A happy day in my life.
Dear Diary,
Today is a fine day to me. I should express it because it is rarely happen I guess. I want to express how it feel and what I've done until I got this type of feeling.
I don't know how to describe it in English, but in Malay, I could say that I feel so bahagia. Is bahagia is equivalent to happy? I feel satisfied, I feel good and also fine. Yeah, it think probably it make sense.
I wish that I could have this feeling for most of the time. BAHAGIA.
Hati yang tenang, jiwa yang lapang, sungguh berlapang dada. yang aku jarang-jarang rasakan. Ibarat, seluruh dunia 'tunduk' padaku. Bukanlah tunduk bermakna aku berkuasa, tapi, rasa macam ..entahla. Rasa yang aku rasai, aku yakin dan percaya lebih baik dari seluruh isi dunia.
Yes, jiwa yang lapang, hati yang tenang. dan perasaan bahagia yang hadir.
I don't know why. But I feel I'm alive today. I feel I am 'somebody' around my circle. People acknowledge my existence and I trying to acknowledge them that I am exist in this world. By the way, it is not that deep as well, I still don't feel I impact them so much.
Well, actually today I have my IELTS speaking test. In a longer word to say, International Examination Language Test System (IELTS). I've been practiced since past few days. Actually, I tried to be familiar with interview session that one-to-one since 3weeks a go, My first meeting or 'dating' was with Mr.Hanna. I asked him to coach me and evaluate me asa well. I made the preparation for this test and I feel good about it.
By the way, thats not the main reason why I feel this way today. Today, not so much things happen but I start my day with very positive act. This is my experiences. That I hope by expressing it, someday this kind of feeling still remain as I will try to keep this 'moment' and try to keep myself doing what I've done. I believe that experience is the best teacher ever. I believe the policy is absolutely true. Even if it is not your exprience but still if it is an experience it will always be the best thing ever to learn a lesson.
Well, I think I should start about what I got or what I did yesterday. As I believe that today will not be as today if I don't do anything from yesterday. The success of today is because what I did in yesterday. I feel that today is my 'success day'. Why? There are few reasons why I said so. The main thing is, I feel good about myself. It is not the feeling I'm better than others but it is just I feel good in doing good things.
What I did today, yeah I met people. I greet them. I told them(almost every person that I met and I knew including the librarian at the counter) I am going to have my IELTS speaking test today. Almost every person that I knew on road. Today is like a 'big' day. It is just the sense to make the day good and succeed. I smile to most people. I treat them very nice. Smile, talked with civil and most of the time in positive mood. The reason I greet them and told them I'm going to have IELTS speaking test, is because I want their support. I like to hear some kind of inspiration from other people. That wish me luck, wish me all the best. It is like to tell everybody in this world, "Hey..I'm going to have my IELTS speaking!!". and it feel great when you have moral support from people that you know. Of course it is hard to get support eventually from people that you never know before.
Especially when it comes from person that you loved, loved the most, love a little as olong you still feel kinda have the love for the person, yeah. It is different. Compared to person that you know. By the way, i;m not going to compared them, as I love them so much. Once I get some kind of moral support, I start to feel good. People give me some tips, and advice. I took it as a guide.
Here, I feel that nothing can replace the good relationship among ourselve and the people around us. Seriously, I feel that having good relationship and don't ever hurt people is very important. As you can't survive in this world alone. When I start to walk out from library, after watched few videos, I found Maryam. That 'seakhowat' with me. I just feel like I want to salam someone at that time and have a little hug. Actually not hug but kinda common thing that we used to do after pray or even when we met. But i could feel she feel quite weird to do that in public. Ahha. it's okay. I don't know. At that time I feel support from the sense of touch. And then I met Husna on the way to IDP ( the exam's take place). This time, she is more natural to give me like little hug and kiss. not really kiss actually. Yeah. I don't know how to describe it in word even in Malay. After talk a few moment, and so much advice and wished I got from her, as she said, she always pray for me, and I'll be fine. That's enough to me.
When I walk away, I talked to myself. "Hey Qurratul. See you got so much people behind you. Wish you and support you. Of course you can do it. I knew I can! Show to them my ability. I can do this!"
At this time, my self-image is super positive. I love myself. One important thing in life also it to feel love for yourself. I feel that important. I don't know how toerrible is life, when people start to hate themselve so much. I feel good to feel love myself. That's a good feeling though. That's why I said, today I feel succeed for some extent.
Oh yeah, I'm not going to story from A-Z what she asked me in the test session I'm just going to express how it feel once you feel good and what makes I feel good. Before I go further and keep talk about it, after I finish my test, and walk out from the exam's place, I feel like I want to tell everyone in this world .."Hey I'm done!!". Yeah. The same thing went on, I keep talking about my experience to people that I know and also I don't really know but explain to him the experience that I've been through and my advice. Him? Yeah. Him. I just know someone in that class that going to have IELTS sooner, My feeling is like, okay I really want to tell him something about my experience. Actually, I'm thinking twice before I talked to him. In my mind, "Oh,,he is a guy..should I talked to him? I don't ever know him before!". Of course I feel shy, to talk to guy, especially the one that I never knew or never talked before, but as I think, I really want to tell my expreience, then I just carry on.
That also makes me feel good. I feel good to doing good to people. THat I hope I can benefit them I suppose. Even a barrier between the relationsip between man and woman. I believe that, it shouldnt be a barrier if you are really sincere and know what you want. and the main thing, not exceed the limit.
Yeah. Most people that know me, knew that I had IELTS speaking test. And mostly they asked me, how was it? I reply most the same thing to people. " Yeah..the question ot so bad..she asked me about swimming, hometown, stages of life that I enjoyed the most, the adults and responsibilities..." before I met people, I messaged mama first. Express how I feel. To me expression is so important. I can't just stand with the feeling without express it to anyone. I guess that's nature. I can't keep inside. I really want somone that I could express what I feel, and what I've go through. And I message 5 peoples. with same message.
" Salam. I've done my IELTS speaking test. The question not so bad. I got .(...bla2...). Right now, need to focus on listening, reading and writing test that will be on this saturday. Do pray for my success."
Well, this is what I did before having the test, I try to tell most people that I know especially person like my parents. I hope for their pray. RESTU. Really important and once u got it, u will feel very good. Even, if you not really capable, at least you feel able to go through the circumstance that you might face. Just hear, that mama and abah, alway doas for me, it just enough to me. I have someone that I could rely on for now.
And, mama replied to me, well done. Oh yeah. the 5 people that I message were mama, husna, cikgu jalini, abah, and laili. laili one of my close friend. cikgu jalini because fortunately, she message me yesterday (since long time never sms her). yeah. I think it is important to to acknowledge guru. Because, they are just like our parents. And their doa is so much powerful. Once I got some kind if inpiration from them, i feel good. I'm not looking down at myself. I feel I am 'somebody' because I got some 'recognition' from someone that I knew.
Hmm..I'm start to crapping lot. Now it's alreaday 40 minutes already. Wow. Time moves so fast!
By the way, this is my story. Oh yeah. One of the best thing that happen today, is not entirely about IELTS but today, fortunately I've did something that impressed other people. It feel good when someone said, "I am impressed". I know, it is not so good to feel so good about yourself but I think I need space for myself. To have some kind of pleasure is imporant so that I gain my own confidence.
Yeah. today I transfer my english class from period 2 to period 4. They did discussion about the caricatures and one interesting thing was, Mr. Ben brought like a crumple of newspaper that looks like a toy and he wants the one that got the 'thing' have to lead the class for discussion. Facilitate them to be in discussion. Actually, I don't why after I done my IELTS, and when I step to the class, I still feel the 'dub dab dub dab' feeling. I don't know what makes me nervous. even IELTS Speaking test had over! Perhaps the excited feeling that I felt? It could be. I feel so excited! Well, I feel that at time, no wonder I feel that feeling, because after the moment, I got the 'thing' and I am needed to conduct the class. " Oh man..is this for real? to replace Mr. Ben's job? although for a minute..It really need a confidence to do that"
Well, actually when he explained about the procedure, that the facilitator are not going to teach but just to make sure the discussion keep on and also facilitate the clasas to understand and bring up to the story. Put some insight and gain some ideas and inspiration. Thats what he/she's job. When I heard about that, My feeling at that time, kinda nervous. I feel " hey..I want to try.." I thought like, it's going to be voluteer. I am ready to raise my hand. But it is not. As I mentioned, the one that have the 'thing' are going to conduct the class discussion. But at the end, I never expect I get the 'chance' as I wish. That thing really on my desk. Somone just throw and it is on my desk directly. As I thought before, "yeah.the thing will not going to me, coz I'm new in class. nobody will give it to me. coz they don't really know me. " but at the end, it comes just like I wish but I never expect it for the very first place. I'm a bit surprise at first. I can't believe it. I respond like .." Are you now, me? right now? conduct the class? " and mr. ben said yeah..before that she said, you are a scholar..n something..i can't really catch his word. and at that time I still feel hesitate to go in front and take charge because I feel that the one that conduct the discussion at that time was very good. but when it comes to my turn, I don't believe it I need to conduct the class until everyone in class looking at me, and wait, then I believe. Yeah. I need to conduct the discussion although at first I wish to but when the times come and you don't expect it to be as you wish..I just happen.
I try my best to do what I could do with the class. I just stared with " Okay..lets move one our discussion.."and ask few things to the class.. As today, I wear formal attire, I could feel good and confident. There is a friend that I know keep smiling at me that I take it as a 'support' I knew by her smile means ''Go, Ain.."..A cheerful smile. I smile back and her and try what I could do. I just act normal and naturally. Although At first a bit shaky. How should I start. What should I say? that's came up in my mind. But at last, I did it gracefully. and the discussion move smoothly not as what I expect. I never expect to 'perform' on that day. I manage to get people talk, gaining ideas from different people, asking few questions and asking about their opinion whether they agree or disagree. (of course most of them agree but then I start to ask question that more about guessing and based on free-opinion).
For example , "Do you think that the Mr.Gardiner's social status can change? how? .." then after hear few opinions from my fellow classmates, I make assumption by saying to the whole class, "to change or upgrade status means to married with people that has higher social status in the society. Do you agree? " and then a guy, raise his hand and said, no. Not necessary. he expressed his opinion about work and effort.
Yeah. after that, I just endup the discussion by just smiling and err err to MR.Ben. Mr. Ben just take charge the class after all. He start to conclude the 'peformance' of the class. He said, "it is really amazing to see the leadership in some of us" At first, start with (someone that I forgot his name) and then, goes to Sarah. That I know Sarah can lead the discussion but she don't really want to talk more to people. and I knew at the very first place, Jeff want to take the 'thing'. He wants to lead so much. And it is suprising, after the 'thing' went to other group just after 10 minutes it goes back to Jeff. It is like Jeff talking to the 'thing' "I really want it."" because he really loves to lead. But at the very first, I really don't want to give it to Jeff, I want find someone other than him because he really want it. Next, we see, Ain take place the show. and she did a very good job. Make people discussed, asking discussion question and try to balance up. make people understand. and that's very good. .."
I want him to talk more. but seems like the time is very limited. and I actually wait the time to go and tell my expreience to the guy that I know going to have IELTS. however, before it, Mr. Ben come to talked to me after class, but still in class, he said, " you are really good in leadership. I feel impressed. You asked people, get people to talk, you feel very comfortable don't you?" And I was like..err..yeah..perhaps.." and you seems like you are very ready to go and take charge the class.." I just keep quiet and just keep smiling. In my heart,like...hoho.. did you know that..haha..althoug I wish it, but I never expect it to be soo good. and he said once again, he so impressed of me. and I smile and just glad and said alhamdulillah in my heart. after that, I thank him for the class.
By the way, there is a feeling at time, " hey..Q..show your ability to people that you can speak english very well!" . Thats the spirit from IELTS speaking test. and I feel that it still keep inside and remain in myself until I take charge the class discusiion. That's why there still have the 'passion'
yeah. thats it. that's my story today. I knew, this post is longer as I've been writing almost for an hour without stop. But I feel it is an 'inner' achievement that I felt today. Feeling good, confidence, brave and nice. Be nice to everybody. Always. Another achievement that I felt, is I'm not manage to overcome my hesitation to ask for clarification. For example, it begins with the IELTS speaking test, I asked question for clarification and the exminer respond with examples. Even she had clarify it, I asked pulak for repeatin g question. I think and I feel it is achievement for me. Because, I used to be afraid to ASK before. So, I feel it is an achievement. I also, managed to overcome my sleepiness in my data class. I feel good, when my teacher respond to me. Have attention. I start asking question that I don't really understand what she' talking. Not in data class, but also in law class. There is a word that Mr.Hanna said..that I don't know that word. And I asked what does it mean by Taboo. what's that. And i got the feedback. Not only from Mr. Hanna but also from other people in the class. My classmate, one of it, try to explain to me in malay, but of course people around not understand, including mr. Hanna, but after a while he try to explain in english, and I respond by trying to express whether is it right what I understood so far with their explaination.
Yeah. Asking for clarification, really makes me feel good.
By all means, as I mentioned earlier, today will not be as today, I do nothing yesterday. I think, yesterday really affect my day today. For example, if i'm not mistaken, yesterday I read something about istighfar in LAN class and I apply it this morning. I think it really works. Based on what I read, istighfar itu menghilangkan kedukaan, kalau ada masalah, hati rungsing, akan jadi lapang, di sebalik mohon diampun dosa, mohon rahmat Allah, and banyak la fadhilat dari banyak istighfar. At the moment, I just realize, wow..this is amazing. Terlepas pandang about kelebihan the importance of istighfar. rasa mcm nk post kat iluv je. really menyedarkan. and then, I went back to Casa, having little chit chat with my housemates(rarely i have so much chit chat with them . thats quite bad. ), a bit 'gossip' and I read quite much actually. I cook rice and eat with daging(bcoz I really need iron due to the blood that i 'missed'), with sayur and also tauhu telur. I'm so full. and after that doing some practices speaking with Natalie. She willing to do favor by asking me question using the module. after a while, I 'flat' already. I unable to do anything, I just jumpt straight away into my bed, and not wake up. I don't know. At that moment, I feel my body a bit heavy at the bottom. Maybe because I eat carb and heavily. Before that, I take soya with gula merah.
This morning, I wake up a bit early from other day, Allah wakes me up. around 4.45. The first thing that I did, I remember in my dream to write things that I should consider when speaking. 1) avoid mmm...
That's the first thing in my mind. After finish listing things to consider and aware of, I recite doa that I used to read every morning. Yeah, most probably the reason I feel so good today, because I begin with good. I believe with what abah used to say to me always. "Cemerlang awal, akan cemerlang akhirnya". So, I can conclude that, wake up early morning, can give a sense of good feeling. Feel earlier and advance from otehr people. And then, before I start read mathurat, I start first with istighfar for almost 70times. As I remember the hadis that I read yesterday. It really reminds me. Honestly, I feel it really work! Today, I feel everything goes smoothly. It feel like this world in my hand. World in my hand but not in my heart. After all, I read 2 pages of tafsir and the verses talked about the kiamat and the azab orang yang berpaling, kufur, the people in the hell. All described in Quran. I really feel that by keep reading tafsir, really remind me, no matter what goes on, this world is just very temporary. Even, in Allah's sight, this world is just a day to Him. But to us, it is so long. Ya Allah..perkiraan Allah tu tak terjangkau. Sungguh.
I hope I can be the one that missed Quran. Holding Quran, love Quran and obey to Quran most of the time. What I do is, by make sure, I read one day, one page of tafsir. I will make sure, early in morning I will read once. I know that maybe I am quite weird to people sometimes. People could see me a bit strange as I used to bring Quran everyday to college. That rarely people do. I suppose. Bring Quran almost everywhere. (by holding it). Yeah. AI dont really feel or think anything actually. But there is one day my friend asked me, Do you think that by doing this thing is like what Islam teached. She trying like to asked, adakah dengan bawak Quran sepanjang masa, itu yang Islam ajar.? I don't know what she really means. Maybe she feel..I don't know. perhaps people dont really feel easy that I bring Quran most of the time?? Entah. that question come to my mind. and I start to asked myself why I'm doing this? that people don't ever do it. Is this what Islam teach? is this good? could it be bad? at time, i start to think and find the answer. and that day, I get the answer from someone . that person said to me, kalau niat mungkin dengan cara tu kita rasa dekat dengan Allah, tak salah pun. No need to bother others.
That makes me strong. I will keep doing that I feel its not wrong. Even it will be different from others. It is not, i do it i want to make like an identity. I do it because I just feel I want to do it. And I feel nothing wrong with that. Its only people's perception. And why should I bother? yeah..smae thing like wearning niqah. I could feel the 'spirit' a bit lost for sometime. but right now, i feel like the feeling to wear it, start to call me..I always imagine, what if i wear niqab in the university in canada? what will it be? perhaps, its true it is difficult. but who knows by that way, lies more opportunity for me to talk more about islam?? Of course physically i will be different from other people. I don't know. I still thinking. And I knew it will be hard and challenging. Not just spirit, but also mentally and could also be physically.
I don't why. also, at this time, I'm thinking of marriage. One thing, that could be hard yet challenging. I'm just thinking to do something that challenge myself. It is not i'm saying I want to get married because of it is challenging. Thats not the issue. of course the main thing to consider of intention to married is because of ALLAH and Rasul. Should be that. But what I thinking is, to do sunnah, or perhaps to do something that people not usually do really interest me. I don;t know. Perhaps since long time, i want to be different from others. Since I was 15 years old. The turning point to be 'different' perhaps. By thinking to take 22 subjects in SPM, then reduce to become 14 at last. This 'crazy' thing always in my mind. as it is really challenge. I don't know why I really love challenge. Even things that perhaps people thing its going to be hard. But I guess, I will say,,'hey why not??"
Okla. I know marriage is not a single thing and not just a thing that you can play with it. It is about life. talking about life, i want to taste this life as fullest. and eventually, this week, in iluvislam there was a post talked about nikah muda and bahagia. Ah sudah...sudah terang lagikan bersuluh. konkrit, the reason to get married. haha. biarlah masa menentukan.
I just pray that I can do the right thing ever in my life. How am I today, will not be as today If I do nothing yesterday. My decision to take 14 subject in SPM, has 'changed' my life. I am sure, that in future also, I will considering to take it as 'challenge'. Purdah? Kawin muda? Will cost changes and transition in my life. How could I adapt with people surrounds me. Well, It is not only about purdah or marriage. but that's what in my mind, that I feel the 'most challenge' thing to do.
Even it is not a bad thing, it could be not always a good thing jugak. ...paradox.
Times up. I should stop now. almmost 2 hours start to feel sengal!
That's all for now. I think I talked so much.. Oh yeah, before I end this post, it is also an achievement for me to write in English.
I should reward myself with tasty wafer. Chill ^_^
Wassalam.
5:55PM
Taylor's Library
Wednesday 4 March
8.20PM(updating)
Just suddenly this thought pop up in my mind.
Anamika my dear friend that used to help me a lot in IELST speaking practice, her last advice to me before I went to the IELTS speaking test, she told me,
"Just keep going if you stuck. Carry on!"
And I'm just thinking. That is what if I'm stuck when I was speaking. I am thinking that what if I'm stuck with my life? The same thing should be done. Just KEEP GOING.
YEah. this what I should do. Although I'm stuck, I SHOULD KEEP GOING with this life. Stuck could be something that hold me back. I should carry on and never let those things hold me back from moving foward.
I used to remember what abah used to told me as well in past
"When the going get tough, the TOUGHER GET GOING "
Yes. KEEP GOING!! I am tough. I know now, the situation quite tough for me. To face all these thing, preparation for study abroad really teach me more about life rather than just the foundation of study. I also start to find the foundation of life which need the foundation of iman.
Times up. The library going to shut off...
8:35PM
grrrr
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