbang kepada masalah yang lain, contohnya masalah remaja yang tidak tahan dengan leteran ibu bapanya boleh membawa remaja itu kepada masalah lepak, pergaulan bebas, dirogol, diculik dan juga mungkin dibunuh. Masalah yang kecil apabila tidak ditangani dengan baik boleh membawa kepada mudarat yang amat besar.

Setiap hari kita tidak akan terlepas dilanda dengan masalah, sekiranya bukan kita yang bermasalah, orang lain pula yang mendatangkan masalah. Oleh itu kita perlu bersedia menghadapi permasalahan tersebut dan cuba mencari kaedah untuk mengatasinya.

Mari kita renung sejenak apa sebenarnya maksud setiap masalah itu, kaedah untuk mengatasinya serta panduan menghadapi masalah dengan tenang.


  • Masalah sebenarnya adalah ujian Allah kepada kita untuk mengukur sejauh mana tahap keimanan dan ketakwaan kita terhadap-Nya. Sebab sebagai manusia kita sering terlupa serta lalai dengan tanggungjawab kita sebagai hamba Allah apabila hidup kita sentiasa dilimpahi kesenangan dan kemewahan. Lebih-lebih lagi ketika usia remaja, hidup penuh dengan keseronokan dan sentiasa ingin mencuba sesuatu yang baru walaupun perkara itu jelas haram di sisi agama dan menyalahi undang-undang dunia, contohnya mengambil dadah dan hanyut dengan maksiat, dengan adanya ujian seperti ini, ia akan kembali mengingati apakah hidup kita selama ini mengikuti peraturan atau landasan yang telah ditetapkan oleh Allah ataupun telah jauh menyimpang.
  • Setiap masalah, kesukaran, kesakitan dan apa jua yang menyeksa jiwa adalah merupakan ujian dari Allah untuk menguji sejauh mana iman kita. Iman perlu kepada ujian. Ini jelas sebagaimana maksud firman Allah :

“Adakah manusia itu menyangka bahawa mereka dibiarkan saja mengatakan; “Kami telah beriman,” sedangkan mereka tidak diuji? Dan sesungguhnya Kami telah menguji orang-orang yang sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui orang-orang yang benar dan sesungguhnya Dia mengetahui orang-orang yang berdusta.” (Al-Ankabut: 2 - 3)


  • Ujian atau dugaan yang datang adalah dari Allah, sama ada ujian itu sebagai ‘kifarah’ dosa yang telah kita lakukan atau untuk mengangkat darjat kita di sisi-Nya. Allah juga tidak menduga hamba-hamba-Nya tanpa mengambil kira kesanggupannya atau keupayaan mereka untuk menghadapinya, ujian dan dugaan yang diturunkan Allah kepada hambanya adalah seiring dengan keupayaan individu itu untuk menyelesaikan masalahnya. Ini bersesuaian dengan firman Allah yang bermaksud:

“Allah tidak membebankan seseorang melainkan dengan kesanggupannya�. (Al-Baqarah: 286)

  • Oleh itu sekiranya kita berhadapan dengan masalah, cubalah bawa bertenang, bersabar dan tetapkan dalam minda bahawa kita sedang diuji oleh Allah, orang yang melepasi ujian itu adalah orang yang berjaya dan mendapat kedudukan yang mulia di sisi Allah.

“Sesungguhnya Allah telah membeli dari orang-orang mukmin, diri dan harta mereka dengan memberikan Syurga untuk mereka.” (At-Taubah: 111)


1. Sandarkan Harapan Pada Allah

Setiap ujian yang datang sebenarnya mempunyai banyak hikmah di sebaliknya. Yakinlah bahawa setiap kesusahan yang kita tempuhi pasti akan diganti dengan kesenangan. Ini bersesuaian dengan firman Allah dalam surah Al-Insyirah ayat 1-8 yang antara lain maksudnya “ …Sesungguhnya selepas kesulitan itu pasti ada kemudahan….�

“Cukuplah Allah bagiku. Tidak ada Tuhan selain dari-Nya. Hanya kepada-Nya aku bertawakal.” (At-Taubah: 129)

2. Minta Pertolongan Dari Allah

“Dan mintalah pertolongan (kepada Allah) dengan jalan yang sabar dan dengan mengerjakan solat; dan sesungguhnya solat itu amatlah berat kecuali kepada orang-orang yang khusyuk.” (Al-Baqarah: 45)

3. Jangan Sedih dan Kecewa

“Janganlah kamu bersikap lemah dan janganlah pula kamu bersedih hati, padahal kamulah orang-orang yang paling tinggi darjatnya jika kamu orang-orang yang beriman.” (Ali-Imran:139)

Yakinlah dengan janji Allah itu dan jangan cepat putus asa dengan masalah yang dihadapi sebaliknya tingkatkan usaha dan kuatkan semangat untuk mengatasinya, lihat maksud firman Allah di bawah:

“ …dan janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya tiada berputus asa dari rahmat Allah melainkan kaum yang kafirâ€� (Yusuf : 12)

4. Luahkan masalah tersebut pada teman-teman yang dipercayai, walaupun dia mungkin tidak dapat membantu, tetapi sekurang-kurangnya ia dapat meringankan beban yang kamu tanggung.

5. Bandingkan masalah kita dengan masalah orang lain, mungkin masalah orang lebih besar dari masalah kita, perkara ini juga boleh membuatkan kita lebih tenang ketika menyelesaikan masalah.


Ujian yang datang juga tandanya Allah sayangkan kita. Jadi ambillah masa untuk menilai diri dan meningkatkan ketakwaan kita kepada Allah dalam apa jua yang kita lakukan. Lakukanlah untuk mencari redha Allah. Fikir dengan positif bahawa setiap dugaan datang dari Allah dan pasti ada hikmah yang tersendiri.

“Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu padahal ia amat buruk bagimu. Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui.” (Al-Baqarah: 216)

· "Membiarkan orang lain sahaja yang bermotivasi dalam memperolehi pahala bukanlah sifat orang beriman. Jangan biarkan kata-kata negatif orang terhadap sesuatu yang baik untuk akhirat anda, membantutkan semangat. Jadikan ia pendorong dan motivasi..."

(Ust Hj Zaharuddin Hj Abd Rahman)

Rabu, Mac 18

Leave your prejudice!

I believe.
When you believe He is The Most Forgiveness
Repent is the only way for you to have a fresh 'start'

To have a fresh start, it means
to move foward and forget everything you’ve done
to have anything that u never have before - perhaps His Bless -
to sacrifice things that you 'love' but not things that you need
to let go anything that not your own but His own

anything it is, what is done is done
and it can't be undone if u don't like it.
but there's always room for CHANGE..
all the great experience u've had, the ups and downs..
those are precious..
something to treasure and to ponder upon treading a different path..
sometimes past mistakes will haunt us
and make us afraid to move foward
to run to the happiness
instead of 'happiness' of right now
whereas actually, you know something that maybe many people dont even know bout it
fears are there to be conquered..
our own faults, our own mistakes,
should not be the stone for us to proceed to gain His Bless
and get out from the 'darkness' of the life

However, can a fresh start really be a fresh start?

Yes. It can be.

Things you do will still haunt you
but remember it is a part of life that you need to live with it.
what had past, is qadho' and qadha. sudah suatu ketetapan.
He had set all that.
but in future and right now,
Allah knows everything.
You never know what is good for you
even you never know what is set for you
so please dont make conclusion
dont make judgement
dont prejudice to yourselve, and to Him
and what in your heart is much more important
and also what you are doing

Things you lose, you will gain back
Things you sacrifice will demand it’s pay
Because Paradise is only open to one that willing to pay
and also from His rahmat

Things you let go will occasionally come back
It will happen when you choose it to be.

There's always have such thing as 'Fresh start'
as you choose it
you choose the way that could lead your life out from darkness

You got one chance to live
One chance to make any decision
Live with it
Live with your decision
Learn from the consequences
Suffer from the catastrophes

Clocks are ticking clockwise
Nothing, nothing you can do to make it reversed

Live with the decision
Yes you could. create yourr life as you wish.
but to have a life as Allah's wish is rhe main thing
It is not easy as ABC
but it also not so hard to do as long as you know
what is the most essential thing in this life - His Bless -
as you will return to Him at last.

How to have a fresh start?
You dont need a start
because you've already started your life

and when u didnt want me
I wanted you because
The funny things about it is
I Iiked the show
I like it when it's difficult
I like it when it's hard
Then you know it's worth it
That you found your heart
Finding your heart

Khamis, Mac 12

Hari Ini Dalam Sejarah 12 MAC

hari ni 12 Mac 2009
mengimbau kenangan silam setahun lepas
12 Mac 2008. pukul 12 tengahari.
masih ingat. 12 November SPM bermula. 4 november, kertas terakhir aku jawab, bahasa arab tinggi kertas 2. yang jawab sampai nangis2. tapi lepas habis jawab, awan yang aku pandang tulah awan yang paling aku suka dalam hidupku. sejuk memandang..hati lapang n tenang. perasaan lega tak terkira. ingat lagi dengan baju sekolah putih, tudung labuh putih, kasut hitam n kain biru..

ohh..zaman sekolah. rindunya..
tanggal yang sama. ada apa dengan hari ini?

yea..hari ini dalam sejarah.Result SPM keluar!!!

mengimbau kenangan aku..hoho..ingat lagi..dub dab dub dab dalam kereta dengan izlina.sahabat karib..n .dalam kereta. amik dgn mama. aku pakai baju kurung(baju raya) pink. dengan tudung labuh. (saje nk pakai tudung labuh) then dgn bag coklat bunga besar. hmm..tak tau patut rasa apa. sampai2 je. mcm da orang kurang. *(saje pergi lambat).
sampai perkarangan sekolah, dah nampak cikgu stand by kat tempat letak basikal. aku masa tu, takut nak amik. seminit sebelum cikgu bagi result, aku kecut. rasa nak nangis sangat2...takut..
sebab iz dah amik. aku da tak peduli apa dah. mama kat tepi. cikgu jalini merangkap cikgu kimia n guru kelas aku, tanya
" ha..Qurratul..awak target berapa?"
"aa..err...ermm..ntah..12..(walau pun tak rasa mcm dapat 12. tapi mmg lazim, aku target jarang rendah2..)"
" ha..tahniah..awak dapat 10."

aku macam tekejut.ya Allah. betul ke ape akud dengar nih.. 10? macam tak percaya. syukur terasa. walau jauh dari target aku(yang mmg angan melangit nak dapat 12 or 14)..
hmm dalam trial nk dpt 10 A tu mmg 'harapan' r. standard dapat 5. itu pun susah. biasa dapat 3-4 A. tapi aku mmg optimis SPM boleh dapat lebeh. based on experience lepas2..upsr, pmr, spm.
aku yakin, SPm pun tak kurang beza. sejarah pasti berulang!
Yeah..mengimbau kenangan silam..hidup punya suka duka.hari ni hatiku mendung. tapi mengenang kenangan silam, buat aku tersenyum sendiri. apalah nasib dak2 junior aku? hoho..tika ini, waktu ini, satu sejarah dalam hidupku..detik bermakna, dan detik kebahagiaan dan cabaran mengundang.

sekejap terasa masa beralih.
tup2 dah setahun.
satu tahun ni macam2 berlaku dlam hidup..

transisi kehidupan..
more to come after this..

My only for Him


Love ...
Would make you blind
But it matters when love blinds me from seing Allah’s light

Would make you forget
I don’t care to much if I couldn’t remember
But it matter when love makes me forget Allah

Love ...
Makes you a fool
I don’t care so much in being a fool
But it matter if I am a fool in telling the difference between right and wrong

Love makes you happy
But why should I be happy
When I should be grieving for disobeying Allah’s order

needs a lot of sacrifice
I am willing to sacrifice
But why should I sacrifice, if it is not for Allah?

Why should I love
If it is not for Allah

(i got from a video clip. credit to one that make it.dunno who)

andai diri ini mampu membahagiakan insan yang hampir denganku,
pastikan ku kejar bahagia itu
agar hidup lebih terasa nikmatnya
walau diriku tak perolehi apapun
walau tiada imbalan
biarlah Dia yang membalas segalaNya

aku mahu berlari ke arah pelangi
aku mahu berlari ke arah awan
puncak langit yang tertinggi
berlari sebebas yang ku mahu

hari ini
dikau menemaniku
teman ku yang plaing setia
adalah titisan air mata
yang sangat setia menemani
tanpa kupinta kehadirannya
dia datang dan pergi

mendung di hati
mengembalikan ku sujud padaMu

kerana kutahu
hanya padaMu
tempat ku mengadu.
Ya Allah...
Ku seru namamu
Kembali pada Mu..
pelihara aku dari melalakukan laranganMu

monolog hati
taylor's library

Rabu, Mac 4

Perasaan Bahagia

Perasaan itu sungguh indah.
Bila tiba rasa bahagia,
tiada rasa yang dapat diungkap,
tiada kata yang dapat terluah.

Hati merasai, jiwa menerangi.
Subur di lubuk hati.

Andai bahagia kan datang menjelma,
pasti ku mahu ia biar selamanya di dalam jiwa

Namun rasa bahagia ini tidak mampu ku simpan
Andai mampu dikongsi rasa ini, kuharap ada insan yang dapat menemani
untuk mengisi ruang hidup ini.

Andai bahagia mampu ku kejar,
ku harap, mampu ku berlari mengejarnya
walau mungkin ia sekadar mimpi
namun tidak semua mimpi itu hanya sekadar khayalan
kerana ia bakal menjadi satu impian
dan pasti ku mahu impian itu menjadi sebuah realiti

dalam Doa ku pasrah,
ku dambakan sebuah kebahagiaan
yang tulus mulus di dalam jiwa
menjadi bunga, penawar diri
jua penawar mereka di sisi.
~penyejuk mata = penyeri hidup~

Tiada yang lebih kudamba dalam hidup ini
dari sebuah pengertian hidup
yang tidak berpanjangan
kemuliaan dan kehormatan di sisiNya
yang hanya mampu 'dibayar' dan dibeli
melalui amal, taqwa, sabar, dan jihad

Hati hanya mampu menduga.
Hati hanya mampu mengharap
tepat masa dan waktu,
hati jua tidak lagi ragu
melangkah ke dimensi waktu yang berliku itu.

Hidup ini hanya sementara.
walau belum mampu,
namun jauh di sudut hati,
selalu rasa mahu.

Moga keinginan membina kekuatan diri
yang mencabar keupayaan diri
demi mencari makna hidup ini.

Hari yang bahagia. ^_^ Alhamdulillah.

A happy day in my life.

Dear Diary,

Today is a fine day to me. I should express it because it is rarely happen I guess. I want to express how it feel and what I've done until I got this type of feeling.

I don't know how to describe it in English, but in Malay, I could say that I feel so bahagia. Is bahagia is equivalent to happy? I feel satisfied, I feel good and also fine. Yeah, it think probably it make sense.

I wish that I could have this feeling for most of the time. BAHAGIA.

Hati yang tenang, jiwa yang lapang, sungguh berlapang dada. yang aku jarang-jarang rasakan. Ibarat, seluruh dunia 'tunduk' padaku. Bukanlah tunduk bermakna aku berkuasa, tapi, rasa macam ..entahla. Rasa yang aku rasai, aku yakin dan percaya lebih baik dari seluruh isi dunia.

Yes, jiwa yang lapang, hati yang tenang. dan perasaan bahagia yang hadir.

I don't know why. But I feel I'm alive today. I feel I am 'somebody' around my circle. People acknowledge my existence and I trying to acknowledge them that I am exist in this world. By the way, it is not that deep as well, I still don't feel I impact them so much.

Well, actually today I have my IELTS speaking test. In a longer word to say, International Examination Language Test System (IELTS). I've been practiced since past few days. Actually, I tried to be familiar with interview session that one-to-one since 3weeks a go, My first meeting or 'dating' was with Mr.Hanna. I asked him to coach me and evaluate me asa well. I made the preparation for this test and I feel good about it.

By the way, thats not the main reason why I feel this way today. Today, not so much things happen but I start my day with very positive act. This is my experiences. That I hope by expressing it, someday this kind of feeling still remain as I will try to keep this 'moment' and try to keep myself doing what I've done. I believe that experience is the best teacher ever. I believe the policy is absolutely true. Even if it is not your exprience but still if it is an experience it will always be the best thing ever to learn a lesson.

Well, I think I should start about what I got or what I did yesterday. As I believe that today will not be as today if I don't do anything from yesterday. The success of today is because what I did in yesterday. I feel that today is my 'success day'. Why? There are few reasons why I said so. The main thing is, I feel good about myself. It is not the feeling I'm better than others but it is just I feel good in doing good things.

What I did today, yeah I met people. I greet them. I told them(almost every person that I met and I knew including the librarian at the counter) I am going to have my IELTS speaking test today. Almost every person that I knew on road. Today is like a 'big' day. It is just the sense to make the day good and succeed. I smile to most people. I treat them very nice. Smile, talked with civil and most of the time in positive mood. The reason I greet them and told them I'm going to have IELTS speaking test, is because I want their support. I like to hear some kind of inspiration from other people. That wish me luck, wish me all the best. It is like to tell everybody in this world, "Hey..I'm going to have my IELTS speaking!!". and it feel great when you have moral support from people that you know. Of course it is hard to get support eventually from people that you never know before.

Especially when it comes from person that you loved, loved the most, love a little as olong you still feel kinda have the love for the person, yeah. It is different. Compared to person that you know. By the way, i;m not going to compared them, as I love them so much. Once I get some kind of moral support, I start to feel good. People give me some tips, and advice. I took it as a guide.

Here, I feel that nothing can replace the good relationship among ourselve and the people around us. Seriously, I feel that having good relationship and don't ever hurt people is very important. As you can't survive in this world alone. When I start to walk out from library, after watched few videos, I found Maryam. That 'seakhowat' with me. I just feel like I want to salam someone at that time and have a little hug. Actually not hug but kinda common thing that we used to do after pray or even when we met. But i could feel she feel quite weird to do that in public. Ahha. it's okay. I don't know. At that time I feel support from the sense of touch. And then I met Husna on the way to IDP ( the exam's take place). This time, she is more natural to give me like little hug and kiss. not really kiss actually. Yeah. I don't know how to describe it in word even in Malay. After talk a few moment, and so much advice and wished I got from her, as she said, she always pray for me, and I'll be fine. That's enough to me.

When I walk away, I talked to myself. "Hey Qurratul. See you got so much people behind you. Wish you and support you. Of course you can do it. I knew I can! Show to them my ability. I can do this!"

At this time, my self-image is super positive. I love myself. One important thing in life also it to feel love for yourself. I feel that important. I don't know how toerrible is life, when people start to hate themselve so much. I feel good to feel love myself. That's a good feeling though. That's why I said, today I feel succeed for some extent.

Oh yeah, I'm not going to story from A-Z what she asked me in the test session I'm just going to express how it feel once you feel good and what makes I feel good. Before I go further and keep talk about it, after I finish my test, and walk out from the exam's place, I feel like I want to tell everyone in this world .."Hey I'm done!!". Yeah. The same thing went on, I keep talking about my experience to people that I know and also I don't really know but explain to him the experience that I've been through and my advice. Him? Yeah. Him. I just know someone in that class that going to have IELTS sooner, My feeling is like, okay I really want to tell him something about my experience. Actually, I'm thinking twice before I talked to him. In my mind, "Oh,,he is a guy..should I talked to him? I don't ever know him before!". Of course I feel shy, to talk to guy, especially the one that I never knew or never talked before, but as I think, I really want to tell my expreience, then I just carry on.

That also makes me feel good. I feel good to doing good to people. THat I hope I can benefit them I suppose. Even a barrier between the relationsip between man and woman. I believe that, it shouldnt be a barrier if you are really sincere and know what you want. and the main thing, not exceed the limit.

Yeah. Most people that know me, knew that I had IELTS speaking test. And mostly they asked me, how was it? I reply most the same thing to people. " Yeah..the question ot so bad..she asked me about swimming, hometown, stages of life that I enjoyed the most, the adults and responsibilities..." before I met people, I messaged mama first. Express how I feel. To me expression is so important. I can't just stand with the feeling without express it to anyone. I guess that's nature. I can't keep inside. I really want somone that I could express what I feel, and what I've go through. And I message 5 peoples. with same message.

" Salam. I've done my IELTS speaking test. The question not so bad. I got .(...bla2...). Right now, need to focus on listening, reading and writing test that will be on this saturday. Do pray for my success."

Well, this is what I did before having the test, I try to tell most people that I know especially person like my parents. I hope for their pray. RESTU. Really important and once u got it, u will feel very good. Even, if you not really capable, at least you feel able to go through the circumstance that you might face. Just hear, that mama and abah, alway doas for me, it just enough to me. I have someone that I could rely on for now.

And, mama replied to me, well done. Oh yeah. the 5 people that I message were mama, husna, cikgu jalini, abah, and laili. laili one of my close friend. cikgu jalini because fortunately, she message me yesterday (since long time never sms her). yeah. I think it is important to to acknowledge guru. Because, they are just like our parents. And their doa is so much powerful. Once I got some kind if inpiration from them, i feel good. I'm not looking down at myself. I feel I am 'somebody' because I got some 'recognition' from someone that I knew.

Hmm..I'm start to crapping lot. Now it's alreaday 40 minutes already. Wow. Time moves so fast!
By the way, this is my story. Oh yeah. One of the best thing that happen today, is not entirely about IELTS but today, fortunately I've did something that impressed other people. It feel good when someone said, "I am impressed". I know, it is not so good to feel so good about yourself but I think I need space for myself. To have some kind of pleasure is imporant so that I gain my own confidence.

Yeah. today I transfer my english class from period 2 to period 4. They did discussion about the caricatures and one interesting thing was, Mr. Ben brought like a crumple of newspaper that looks like a toy and he wants the one that got the 'thing' have to lead the class for discussion. Facilitate them to be in discussion. Actually, I don't why after I done my IELTS, and when I step to the class, I still feel the 'dub dab dub dab' feeling. I don't know what makes me nervous. even IELTS Speaking test had over! Perhaps the excited feeling that I felt? It could be. I feel so excited! Well, I feel that at time, no wonder I feel that feeling, because after the moment, I got the 'thing' and I am needed to conduct the class. " Oh this for real? to replace Mr. Ben's job? although for a minute..It really need a confidence to do that"

Well, actually when he explained about the procedure, that the facilitator are not going to teach but just to make sure the discussion keep on and also facilitate the clasas to understand and bring up to the story. Put some insight and gain some ideas and inspiration. Thats what he/she's job. When I heard about that, My feeling at that time, kinda nervous. I feel " hey..I want to try.." I thought like, it's going to be voluteer. I am ready to raise my hand. But it is not. As I mentioned, the one that have the 'thing' are going to conduct the class discussion. But at the end, I never expect I get the 'chance' as I wish. That thing really on my desk. Somone just throw and it is on my desk directly. As I thought before, "yeah.the thing will not going to me, coz I'm new in class. nobody will give it to me. coz they don't really know me. " but at the end, it comes just like I wish but I never expect it for the very first place. I'm a bit surprise at first. I can't believe it. I respond like .." Are you now, me? right now? conduct the class? " and mr. ben said yeah..before that she said, you are a scholar..n something..i can't really catch his word. and at that time I still feel hesitate to go in front and take charge because I feel that the one that conduct the discussion at that time was very good. but when it comes to my turn, I don't believe it I need to conduct the class until everyone in class looking at me, and wait, then I believe. Yeah. I need to conduct the discussion although at first I wish to but when the times come and you don't expect it to be as you wish..I just happen.

I try my best to do what I could do with the class. I just stared with " Okay..lets move one our discussion.."and ask few things to the class.. As today, I wear formal attire, I could feel good and confident. There is a friend that I know keep smiling at me that I take it as a 'support' I knew by her smile means ''Go, Ain.."..A cheerful smile. I smile back and her and try what I could do. I just act normal and naturally. Although At first a bit shaky. How should I start. What should I say? that's came up in my mind. But at last, I did it gracefully. and the discussion move smoothly not as what I expect. I never expect to 'perform' on that day. I manage to get people talk, gaining ideas from different people, asking few questions and asking about their opinion whether they agree or disagree. (of course most of them agree but then I start to ask question that more about guessing and based on free-opinion).

For example , "Do you think that the Mr.Gardiner's social status can change? how? .." then after hear few opinions from my fellow classmates, I make assumption by saying to the whole class, "to change or upgrade status means to married with people that has higher social status in the society. Do you agree? " and then a guy, raise his hand and said, no. Not necessary. he expressed his opinion about work and effort.

Yeah. after that, I just endup the discussion by just smiling and err err to MR.Ben. Mr. Ben just take charge the class after all. He start to conclude the 'peformance' of the class. He said, "it is really amazing to see the leadership in some of us" At first, start with (someone that I forgot his name) and then, goes to Sarah. That I know Sarah can lead the discussion but she don't really want to talk more to people. and I knew at the very first place, Jeff want to take the 'thing'. He wants to lead so much. And it is suprising, after the 'thing' went to other group just after 10 minutes it goes back to Jeff. It is like Jeff talking to the 'thing' "I really want it."" because he really loves to lead. But at the very first, I really don't want to give it to Jeff, I want find someone other than him because he really want it. Next, we see, Ain take place the show. and she did a very good job. Make people discussed, asking discussion question and try to balance up. make people understand. and that's very good. .."

I want him to talk more. but seems like the time is very limited. and I actually wait the time to go and tell my expreience to the guy that I know going to have IELTS. however, before it, Mr. Ben come to talked to me after class, but still in class, he said, " you are really good in leadership. I feel impressed. You asked people, get people to talk, you feel very comfortable don't you?" And I was like..err..yeah..perhaps.." and you seems like you are very ready to go and take charge the class.." I just keep quiet and just keep smiling. In my heart,like...hoho.. did you know that..haha..althoug I wish it, but I never expect it to be soo good. and he said once again, he so impressed of me. and I smile and just glad and said alhamdulillah in my heart. after that, I thank him for the class.

By the way, there is a feeling at time, " your ability to people that you can speak english very well!" . Thats the spirit from IELTS speaking test. and I feel that it still keep inside and remain in myself until I take charge the class discusiion. That's why there still have the 'passion'

yeah. thats it. that's my story today. I knew, this post is longer as I've been writing almost for an hour without stop. But I feel it is an 'inner' achievement that I felt today. Feeling good, confidence, brave and nice. Be nice to everybody. Always. Another achievement that I felt, is I'm not manage to overcome my hesitation to ask for clarification. For example, it begins with the IELTS speaking test, I asked question for clarification and the exminer respond with examples. Even she had clarify it, I asked pulak for repeatin g question. I think and I feel it is achievement for me. Because, I used to be afraid to ASK before. So, I feel it is an achievement. I also, managed to overcome my sleepiness in my data class. I feel good, when my teacher respond to me. Have attention. I start asking question that I don't really understand what she' talking. Not in data class, but also in law class. There is a word that Mr.Hanna said..that I don't know that word. And I asked what does it mean by Taboo. what's that. And i got the feedback. Not only from Mr. Hanna but also from other people in the class. My classmate, one of it, try to explain to me in malay, but of course people around not understand, including mr. Hanna, but after a while he try to explain in english, and I respond by trying to express whether is it right what I understood so far with their explaination.

Yeah. Asking for clarification, really makes me feel good.

By all means, as I mentioned earlier, today will not be as today, I do nothing yesterday. I think, yesterday really affect my day today. For example, if i'm not mistaken, yesterday I read something about istighfar in LAN class and I apply it this morning. I think it really works. Based on what I read, istighfar itu menghilangkan kedukaan, kalau ada masalah, hati rungsing, akan jadi lapang, di sebalik mohon diampun dosa, mohon rahmat Allah, and banyak la fadhilat dari banyak istighfar. At the moment, I just realize, wow..this is amazing. Terlepas pandang about kelebihan the importance of istighfar. rasa mcm nk post kat iluv je. really menyedarkan. and then, I went back to Casa, having little chit chat with my housemates(rarely i have so much chit chat with them . thats quite bad. ), a bit 'gossip' and I read quite much actually. I cook rice and eat with daging(bcoz I really need iron due to the blood that i 'missed'), with sayur and also tauhu telur. I'm so full. and after that doing some practices speaking with Natalie. She willing to do favor by asking me question using the module. after a while, I 'flat' already. I unable to do anything, I just jumpt straight away into my bed, and not wake up. I don't know. At that moment, I feel my body a bit heavy at the bottom. Maybe because I eat carb and heavily. Before that, I take soya with gula merah.

This morning, I wake up a bit early from other day, Allah wakes me up. around 4.45. The first thing that I did, I remember in my dream to write things that I should consider when speaking. 1) avoid mmm...

That's the first thing in my mind. After finish listing things to consider and aware of, I recite doa that I used to read every morning. Yeah, most probably the reason I feel so good today, because I begin with good. I believe with what abah used to say to me always. "Cemerlang awal, akan cemerlang akhirnya". So, I can conclude that, wake up early morning, can give a sense of good feeling. Feel earlier and advance from otehr people. And then, before I start read mathurat, I start first with istighfar for almost 70times. As I remember the hadis that I read yesterday. It really reminds me. Honestly, I feel it really work! Today, I feel everything goes smoothly. It feel like this world in my hand. World in my hand but not in my heart. After all, I read 2 pages of tafsir and the verses talked about the kiamat and the azab orang yang berpaling, kufur, the people in the hell. All described in Quran. I really feel that by keep reading tafsir, really remind me, no matter what goes on, this world is just very temporary. Even, in Allah's sight, this world is just a day to Him. But to us, it is so long. Ya Allah..perkiraan Allah tu tak terjangkau. Sungguh.

I hope I can be the one that missed Quran. Holding Quran, love Quran and obey to Quran most of the time. What I do is, by make sure, I read one day, one page of tafsir. I will make sure, early in morning I will read once. I know that maybe I am quite weird to people sometimes. People could see me a bit strange as I used to bring Quran everyday to college. That rarely people do. I suppose. Bring Quran almost everywhere. (by holding it). Yeah. AI dont really feel or think anything actually. But there is one day my friend asked me, Do you think that by doing this thing is like what Islam teached. She trying like to asked, adakah dengan bawak Quran sepanjang masa, itu yang Islam ajar.? I don't know what she really means. Maybe she feel..I don't know. perhaps people dont really feel easy that I bring Quran most of the time?? Entah. that question come to my mind. and I start to asked myself why I'm doing this? that people don't ever do it. Is this what Islam teach? is this good? could it be bad? at time, i start to think and find the answer. and that day, I get the answer from someone . that person said to me, kalau niat mungkin dengan cara tu kita rasa dekat dengan Allah, tak salah pun. No need to bother others.

That makes me strong. I will keep doing that I feel its not wrong. Even it will be different from others. It is not, i do it i want to make like an identity. I do it because I just feel I want to do it. And I feel nothing wrong with that. Its only people's perception. And why should I bother? yeah..smae thing like wearning niqah. I could feel the 'spirit' a bit lost for sometime. but right now, i feel like the feeling to wear it, start to call me..I always imagine, what if i wear niqab in the university in canada? what will it be? perhaps, its true it is difficult. but who knows by that way, lies more opportunity for me to talk more about islam?? Of course physically i will be different from other people. I don't know. I still thinking. And I knew it will be hard and challenging. Not just spirit, but also mentally and could also be physically.

I don't why. also, at this time, I'm thinking of marriage. One thing, that could be hard yet challenging. I'm just thinking to do something that challenge myself. It is not i'm saying I want to get married because of it is challenging. Thats not the issue. of course the main thing to consider of intention to married is because of ALLAH and Rasul. Should be that. But what I thinking is, to do sunnah, or perhaps to do something that people not usually do really interest me. I don;t know. Perhaps since long time, i want to be different from others. Since I was 15 years old. The turning point to be 'different' perhaps. By thinking to take 22 subjects in SPM, then reduce to become 14 at last. This 'crazy' thing always in my mind. as it is really challenge. I don't know why I really love challenge. Even things that perhaps people thing its going to be hard. But I guess, I will say,,'hey why not??"

Okla. I know marriage is not a single thing and not just a thing that you can play with it. It is about life. talking about life, i want to taste this life as fullest. and eventually, this week, in iluvislam there was a post talked about nikah muda and bahagia. Ah sudah...sudah terang lagikan bersuluh. konkrit, the reason to get married. haha. biarlah masa menentukan.

I just pray that I can do the right thing ever in my life. How am I today, will not be as today If I do nothing yesterday. My decision to take 14 subject in SPM, has 'changed' my life. I am sure, that in future also, I will considering to take it as 'challenge'. Purdah? Kawin muda? Will cost changes and transition in my life. How could I adapt with people surrounds me. Well, It is not only about purdah or marriage. but that's what in my mind, that I feel the 'most challenge' thing to do.

Even it is not a bad thing, it could be not always a good thing jugak. ...paradox.

Times up. I should stop now. almmost 2 hours start to feel sengal!

That's all for now. I think I talked so much.. Oh yeah, before I end this post, it is also an achievement for me to write in English.

I should reward myself with tasty wafer. Chill ^_^

Taylor's Library
Wednesday 4 March

Just suddenly this thought pop up in my mind.

Anamika my dear friend that used to help me a lot in IELST speaking practice, her last advice to me before I went to the IELTS speaking test, she told me,

"Just keep going if you stuck. Carry on!"

And I'm just thinking. That is what if I'm stuck when I was speaking. I am thinking that what if I'm stuck with my life? The same thing should be done. Just KEEP GOING.

YEah. this what I should do. Although I'm stuck, I SHOULD KEEP GOING with this life. Stuck could be something that hold me back. I should carry on and never let those things hold me back from moving foward.

I used to remember what abah used to told me as well in past

"When the going get tough, the TOUGHER GET GOING "
Yes. KEEP GOING!! I am tough. I know now, the situation quite tough for me. To face all these thing, preparation for study abroad really teach me more about life rather than just the foundation of study. I also start to find the foundation of life which need the foundation of iman.

Times up. The library going to shut off...



Ahad, Mac 1

Definisi Cinta itu Dinamik

bila kita berbicara soal cinta, skopnya luas dan dinamik.

melalui kata2 saja, seseorang boleh jatuh hati.
namun apakah cinta itu bersalah? sedangkan cinta itu terlalu suci. namun sering kesucian cinta ternoda dengan titik-titik hitam jahiliyah. cinta yang berpandu dan berunsur nafsu semata.

asas cinta itu patut membuat kita tenteram dan tenang. cinta sumber ketenangan dan kebahagian.

entah kenapa ya aku mula memikirkan untuk berbicara soal cinta. cinta mempunyai kuasa luar biasa. membuat diri lebih bertenaga. malah cinta menyalurkan tenaga yang cukup luar biasa.

ada sesuatu y menarik perhatian ketika berchatting dgn seorang hamba Allah semalam. cinta pada orang berilmu. tak perlu kan sebab. rasa tenang dan seronok tengok dia. rasa sayang sangat sampai rasa nak nangis. sayangnya tak terkata. kalaulah dapat rasa mcm tu setiap kali balik dari kerja jumpa pasangan.. masyaAllah tak tau nak kata apa dah..

smpai begitu sekali ye.

i'm thinking. based on a few articles that i read today about cinta - nikah - n so on..and this week i could feel more to like a lovely feeling. teringat pada seorang akhowat.walau pertama kali jumpa, dah terbit rasa sayang. rindu nak jumpa lagi. rasa tenteram bila bersamanya.

the theory is is simple i think. bukankan dalam Quran ada kata,

dengan mengingati Allah, hati itu akan menjadi tenteram

based on that, bila kita dekat dengan orang yang mengingatkan kita pada Allah, nescaya kita pun secara tak langsung berasa tenteram dan tenang bila bersama dia. sebab tu timbul rasa sayang. we feel secured, protected. even not physically.

same as manusia. cinta yang berasaskan cinta Ilahi itulah sumber ketenangan abadi.

some quote from somewhere i read;

"Kenapa kita menyintai seseorang (berlawanan jenis)? Syukur Alhamdulillah jika kita menyintai seseorang itu kerana Allah, ini cinta yang suci dan agung. Cinta semata-mata kerana inginkan keredhaan dariNya. Cinta kerana ingin mendekatkan diri kepadaNya. Cinta kepada dia kerana yakin dia boleh membangkitkan semangat kita untuk berjuang mendapatkan keredhaan dari Allah. Cinta kepada dia kerana dia yang mendorong rasa rindu kepada Allah. Cinta kepada dia kerana dia yang mampu menjamin kenikmatan dan kebahagiaan dunia dan akhirat. Cinta kepada dia kerana dia yang sanggup bersusah payah, suka dan duka bersama kita berjihad menuju jalan Allah. Cinta kepada dia kerana dialah insan yang berkemampuan untuk menyambung zuriat kita, melahirkan anak2 yang soleh dan solehah. Cinta kepada dia kerana dia juga mencintai Allah.

Alhamdulillah..Jika kita di kurniakan cinta yang sebegini, maka rugilah kita jika kita menolak cinta ini.

Tapi..sebanyak mana orang yang mampu menyintai kita kerana sebab2 itu semata-mata? cinta itu tidak salah. Puji-pujian kepada Allah, syukur hanya kepada Dia jika kita di anugerahkan rasa cinta dan dicintai seindah ini. Alhamdulillah. Bagaimana kalau dia cintakan kita kerana sebab-sebab berikut? Dia mungkin cintakan kita kerana kita ni cantik, tubuh kita ramping dan menggoda, dia mungkin cintakan kita kerana pertuturan kita yang lemah lembut, kerana suara kita yang merdu. Dia mungkin mencintai kita kerana mata kita yang indah, bak kata pepatah, dari mata turun ke hati. Dia mencintai kita mungkin kerana kelincahan kita, kerana kecekapan kita. Dia mungkin mencintai kita kerana kebijaksanaan kita berdebat meluah pendapat. Dia menyintai kita mungkin kerana wang kita dan harta kita, atau kerana karier kita yang membanggakan atau macam2 lagi sebab.

Tapi, bagaimana kalau tiba2 Tuhan takdirkan kita bisu..adakah dia yang menyintai kita kerana kemerduan dan kepetahan kita akan masih menyintai kita? Bagaimana kalau Tuhan takdirkan kita buta..adakah dia yang menyintai kita kerana tajamnya panahan mata kita akan masih menyintai kita? Bagaimana kalau Tuhan takdirkan kaki kita kudung, lumpuh tidak mampu bergerak, adakah dia yang menyintai kita kerana kelincahan kita akan tetap menyintai kita? Bagaimana kalau tiba2 muka kita cacat, tidak lagi secantik dulu..atau berkedut sana sini, adakah dia masih menyintai kita? Bagaimana pula kalau kiranya kita di takdirkan tidak dapat melahirkan anak? Adakah dia yang mencintai kita kerana kita melahirkan zuriat untuknya akan terus menyintai kita? Mungkin juga tidak…kerana cinta kpd sesuatu yg ada pada kita, bermakna cintakan suatu yang tidak kekal, yang bermaksud, boleh di rampas olehNya yg berhak bila2 masa sahaja. Semua itu hanyalah pinjaman. Dan cinta itu sendiri juga suatu pinjaman. Suatu nikmat yang boleh di tarik bila-bila masa sahaja."

tapi cinta itu sebenarnya tak perlu bersebab. setuju?

cukuplah cinta itu dapat memberi sebuah kebahagiaan.
tidak semestinya dengan orang yang banyak ilmu agama baru tumbuh rasa cinta. cukup sekadar hanya melihat/ bersama dia kita berasa tenang dan tenteram. kerana hati itu hanya akan tenteram bila mengingatiNya.
pokok pangkal cinta itu akan menuju Tuhan yang menciptakan rasa cinta itu jua. di situlah cinta hakiki.

InsyaAllah, aku tidak akan sekali2 menerima cinta kerana suatu yang tidak pasti. Aku pasti akan menyintai, dan dicintai..tapi Tuhan, jika Kau takdirkan aku jatuh cinta, Kau jatuhkanlah cintaku ini kepada dia yang mencintaiku kerana Mu.

Sunday night.