Jumaat, Januari 29

Tidakkah kamu mahu berfikir?

Dan tidak (dinamakan) kehidupan dunia melainkan permainan yang sia-sia dan hiburan yang melalaikan: dan demi sesungguhnya negeri akhirat itu lebih baik bagi orang-orang yang bertaqwa. Oleh itu, tidakkah kamu mahu berfikir?


32. What is the life of this world but play and amusement? But best is the home in the hereafter, for those who are righteous. Will ye not then understand?

Khamis, Januari 28

Can I still keep on thinkng only of myself?

What I want to be ......

Disclaimer : This is a free writing. I wrote in non stop pace, trying to express what in my mind. Be prepared with the unorganized thoughts. You may find the ideas are jumping here and there. I only want to EXPRESS it and trying not to impress. Even so I love to express it but I have difficulty to make it CLEAR. This is more to my own self-reflection but still I loved to share it with others as i feel how important I'm able to express myself in this world. Fell free to add anything that reasonable. May you gain something benefit.

as my way back to my house from the very inspiring lecture that I just in, my heart keeps whispering and praying

aku nak jadi orang yang faham!

i want to be people of action not only people of word

i only want to please Allah my Lord not please people

by having His bless it is a pleasure

as for now, i want to change my attitude,

i want to become people that understand.

as what my father always told me to pray to Allah make me out from the darkness. and ask Allah to become people that understand.


because people that understand has its own place among the people. it is an honour.

its not the honour that I chased for. but it has something or wise to say the advantage to help other people and make other people too understand and share the understanding. to share the knowledge on by people who understand it. to make other people understand we the first need to understand.

i want to do only things that important to me.
do something that important to you?
Whats that mean?
define what is important in my life is crucial.
How is it crucial?

what I learnt from my amazing day today, amazing people that I met, amazing event that went on,

'you cant be like malcolm X. there just people like that. they can sleep only for two hour. do what you can do. you dont need to think big to change the whole world. but you can make a change and play your role with people surround you maybe by joining the MSA and so on..'

its true. I can't be like other people. I need to be myself. I need to have my own identity. and at the moment I'm searching myself lately, which I always question people that I impressed (usually the speaker that I recently met in any even that I joined) , this is the question that I always asked.

"have u ever imagine when you are undergraduate, you will be like what you be today?"

i have gained different types of answer.

and other than that, today I learnt much about IDENTITY.

and now I realized that, I want to create my own identity. starting from this moment. I want to become someone that has the principle of myself, the morale that based on my faith, what I believe in and what differentiate me from others.

as the program of 'walk the talk', there was one session where the speaker asked about identity. How you expressed your social identity.

and become the first person that eager to share my identity.

my feeling at that time, I am very proud to say that the first thing to mentioned about my identity is my faith. I am a Muslim.

if you asked me about identity. that is my primary identity in regards of anything else.

and the speaker add much question to confirmed with my statement.

'so , is it by saying that your faith, something you believe is something that you always think and aware and that faith which always connected to yourself, for daily basis?"

and I said, YES, it is.

yup. that just me!

revealed the main question of identity,
'define who you are'

and in the lecture of malcolm X, which are fantastic and excellent lecture I ever heard. that I can't sleep over it. (a sign that I am fully aware and feel connected with everything that the speaker said), thinking about the role of myself in the society.

What is the place of society tht I play?

and kind of citizen am I?
what the principle that I hold?
do I understand all the principle that I need to hold?

these are the kind of reflections that makes me to become more critical person. Person of ACT not just a person of WORD.

expressing myself to my Lord, to the people surround me to the world.

Now i feel like, I have such important thing to do. There are so much things that I want to do, for the future of the people. not only my people.

again amazing that hard for me to expressed everything that I gained today. The only thing I can do, to share the precious and valuable experiences that I gained is by transformed all those understanding that I gained into ACTION.

ACT based on what I understand the importance of it.

when I'm pondering around the definition of important to myself. I have trouble in trying to identify which have higher importance or priority towards myself, and toward the people.

how can I feel something is very important to me, and something is not.
for example, between studying for exam that left over 3-4 days and went to the lecture that I know is talking something important. there always a decision making between realistic and idealistic.

I realized that I am such an idealist person. Indeed. sometimes I can't help with it. But there are benefit that I gained in becoming an idealist person. I'm not feel bad even so I feel I really need to work on to be more realistic from time to time. But like I said, I want to be myself. Myself that Allah has created that somehow I am idealist person and I know that thing is not something permanent which I can change it by effort. But still I want to acknowledge some of the advantage of becoming and idealist person and just be myself not trying to be like other people.

Act towards something based on what I believe, what I understand, what I feel it is something important.

Belief is another one thing that I would love to touch on, which is not most of people surround us believe like what we believe. understand like what we understand. have the ultimate same goal. therefore, the point that I want to make is, be yourself is something that you make your own decision for your own life. not for other people. the every decision that you want to make is something you think and you feel it is important to you, it is something that you are interested by not to worry what other people might think and feel of it. (even so I'm using 'you' but actually I refering you to myself)

indeed it is crucial to know that everything it is our choice that lies between all the decision. I have the choice to believe whether I will fail or I will succeed. and I also have the choice to act on it or not. I have the choice to believe in something that 'ideal' to be real. The choice is always mine. and the choice is always yours.

when come up with the amazing thought that I ever think for myself, and when I start to think for myself, in what area I want to work on, upgrading myself, to make this world a better place to live to the people. It sounds big. It sounds vague maybe. But from this big heart I want to do something that start for MYSELF. This thought, this words that I imagined that I'm talking to my ownself more that the intention to talk to other people.

The only thing I think of writing this and make it public, is to share what I gained the precious thing that I feel in my life at the moment. The rest is more about my own self reflection.

and also when talking about this, it is come from something that i'm inspired. I believe with inspiration, it creates like a piece of thought and a belief in mind towards what I want to believe. With this inspiration, I start to think about myself what I can do, what I need to do, what I really want to do in this life. Being inspired by people, and to inspired other people that what I always want to do since I'm in my school time. With that, I set that I want to make something important to me, and be inspired with it.

I wondering like how was Malcolm X can just sleep for two hours and he always think about people, pray for people, with books that always in his hand to gain knowledge?

I searching for the answer. Even so I'm not feel fully satisfied with the chaplain or the speaker's answer, but when I walked back to my house, I'm thinking. And guess the answer what ' What minds believe, the body can achieve'.

He believe that he can change the world, only by gain more knowledge, understand the people and so on, and then he try to act on it and achieve what he want and he feel he should achieved. and the body respond to what he believe in. Because he feel that the important to know over particular things for example, and seek the knowledge as much as he could, become someone that is knowledgeable, people that understand the context of the poeple then he can stood up among the people.

Now relate to myself. what is important to me?

I said to myself lately, in my action plan(when I was doing my Uoft Passport thingy), about what build the strength and to develop myself in area that I feel need improvement, I wrote and I said that I want to make this world a better place to live for the people. How? I need the specific knowledge that is required by the people. Knowledge to understand people and things that going on. also I need the skills that required me to interact with those people. and the moving on the next level of my thinking, whats the important to help other people or to make this place a better place to live?

Whats the importance and significance on everything that I need and want to do?

and that I relate that with my ultimate goal, which is to seek for HIs bless, and also to enter His paradise. How was that related? I'm looking on something that can give me the benefit. When to work on something, the first thing that I want to think ( I hope I can be consistent with this principle), is whether that thing can give me benefit or not. Whether I can benefit other people. I know that by being a knowldgeable person, it can be very beneficial to the world.

What I want to do?

A critical question.

I have the wish that I want to leave a LEGACY in this world. Instead of gain the pleasure, there are other thing that I want(but having His bless is the ultimate goal).

I want to be someone that leave legacy.

I want to be people that have influence in this world.
like who is almaududi, hasan albanna, malcolm x

someone that people can learn something from them

people of knowledge, people of understanding, people of faith.

through example.
people of example.

how important to be example to other people, if not at least to myself, as that one of the way people can learn something. people learn something that can be beneficial or they feel it is something that they can apply to their life.

I have the wish that I want when I died, there still people that talking about me. Talking about what I have did. There still something that people can learned about me even so I have died for a thousand of years.

Is that too ambitious?

I knew I'm not. To do something where other people can learn from you? that is critical. It must be people can learn a lesson.

A lesson doesnt means only the right thing I've done. But it could be not the right one but still it pay a lesson. But of course, I'm not hoping the bad thing in my life. But in case if the bad thing HAPPENED, a lesson to be learnt.

but the legacy starts with your ownself, what you did to other people, how you might influence other poeple. how to have the influence? by doing the right thing. stay in what you believe in the right thing to do. and how it can impact other people is only if something can change from the things that you do. where the action might have impact or not is not the main of our job. Just do it. I don't know how to express whats in my mind better than this. I know some of my thought, and my words hard to be understood. ( and even myself sometimes troublesome to understand my own structure sentences) but I know what I'm talking about to myself.

Why I share this thing? Is it important? Yes! It is important to me. Maybe what other people may thing it is not important but it is something important to me. Again it based on what we believe in. What others may not interested, I may interested. something really interesting to you, my not even something interesting to me.

Sharing this thought, sharing this feeling, sharing the reflection just kind of reminder to myself which I could at least sense that someone is witnessing, other than Him, (its not to say He not enought witnessing what in my heart but it is more to be more confidence from my inner side) to confirm the existence of this thought. plus, I hope by sharing also can makes people aware what is happening to the people that the other part of the world. Expressing myself is important and by sharing what I feel, what I gain is something important to me. Well that just me. =>

when I look back the insight that I gain recently, I learnt something about myself which I am people that somehow categorized in 'dolphine' type. which I feel happy and merrier when I can invite people join whath I feel and what I'm doing. Somehow a social person(keep in mind, still in the limit that I understood.. )Well,enough said about myself, at least, even so people that not really understand what I'm saying, what I hope is that people can gain the inspiration that I feel. People can sense it at least a bit from what I feel inspired with the inspiring people and inspiring thought in my mind. and this is the notes of my life that at least the bit of it that I can ever able to expressed. Expressing every amazing thoughts that I feel in my mind. Expressing the amazing feeling that I ever had at the moment. Indeed, putting together all the thoughts in the mind, is not as easy we may say ABC. Plus in a proper way. But here, I'm not thinking to be evaluated, to be judged. Again able to express it at least to myself for myself for my own reflection and reminder. All I want start from myself before other people.

I hope I am able to express all these into my action afterward. Its not only WORDS that I could express it but also action and reaction that I can express. All that I feel come from Him the ONE that always AMAZING and make me amazed and make my life wonderful make my day amazing in just a split second. I feel so great.Subhanallah. Alhamdulillah. Allahuakbar.

Again. I believe it can be realistic not just idealistic. The only thing that can make it real is myself. I want to make it real. I want to make the change. I want to become the leader. (at least for myself). and as for now, I want to be the people of ACTION.

People that are DOING it.

WIth my own belief, understanding, I want to create my own self-identity.

Insha Allah. With bismillah, I start my act to purify myself pysically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. and ask Him to guide me to the right path.

-it just me that i cant resist and help myself from express what i feel.and it always have the long post which I always not realized it at the end of the post.-
hoping that the inspiration will not stop to make me working and functioning as I supposed to
**lg satu benda yg aku terpk n teringat something yg ayah ak pernah ckp. n jugak relate pasal malcolm X tu yg mungkin dia pun terpk jugak, is aku rasa dia mesti rasa, dunia ni bukan tempat untuk berehat. tapi dunia ni tempat untuk berkhidmat. tempat utk bekerja. thats why, dia hanya peruntukkan 2 jam utk tido je, sbb amik apa yg sbnr2nya perlu je. yg lain semua diinfaqkan utk bekerja.


"Keep you heart busy with God and your heart busy with people"
-Yasin Dwyer, speak in the lecture on Malcolm X-

Rabu, Januari 27

Introducing my little newborn ...... ^_^

He so amazing!
(even so he born pre-matured ~lahir tak cukup bulan)
His name is Muhammad Faris bin Noor Hafiz
Hopefully he will become just like Salman Al-farisi ^_^
Mujahid islam inshaAllah!

Selasa, Januari 26


peningkatan agama bergantung dengan ibadat,
peningkatan harta kerana pandai merancang dan berjimat,
peningkatan ilmu kerana mengkaji,
peningkatan akhlak kerana lemah lembut dan mengawal emosi,
peningkatan dalam hubungan sesama manusia kerana membuang sifat sombong dan riak,
peningkatan kesabaran hati kerana banyaknya musibah,
peningkatan kualiti diri kerana disiplin yang kuat.

Isnin, Januari 25

Infaqkan hartamu!

Sayyid Qutub berkata:
“Air hujan itu menghidupkan pokok di kebun itu sebagaimana sedekah menghidupkan hati yang mukmin lalu ia menjadi bersih dan bertambah kuat hubungannya dengan Allah, dan hartanya juga turut bersih dan Allah melipat gandakan balasannya seberapa banyak yang ia sukai, dan seterusnya kehidupan kelompok muslimin juga turut menjadi bersih, baik dan berkembang subur dengan sebab infak itu”.

Beliau menambah:
“Yakni jika tidak ada hujan yang lebat, maka hujan gerimis yang sedikit cukup untuk tanah kebun yang subur itu. Itulah satu adegan yang sempurna yang memaparkan pemandangan- pemandangan yang bertentangan dan dengan perincian-perincian yang tersusun rapi. Ia dibentangkan dengan cara keselarasan yang melemahkan manusia.

“Ia melambangkan setiap perasaan di dalam hati dan setiap fikiran dengan pemandangan-pemandangan yang jelas. Ia menggambarkan perasaan-perasaan dan pergerakan-pergerakan jiwa dengan keadaan dan pemandangan- pemandangan fizikal yang setanding dengannya. Ia menyarankan ke dalam hati supaya memilih jalan yang betul dengan cara mudah yang terbaik”.

Ahad, Januari 24

Instrument to understand God's words

Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) says in a Hadith:

"My eyes sleep, my heart does not sleep”. (Mishkat Sharief)

Rasulullah further says in a Hadith:

"lndeed, a Ghain (a sort of veil) is put on my heart and indeed I ask Istigfar (repentance) to Allah Ta’ala 100 times a day." (Muslim Sharief)

It is because of this Istigfar that these veils were getting lifted and the Qalb-i-Mubarak (blessed heart) of Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) continued to receive higher and higher states of the Divine Knowledge.

We have different instruments for knowing different things, for example, we have thermometer to help us know the temperature of a human body, sphygmomanometer is there to tell us the blood pressure of a person. So what instrument Allah Ta’ala has created in this universe with which one can perceive Him, get His Ma’ârifat and has the capability of receiving and perceiving the rays of the Attributes of Allah Ta’ala?

You have got the answer that it is the Qalb.

Since it is closely associated with the human heart so the two are usually thought to be synonymous and both words are usually used for describing the same thing, though there is a difference. It is in view of this greatness and extraordinary important function of the human heart that Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) once caught the edge of the outer curtain of Khana-Ka’aba and said:

“O Khanah Ka‘abah you are indeed great but the Qalb (Heart) of a Mu'min (True believer) is greater than you" (Ibn Majah Sharief)

In this Hadith, Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) is referring to the greatness of the human heart. This greatness of the human heart is only because of its most important function i.e., Ma’ârifat-i-Ilâhiyah. It is because of this function which makes it king of the rest of the organs (Ra’eesul Aadha).

Allah Ta’ala confirms this function of heart or Qalb by saying in the Qur’ân:

أَفَلَمْ يَسِيرُوا فِي الْأَرْضِ فَتَكُونَ لَهُمْ قُلُوبٌ يَعْقِلُونَ بِهَا أَوْ آذَانٌ يَسْمَعُونَ بِهَا فَإِنَّهَا لَا تَعْمَى الْأَبْصَارُ وَلَكِنْ تَعْمَى الْقُلُوبُ الَّتِي فِي الصُّدُورِ

"Do they not travel through the land, so that their hearts (and minds) may thus learn wisdom and their ears may thus learn to hear. Truly it is not the eyes that are blind but the hearts which are in their breasts.” (22:46)

This statement of the Qur’ân clearly reveals that it is only the heart that can perceive the Reality. These external eyes, which have a limited range of vision, cannot see the Reality. These can only see the coarse things and not the benign things. The range of the vision of heart i.e., inner vision, is infinite. The range of the vision of external eyes is no comparison to it.

Allah Ta’ala invited His beloved Prophet Muhammad (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) to the highest point of humanity, the highest peak which was possible for a human being to reach but which was possible only for the greatest of the greats i.e., our beloved Prophet Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam). This was the highest status which is commonly known as Mi'raj (Rasulullah’s (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) midnight ascension). The capability given to the human heart (Qalb) was utilized to its maximum by the sacred Qalb-i-Mubarak of Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) for knowing the Ultimate Reality—the Almighty Allah Ta’ala. When Allah Ta’ala mentioned this highest achievement of man, He again used the word ‘Heart’.

مَا كَذَبَ الْفُؤَادُ مَا رَأَى

"The (Prophet’s) heart in no way falsified that which he saw.” (53:11)

This again indicates that the highest perception of the ultimate Reality i.e., Allah Ta’ala was achieved again by the same instrument i.e., Qalb. In the another Qur’ânic verse, Allah Ta’ala says:

إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَذِكْرَى لِمَنْ كَانَ لَهُ قَلْبٌ أَوْ أَلْقَى السَّمْعَ وَهُوَ شَهِيدٌ

“ Verily in this is a message for any that has a heart and understanding or who gives ear and is a witness.” (50:37)

Here Allah Ta’ala clearly declares that to understand the message of the Qur’ân and to get benefit from this immense treasure, one needs to have a Qalb.

Here one may say that everybody has a heart, then why does not every body understand the Qur’ân? The answer is that one needs a pure and live heart (i.e., Qalb) which can utilise its special capability of perceiving the Attributes of Allah Ta’ala and can unfold the curtain which otherwise obscures the view from the real meaning of the Qur’ânic message.

Allah Ta’ala says in the Qur’ân:

فَمَنْ يُرِدِ اللَّهُ أَنْ يَهْدِيَهُ يَشْرَحْ صَدْرَهُ لِلْإِسْلَامِ وَمَنْ يُرِدْ أَنْ يُضِلَّهُ يَجْعَلْ صَدْرَهُ ضَيِّقًا حَرَجًا كَأَنَّمَا يَصَّعَّدُ فِي السَّمَاءِ كَذَلِكَ يَجْعَلُ اللَّهُ الرِّجْسَ عَلَى الَّذِينَ لَا يُؤْمِنُونَ

“ Those who Allah Ta’ala willeth to guide, He openeth their breast to Islam. Those whom He willeth to leave straying- He maketh their breast close and constricted As if they had to climb up to the skies, thus Doth Allah Ta’ala lay abomination on those who refuse to believe” (6:125)

In this verse Allah Ta’ala has linked His bestowing of guidance to somebody with opening of his breast for Islam. Since breast is the seat of Qalb, so its opening is the opening of Qalb for Islam. This process has been described as the enlightening of the heart with the Eternal Light. As Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) while explaining the above mentioned Qur’ânic verse says:

“Ibn-Masood (RA) narrated that Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) recited ( the above mentioned verse) “ those whom Allah Ta’ala willeth to guide, He openeth their breast to Islam" then Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said when the light (External) enters the breast it opens. He was asked, is there any sign by which this (Eternal Light) can be appreciated? he said,“ yes forsaking the world of deception and inclination towards the eternal world (Hereafter) and preparation for death.” (Mishkat)

In this Hadith, Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam), has clearly pointed out that enlightening of the heart with the Eternal Light means the opening of the heart.

From the Aayat quoted above and the Hadith the inference can easily be derived that it is the enlightened heart (Qalb} that gets the guidance of Allah Ta’ala and can, therefore, perceive the Truth and the ultimate Reality. Now the question arises if the heart is not enlightened by this Eternal Light, then what?

Zulmat and Nur (Darkness and Light)

The opposite of the Light is Darkness. The Qur’ân has mentioned these as Nur and Zulmat respectively.

The heart which is not illuminated by the Eternal Light is said to be in darkness or blind as Allah Ta’ala says in the Qur’ânic verse, already quoted, that their (external) eyes are not blind but their hearts are blind. This darkness of heart (Qalb) is called Zulmat whereas the Eternal Light which enlightens the heart is called Nur.

Allah Ta’ala reveals this in the Qur’ân:

اللَّهُ وَلِيُّ الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا يُخْرِجُهُمْ مِنَ الظُّلُمَاتِ إِلَى النُّورِ وَالَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا أَوْلِيَاؤُهُمُ الطَّاغُوتُ يُخْرِجُونَهُمْ مِنَ النُّورِ إِلَى الظُّلُمَاتِ أُولَئِكَ أَصْحَابُ النَّارِ هُمْ فِيهَا خَالِدُونَ

“ Allah Ta’ala is the protector of those who have faith: From the depths of darkness He leads them forth into light.” (2:257)

Now if we recapitulate the Qur’ânic revelations and the saying of Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) already quoted in the previous lines, we can easily come to the conclusion that the function of the Qalb is to perceive the Divine Attributes, appreciate the Ultimate Reality and to understand the message of the Qur’ân.

If the Qalb is plunged into darkness, then obviously it is deprived of these functions and will be as good as dead. So, when a person has his Qalb in the depths of darkness, he cannot know the Truth, cannot understand the significance of the eternal life, cannot achieve Ma’ârifat of Allah Ta’ala and cannot even smell the fragrance of the meaning of the Qur’ân, not to speak of tasting and assimilating it. This person is like a frog in a well that is totally unaware of the vastness of this universe, as this frog thinks that the well in which it lives is the only world.

In medical terms, we are aware of two states of mind, conscious and subconscious states.

Normally, in the majority of people the major portion of mind remains in subconscious state and only a little portion attains conscious state or else one can say that the major portion of mind remains in darkness and only a little portion gets enlightened. It is the conscious portion of mind that is utilised by man, therefore, the major portion of his mind remains un-utilised.

If one talks of neuro-anatomy and physiology of human brain, the modern medical science has yet succeeded in knowing the anatomy and physiology of only few centres of brain, a tip of an iceberg. The mystery of tremendous ocean of the brain potential remains unexplored to the scientists of Medicine even today.

The same does not hold true about the great muslim research scholars. As Allah Ta’ala took them from the depths of darkness forth into the light which enlightened their subconscious state, converting that into conscious state. With this enlightenment their ratio of conscious state and sub-conscious state got reversed, their conscious state of mind became so powerful that it gave them immense vision which could penetrate all the curtains that otherwise lie between the Reality and the Mind and between, the Qalb and the external eyes.

Source : Darul 'Ulum

Jumaat, Januari 22

Living in reality purposely

~Making poem in the morning~

-no title-

I woke up in the morning
and bare myself from sleeping

Sometimes I wondering
and it is hard to imagine
how people keep on living
and that doesn't know the purpose of living

it just like a boy was playing
a soccer in his dream
where a ball keep be kicking
by the members of the team
without having goal in their playing
and they keep on fighting and struggling
and blindly enjoy their playing
without knowing the direction in their thing

i wonder how this life might be
if people can't see the reality
and some people resist to show the reality
also someone that neglect the reality
and some that don't want to understand the reality
this world might be interpret blindly
by people that are also greedy
and people that keeping the truth in their 'territory'

Life will never be easy
as long as you can see
with you heart truthfully
A wonderful life will be
when one knows the secret of reality

66 Madison Ave

Rabu, Januari 20

Sense of belonging

hiburan, hiburan, hiburan
hiburan yang melampau..
hiburan yang berlebihan..

i dont want to be judgmental on this
i don't want to say this is good this is bad to other people
even so, i want to say it to myself. that's not good, that is bad.

I feel irritated somehow to see this kind of people
however, i can't run my life from facing this kind of thing...
even so i wish i could run from it
but we are not living in ideal world where all people are like us
think like us, understand like we did and have almost the same interest.

however if the people surround you are bad, you should not be bad as them. (bad in term of my own 'standard').

ah hiburan. aku lemas dengan hiburan. kau hanya reti menghiburkan hatimu. aku cukup benci melihat dirimu hanyut berhibur dalam duniamu.

terasa bagai berada di dunia yang berbeza.
alam realiti. dengan alam fantasi.
astaghfirullah. aku kadang-kadang cukup terseksa.
terseksa dengan galak tawa itu.

aku diam. diam ku tak bermakna aku suka.
diam jua tak bermakna aku redha. diamku punya seribu makna.
namun, ia tidak bermakna andai selamanya aku diam tanpa rasa juga diam yang alpa.

ya Allah. ku pohon perlindunganMu.
(maaf emo). rasa mcm tak tahan. tapi kena bertahan. sabar. (haish..spoil my mood to reflect)


hari ni, aku cukup bersyukur. diberi peluang, bertemu dengan pelbagai jenis manusia, yang berbeza-beza pandangan juga yang punya matlamat yang sama untuk dicapai. kebelakangan ni, persoalan ini berlegar di fikiranku, 'apa yang aku mahu dalam hidup?' 'apa yang aku mahu capai dalam hidup ini?' 'bagaimana caranya untuk aku capai perkara tersebut?'

3 benda yang cukup penting menentukan hala tuju serta gaya hidup ini selain dari mengetahui dan memahami tujuan hidup ini diciptakan.

aku masih lagi memikirkan. di kala sibuk memikirkan cara untuk memperbaiki prestasi akademik dan pencapai di universiti, aku juga cuba tak terlepas dari menyibukkan diri dengan mengikuti aktiviti sosial di luar waktu kelas. Sungguh, bila menceburkan diri dalam aktiviti bukan akademik seperti yang aku jalani hari ni, ternyata memang kurasakan antara benda yang kumahukan dalam hidup. Sukar digambarkan dengan kata-kata. Cukup hanya dengan perbuatan.

Apa yang aku belajar, sesuatu yang memang tiada dalam buku teks. iaitu pengalaman. mana mungkin sama pelajaran yang kudapat dari berjumpa dengan orang dan pelajaran yang dapat dikutip hasil dari pembacaan. Alam realitinya memang berbeza. Merasainya juga memberi impak pada rasa. Sukar untuk digambar dengan kata-kata. (terasa pelik berbahasa baku dan formal macam ni..rasa mcm nak tukar tune)

ok2. so, cukuplah berbahasa 'buku' .trying to be more not artistically. ok harini hari Rabu. 20/01/2010. there are few things that I learnt a lot today. Practically and not only theorytically.

dalam program interfaith social injustice of malaria issue tadi, ada la sorang budak 12 tahun ni. aku tak reti sgt nak cerita pasal dia, sbb aku sbnrnya tak berapa paham sgt apa dia ckp. english mmg cair habis. cuma yg aku dpt tngkp, budak ni berjaya kumpulkan dalam 35 ribu CAD, utk fundraising for social justice. budak 12 tahun tuh..kagum aku.satu benda yang aku terfikir, aku nak anak aku nanti jadi camtu. hati macam melonjak-lonjak pulak bila tengok mak dia. sangat-sangat supportive. terus terasa nak jadi super mom nanti! kagum jugaklah dengan umur macam tu dah buat macam2. aku ni yang nak dekat umur 20 tahun, life aku apa je? pergi sekolah, balik sekolah, pergi tuisyen, jawab exam. dapat grade, n then sambung belajar lagi. sangatlah robotnya. tak ambik tau pasal apa yang melanda orang di luar sana.

kesedaran memang tipis yang amat. sekarang pun sama jugak .walaupun, kesedaran ada la sikit bertambah tapi still rasa , aku ni tak ambik tau langsung pun apa yang berlaku kat orang lain.
aku terkesan jugak dengan ada sorang ni cakap masa sesi reflection, dia kata, once of our problem for today, there are people that only support their own people. tu antara yang aku dapat tangkap n aku memang terasa gak r. tak dapat nafikan. kadang2 kita pandang serong. (secara general. tak semua). bila orang kristian buat fundraising ke, or humanity, atau bangsa lain la. kita tak tolong sangat. kita lebih kan orang2 'kita' dulu. aku tak nafikan ada pentingnya. tapi entahlah. aku ada rasa jugak, orang lain tak boleh terlepas pandang and terabai. tapi aku cakap senangla kan..

ok;. aku tak nak jadi orang yang cakap je.

walk the talk!

aku terkesan jugak dengan cara diorang masa buat reflection and ajak orang utk bagi komitmen. masyaAllah. memang satu impak pada diri aku, jugak aku rasakan semua atas takdir Allah jugak untuk izinkan aku datang program ni. mula2 aku mmg fikir nak blah dah. sbb rasa macam, apa la yg aku boleh dapat dtg program mcm ni. mula2 borak2 sembang2. sembang2 pulak aku tak rasa sangat connected ngan aku, lagi2 hal2 dunia. aduhai..aku dah terfikir dah..org beriman ni kalau benda sia2 dia tingalkan kan..pk2 gak. ape aku buat ni betul ke tak. bermanfaat ke tak. antara nak stay ikut smp habis, atau blah. a huge decision. takpe r . dalam hati aku pujuk. sabar la sikit lagi. tunggu. mana tau boleh belajar something. and memang niat aku masa tu only to learn something. even, apa yg dorang borak tu aku cuba nak faham walau aku susah nak faham.(masalah bahasa inggeris aku masih lagi terrible T_T)..tapi buah kesabaran tu. masyaALLah manisnye...sungguh..

ini apa yang aku dapat belajar dari praktikaliti yang dorang buat. n aku kaitkan dengan dunia dakwah. ada satu aktiviti ni buat aku teringat pasal dakwah. ye la selalu je kadang2 aku dengar macam orang kata, ' kita adalah rantai2 dalam kerja dakwah. kalau kita tak buat, kitalah yg jadi pemutus rantai2 tersebut. ' lebey kurang mcm tu la. biasa jugak dibagitau pasal tanggunjawab, amanah untuk laksanakan dakwah, syahadatul haq la dan sebagainya. tapi kadang2 tu, secara ruhiah saja tak mencukupi kalau tak diikat sikit dengan praktikalnya. dan tadi aku belajar dan aku rasa, cara dorang ni, memang patut digunapakai untuk 'program kita' masa2 akan datang.

apa dorang buat, nak bagi orang rasa committed?

lepas je, tunjuk video pasal kesengsaraan yg dihadapi manusia2 kat afrika nun, dia datangkan pulak guest speaker. antaranya, yang ada pengaruh besar. contoh macam budak umo 12 tahun tu. pencapaian yg dia dah buat. lepas tu dengan sorang perempuan presiden utk gereja satu canada ke ape ntah. dan dia tutup masa reflection, dengan mintak setiap orang tulis personal thought pasal komitmen yang dia rasa dia nak buat to make a difference, to make a change. tulis dekat jalur kertas yang disediakan. lepas tu berdiri dalam bulatan, dan kemudiannya baca kat semua orang, buat macam gelang, n stapler, buat macam rantai. dan komitmen tu berstapler antara satu sama lain, n kalau sapa2 yang tak commit, jadi, kertas dia akan break two. masa nak buat rantai tu, aku tak tau nape perasaan aku sangat tersentuh. dengar masih2 punya azam nak make a difference to this world, sangat2 lah luhur. ya Allah. kudus perasaan masa tu walau aku sorang je islam(aku rasa..sebab rasa mcm obvious. ) dalam kumpulan diorang tu, but i feel a sense of belonging to society.

I have something that I need to give to society.
I have something to make a difference and make a change in this world.

teringat kata budak2 tu, not all people have money, but all people have time. they can contribute their time to make a change and make a difference to other people's live.

betul.. kata2 dia ni buat aku teringat pasal INFAQ. orang beriman tu orang yang menginfakkan rezeki yang Allah dah bagi kat dia. rezeki tu plak bkan je harta(duit) tapi jugak masa, jiwa dia.

pastu. sebut2 plak pasal MAKE A DIFFERENCE, MAKE A CHANGE.

ya Allah. subhanallah. bila aku dok renung, aku utk kaitkan dengan islam..eh2 teringat aku pasal AMAL SOLEH.

inilah dia amal soleh yang Allah sebut2kan. soleh tu dalam arab asal maksudnya something better. always better. islah, improve. bukan amal soleh kalau amal tu x dtgkan apa2 kebaikan n perubahan.

dalam surah al-asr pun ada Allah sumpah. Demi Masa. manusia tu dalam kerugian kecuali orang yang beramal soleh, berpesan-pesan akan kebenaran dengan kesabaran.

satu sebab aku suka get involve dengan benda macam ni, sebab dia bagi satu kepuasan yang aku tak dapat cari kat tempat lain. even mula2 aku rasa macam berbaloi ke aku spend time dgn benda2 mcm ni, study nt mcmane? tapi aku rasa, everything has its own price. ada harganya. bila aku balik rumah, aku cuba bayangkan. aku compare diri aku dengan orang yang hanya duduk rumah, berhibur, buat hal sendiri, apakah sama aku dengan dia? apa yang aku dapat dengan apa yang dia dapat? manfaatnya berbeza. bukan nak judge orang bukan nak rasa diri bagus. tapi aku cukup rasa, bukan semua orang mampu buat n dapat macam apa yang aku buat n dapat. so, the only thing i can say, ALL PRAISE TO HIM that make this happen to me. syukur sangat-sangat. Allah tunjuk aku jalan ni. yang buat aku rasa lagi dekat dengan Dia. yang buat aku rasa the 'sense of belonging' to this world. yang buat aku rasa..eh patut orang islam la lagi bekerja keras untuk social injustice semua ni. to be in goodness, and always trying something good will always make you feel good for yourself.

memang harini, aku betul betul rasa, manusia tu fitrah dia sukakan kebaikan. sebelum ni, macam biasa aku dengan benda tu. tapi harini, aku memang melihat, memerhati, merasakan benda tu memang yang sebenar-benarnya yang benar. berkumpul dengan manusia, dengan niat yang sama, tolong manusia yang kurang bernasib baik dari kita, bersama-sama untuk buat kebaikan, amar makruf kat dunia ni, really give a feel of belonging.

semuanya yang aku rasa, aku panjatkan kesyukuran n pulangkan pada Dia. Dia yang berkuasa atas segala-galanya. boleh je jadi aku termasuk antara orang2 yang leka dengan dunia sendiri. auzubillahi minzalik. syukur ya Allah, hati rasa terketuk dan tersentuh hari ni. hari yang dilalui sekali lagi terasa manis. manisnya juga datang dari hasil buah kesabaran. kesabaran jua datang darimu.

so, a promise to myself, and to my Lord, i want to keep on get involved with people. I want to grab all opportunities that it seems I can't get it from other place. whether now or never. However in the same time, keep struggling to make myself a better person. A better person
that play a role in society and this world, inshaAllah.

'you gain what you pay', that's what I believe now.

see what this kid saying! inspiring!

Let's make a difference! (in other way, let's beramal soleh!)

Ahad, Januari 17

Sayang oh Sayang

sekadar berkongsi sebuah kisah...

"Saya bertanya kepada emak, “mana satu pilihan hati, orang yang sayangkan kita atau yang kita sayang? ”

Mak jawab, “dua-dua bukan..”

Saya tercengang.. Mak mengukir senyuman.

“Pilihan hati mak adalah yang sayangkan kita kerana Allah..” Saya menarik nafas dalam-dalam.

“Macam mana nak tau orang tu sayang kita kerana apa?” Mak diam sekejap berfikir dan kemudian tersenyum.

Rasanya mak dapat menduga apa yang sedang bermain dalam hati anak perempuannya. Mana mungkin saya mampu menyorokkan rahsia hati dari mak sedangkan sekilas saya pun mak mampu membacanya. “Yang paling tahu hanya Allah..” mak merenung dalam-dalam wajah anaknya. “Kerana hanya Allah mampu membaca hati hambaNya.. ” mak menyusun ayat-ayatnya. “Dan keikhlasan kerana Allah itu akan terserlah keberkatannya tanpa perlu sengaja ditonjokan oleh seseorang tu..”

Saya memintas, “Tak faham..”

Mak menyambung “Cinta di dalam jalan Allah.. Bertemu kerana sama-sama mencari redha Allah..” Mak menyambung lagi, “begini, setiap insan yang bergelar manusia telah Allah ciptakan berpasang-pasangan. rasa ingin dikasihi antara seorang suami dan isteri suatu fitrah. Automatik boleh ada daya tarikan magnet tu..” Wajah saya merah, sedikit cemas jika mak dapat mengesan gelora jiwa muda ini.. Mak menyambung “Setiap manusia telah Allah tetapkan rezeki,jodoh dan maut sejak azali lagi..Persoalannya ialah..
Siapakah jodohnya itu?” mak berhenti seketika. Saya tunduk malu, cuba menyorokkan rasa panas di pipi. Emak buat-buat tidak nampak.

Secret Admire

“Kakak, mak dulu masa remaja ada secret admire.. Rajin betul dia hantar surat ..Masa tu mak dah tahu yang bercinta sebelum kahwin ni tak halal..Dan masa tu mak tekad tak mahu layan sebab mak takut arwah tokwan kena seksa dalam kubur... Mak sedar mak anak yatim, anak orang miskin, adik beradik ramai.. Mak nak belajar sungguh-sungguh. . Lama budak tu tunggu mak..

Akhirnya mak bagi kata putus, mak hanya akan membalas cinta dia jika dia sah suami mak.. Dan dia memang bukan jodoh mak, maka tak pernah dia menerima balasan cinta tu.” Mak merenung jauh. Saya merapatkan badan kepada emak, semakin berminat dengan kisah lama mak..

“Mak memang tak ada perasaan lansung pada dia ke?” saya menyoal sambil memandang tajam wajah mak. Emak ketawa kecil. “Walaupun mungkin ada, mak tak pernah bagi peluang pada diri mak untuk mengisytiharkan perasaan tu..
Mak takut pada Allah. Mak bukan seperti rakan sebaya mak yang lain.. Mak, seperti kakak..” mak memandang saya sambil memegang pipi dan dagu saya.
Kemudian tangannya mengusap rambut di kepala saya.

“Mak anak ustaz ustazah.. Tapi zaman tu ustaz ustazah nya masih berkebaya pendek dan ketat. Tok wan mak kiyai. Mungkin berkat doa keturunan sebelum ni yang soleh-soleh, hati mak tertarik sangat pada agama walaupun tiada sesiapa yang mendorong.. Bila di sekolah, mak pelajar pertama yang bertudung.. Mak membawa imej agama. Kawan-kawan dan cikgu-cikgu panggil mak dengan gelaran mak Aji.. Sebab zaman tu hujung 70an dan awal 80an tak ramai lagi yang bertudung betul menutup auratnya..Zaman tudung nipis dan nampak jambul. Kemudian kawan-kawan mak sikit-sikit ikut bertudung.
Akhirnya kami semua dipanggil di perhimpunan. Kami dimarah guru besar kerana bertudung sedangkan ustazah kami bertudung tapi nampak jambulnya..”

emak melemparkan pandangan ke lantai.

“Selepas tu ustazah jumpa kami secara persendirian. Ustazah kata dia tak mampu nak pakai seperti kami. Dia suruh kami teruskan..” sambung emak. Ada getar di hujung suara emak. Kisah silam perjuangan emak di sekolah dahulu sikit-sikit emak ceritakan pada saya.
Itulah juga salah satu inspirasi kepada saya untuk bangkit semula setiap kali terjatuh ketika berjuang di sekolah dulu.

“Mungkin kerana personaliti mak, mak menjadi tempat rujukan kawan-kawan mak.. Jadi, bila mak nak ambil sesuatu tindakan, mak kena fikir betul-betul sama ada tindakan mak tu akan menyebabkan Allah marah atau tidak. Mak ayah berdosa tak? Dan maruah pembawa agama terjejas tak? Kalau mak membalas cinta si lelaki tadi, bermakna mak sedang menconteng arang di muka-muka pembawa-pembawa agama.. Orang akan pandang serong terhadap orang yang bertudung sedangkan kesilapan tu hanya seorang dua yang buat. Besar fitnah akan timbul apabila orang-orang agama mengambil ringan batas syariat duhai anak..” mak menelan air liurnya. Saya diam. Fikiran saya sedang cuba memahami maksud mak saya.

Islam tidak mendiskriminasi

“Kakak.. Jatuh hati perkara biasa. Apabila kita jatuh hati pada seseorang, itu tandanya ada sesuatu keistimewaan pada seseorang tu. Apatah lagi orang yang kita jatuh cinta tu di atas jalan dakwah ni..Tetapi kita kena ingat.. Kita tak akan dikahwinkan dengan seseorang atas sebab jatuh hati atau saling cinta mencintai.. Bercouple mungkin.. Tetapi bukan berkahwin... . . Kerana kita berkahwin dengan jodoh kita, jodoh yang Allah dah tetapkan sejak azali.. Dan tak mustahil orang yang kita paling benci itulah jodoh kita yang kita akan dikahwinkan dengannya..”

Tiba-tiba air mata saya mengalir. Argh! Ego saya kalah bila mendengar hujah emak.

Emak meneruskan, “Allah itu Maha Adil.. Dia tak pernah menzalimi hambaNya..Sesungguh nya, yang selalu menzalimi hambaNya ialah diri hamba tu sendiri.. Sebabnyam hamba tu degil. Dia mahukan yang bukan haknya, yang bukan milik dia.
Mencintai seseorang tidak semestinya memilikinya.

Dalam Islam, kita dah diajar untuk saling mencintai antara satu sama lain seperti diri sendiri.. Jadi apabila kita mencintai saudara perempuan, kita bebas peluk dia. Tetapi bila dengan lelaki, kita ada batas-batasnya. Orang kafir kata batas-batas ini suatu diskriminasi, tetapi sebenarnya batas-batas syariat itulah yang memelihara kehormatan seorang lelaki dan seorang perempuan. Cuba kakak renungkan, kita mengenali seorang insan yang amat baik, sempurna agamanya dan rajin. Lalu kita jatuh hati padanya.

Ditakdirkan jodohnya dengan insan lain, kita pula dengan yang lain.. Tetapi itu tidak bermakna ukhwah antara kita dan dia terputus.. Kita dan dia sama-sama mencari redha Allah.. Kita dan dia masih boleh sama-sama bekerjasama untuk mencari redha Allah.. Perbezaannya, dia halal untuk isterinya sedangkan untuk kita, dia tetap lelaki ajnabi seperti yang awalnya.” emak berhenti seketika..

Bukan luar biasa

Tentu kering tekak emak menerangkan kepada saya persoalan hati ini.
“Kakak.. jadi di sini mak nak kakak faham, jatuh cinta bukan perkara luar biasa..Dan berkahwin pun bukan suatu jaminan untuk tak jatuh cinta pada lelaki lain.. Kerana itulah ramai isteri yang curang, suami yang curang..

Ada orang tukar pasangan macam tukar baju. Apa yang penting ialah kita kena perjelaskan pada diri kita supaya setiap kali kita jatuh cinta, jatuh cinta itu kerana kita jatuh cinta kepada Pencipta dia. Kita bagi tau pada diri kita berulang kali yang kita mencintai Allah, kerana itu kita mencintai si dia. Letakkan Allah sebagai sempadan hati kita, segala perkara yang kita cintai dan sayangi termasuk mak abah adalah kerana mencintai Allah... Dan apabila kita membenci seseorang atau sesuatu, beri tahu pada diri sendiri berulangkali yang kita benci sekian-sekian hal kerana Allah semata-mata. .”

“Kakak.. Hati kita ni walaupun dalam dada kita sendiri, ia tetap bukan milik kita. Kita tak mampu untuk mengawalnya. . Hanya Allah yang boleh memegangnya. . Sebab tu kita kena dekatkan diri dengan Allah.. Sebab kita nak dia pegang kukuh-kukuh hati kita. Bila dia pelihara dan masuk dalam hati kita, itulah nikmat lazatnnya bercinta. Masa tu biarpun satu dunia menyakiti kita, kita tak rasa sakit sebab kita asyik dengan nikmat bercinta dengan Allah..Bercinta dengan Allah sangat berbeza dari bercinta dengan manusia. Kerana tentulah pegalaman bercinta dengan lelaki kaya,rupawan, sempurna dan bijaksana tak sama rasanya bercinta dengan lelaki miskin, hodoh,cacat dan dungu.. Betapa nikmatnya cinta Allah, hanya mereka yang pernah merasai sahaja yang mampu mengerti. ”


“Kakak.. Walau siapapun jodoh yang Allah hantarkan untuk kakak, terimalah dengan hati yang redha.. Tak mustahil dia adalah orang yang kita benci.
Kalau yang kakak sayang, tak jadi hal lah.. Tapi kalau dapat yang kakak tak nak, lantaran kelemahan yang ada pada dia, ingatlah bahawa dalam diri setiap insan telah Allah ciptakan dengan kelebihan masing-masing. Dan mungkin kakak ada kekuatan yang dapat mengubah si lelaki tadi supaya hidup dia bermakna dan mungkin kakak sahaja yang mampu mencungkil kelebihan yang ada pada dia... Mungkin juga si lelaki ini ada sesuatu kelebihan yang kakak sangat-sangat perlukan yang satu dunia tak mampu bagi pada kakak.. Alangkah bertuahnya kakak kalau kakak mengerti setiap pemberian Allah dan belajar untuk bersyukur.. ” Sekali lagi berjuraian air mata saya turun. Terasa lemah lutut hendak berdiri.

Emak menarik tubuh saya dan memeluk erat.. Pelukan emak sangat-sangat kuat.

“Emak dah didik anak emak dari belum lahir untuk mencintai Allah.. Sekarang emak serahkan anak emak yang mak sayang sangat ni pada Allah untuk Dia pelihara..” Emak mengakhiri kata-katanya dengan suara sebak dan air mata yang mengalir ke bahu saya.

Renung-renungkan dan selamat beramal...

Jumaat, Januari 15

Dear Abang

' Special dedicated this post for my brother '

Saujana - Selamat Hari Lahir.mp3

*to abang,
sorry if this post mixed up with Malay. Trying my best for not mixed it up.

today you turned into.. err 24? I just try to calculate it just now. 2010-1986 =24! first word that comes from me, "wahhh..abang dah besar!! dah bleh kawen!.." hehe..but no joke la kan. I wondering whether your plan to get married at the age of 30 will be realized or not.

Its ok. That's your personal matter. It just I don't realize that time moves so fast and I can't believe that you really have grow up. 24. A big number to me. and I start looking at myself too that going to turn to 20 in couple of months. Just hard to believe it, I have grew up already and I'm no longer a little girl.

But that's not the matter. The most important part, thank mama for giving birth to you. Glad that you live in this world as a human being You the only Hero in our family, I'm sure she has a bigger hope on you. Not only her but abah too and of course us too.

You know what, one thing that I want to say to you which I'm sure I can't say this if you are in front of me! which is I always proud of you. I know you don't really like praise and love more for criticism but as the hist0rical of day you were born, which I feel it is significance, I just want to say things of what I feel about you and something that I wish I can say this to you.

I'm proud of your own way in taking every step in your life. You have such a unique personality that not many people had. Sometimes, I always admired how you take step for your life and how you embraced it by your own way.

including with your unique response as always in once upon time, when we usually used to ask you when you just went out,

"eh nak pegi mana?"
"pegi mati.."

aha..a good reminder indeed of death! That what I always kept telling myself even sometimes, such reply just a bit annoying though. Well that's you. You just don't like people being so nozy to you as you are not nozy to other right.

I can't really remember the other thing but that one of the most that I still remembered.

the other thing maybe I should not be proud of but things that I proud is the good value in you. Proud that I mean, it is not I'm proud to telling other people, how good you are. Its not until the stage where I have the capacity to show off having a brother like you. ahaks. not at all! hmm..i guess maybe I have misunderstood the word proud. do I? or maybe actually the right word is admire?


What eva..

The other good value that I wish to be good as you is you are such a dedicated student(but not really a dedicated brother though), which always have highest respect and appreciation to your teachers and knowledgeable people surround you.

talking about teachers, in the early beginning of my life in high school, back then I used to be known as 'adik Hidayat' more to the teachers in our school rather than my own name! anywhere I go, that title will always be the first for reference. if not you, 'adik iman'. Susah ada abang kakak yg dikenali ramai. adik dia pun kena tempias sekali. Sometimes at that time, I wondering what have you did to these most teachers until they can remember you very well?

I wish to be such a keen reader like you. Well, I guess you got the influence to read much from Kak Yang, right?

I still remembered during my school time, I always inspired to be good as your or better. Always inspired with success that you achieved. Is it you the best student during your time? Being among the best and top student in school somehow give me impact.

and then you used to monitor my progress you don't want me to make shame on you that have succeed. ahaks. Sometimes I just feel,...cittt...

there was one time, I feel jelaous to see you always get the 'brand' of the name. For example, in you life history, you ever been to MCKK. but then you move out. You have been tu UIA, but the the same thing went on, you went off. But still always there in your transcript of education history. well, that not much important.

Thinking of how significant you are to me?

Remembering what have you did to me and what I have done to you? Some memories were flashed back.

I just noticed that you are the one that somehow indirectly introducing me to the world of dakwah. I used to observed you authoring for Soutul Haq. Our school monthly dakwah pamplet. I always curious what you are doing. and just right I jump into my early ages of high school, I interested to continue doing what you did which is spread the good words and messages to people specifically to all students and teachers in that school. But still, always can't beat you in term of the quality of the pamplet such as the layout, contents and organization.

and I still remembered when Ustazah Haryati asked me to continue what you doing after you left the school and then invite me to join BADAR, that was like my first step jump into the world that known as 'dakwah'. That was form 2 and I was 14. Just because of Ustazah know you, it just like a magnet for good and valuable things came to me.

remembering our childhood memories, you left me a parut on my face. I still have the parut(I really cant remember what parut called in English..) on my face though. This happened where you accidently hit my face when playing teady bear with me in the car (on the way to singapore), and the teddy bears' nose a bit horny and scratch a bit my cheek.. I always remember where it come from and i guess you sure forgot about it. At that time, it's a bit hurt especially face! huhu. But I knew, you just wanna play with me, but over doing it. That when I was 5 or 8. Can't really remember when the exact time it took place.

talking about playing..

well.. I still remember, when I was little innocent girl sometimes I just feel like abang doesnt really care about me. Even not only you, when I was little kid, that know nothing much about love, which I'm thirsty of attention and care, I used to hate everybody in the house. I feel because of I'm just so little, no one care about me. That is just something ain't right. But couldn't help myself. That what I felt when I was kid. It's a challenge being youngest kid. Having big bro and sis that don't want play with you and you have no one else to play with, that just so dull for life as a kid.

Yeah I still remember, at one time, when I was litte girl, I asked you to come play with me. I can't really remember what sorts of game that I play at that time. I feel so lonely. Its not only you that I asked, but our other sisters too. Sadly no one seems care of my request. It just because I play the little kid stuffs. and one time, I cried under a table which I guess quite very long time and I stop by myself as I found no one want to pujuk me, or even care.

I don't know whether since that, I also don't really care about other people. Until now, I still could feel (I wonder whether it is the effect of my childhood experiences) where sometimes, I just don't really care about other people feeling. It is not intentionally but mostly indirectly. (at first I didn't knew this. but my dear friend do tell me once long time ago). I wonder now, is it because of there was one time where I used to feel no really one care bout my own feeling? I dont know. But that's not the case here. That is my personal problem. This post should to talk more about you as it is dedicated.

Well, as when I grow up, and start to learn about myself, I start to realize, you care about me in your own way. Even you hard to expressed it, but I can sense it from your act. You are not typical brother, but I do always feel encouraged with your advice and thoughts. Your advices are always wise. As you not always the nagging type, once you start bebel to me, I do really take note for myself.

Somehow, I do feel bad at one time where I am over emotional and start to fired u with bad words. I apologize for that. I dont' really remember what the exactly happened but something of quarrel over computer. I screamed to you like histeria people as I thought you have deleted all my important files. Bad memory that I dont even one to remember anymore. Luckily, you not smashed me back or anything.

We never have quarrel since we small. do we? Maybe I'm just too little for you to have a fight? Sometimes, I do feel jealous to see you and atih. Seems closed and I don't really feel any close and in touch to any of you guys. Well, even that so as I grew up, I always glad to be sister of you guys.

at one time,
even so sometimes, I feel I wish I can have a better abang.
even so sometimes, I feel why you the one that be my abang.?
even so sometimes, I feel I want you be like other people's abang
because I feel I dont get enough from a abang. Maybe I'm person with high expectation.

But u will always be my abang.
Nur Hidayaht bin Hamzah.
One and only.
There's no other way someone can be like you.
but for now, of course we have another abang which is our new abang ipar, Abang Hafiz. =)

I wish to say, thank you for everything!

Thank you for not pampered me so much when I was kid. In other way to say thank you for not manjakan me and bring me to be a matured and an independent girl(when I was small I always wish you holding my hand when crossing the road.)

Thank you for always be my driver when I need.
which I also should thank you for making my heart beat strongly when to be in car with you and I have to always remember Allah n mengucap banyak2 if you are the driver.

Yeah.. I guess that's enough for now. I believe this quite much.

My hope and my wish, I hope you will getting married soon. =P..haha kidding. (i'm not that desperate to have a kakak ipar. i have many kakak already..) I hope you will succeed in anything you do. Even so you need to fail, I hope that brings you closer to Him.

May Allah always bless you and cherish your life with goodness.

May your days are blessed by Allah.

With that, I should end this post.

Warm wish and love

your beloved youngest sister,
Adik Qu.

Khamis, Januari 14


“We are responsible for our lives and for our world. And if we don't engage that responsibility, no one else will and we will live or die with a legacy of our failures.
One cannot be so afraid of dying that you missing living
-Dr. James Orbinski -

Wahai orang-orang yang beriman!
Bertaqwalah kepada Allah (dengan mengerjakan suruhanNya dan meninggalkan laranganNya); dan hendaklah tiap-tiap diri melihat dan memerhatikan apa yang ia telah sediakan (dari amal-amalnya) untuk hari esok (hari akhirat). Dan (sekali lagi diingatkan): Bertaqwalah kepada Allah, sesungguhnya Allah Amat Meliputi PengetahuanNya akan segala yang kamu kerjakan.

Rabu, Januari 13

What do you do?

---There are many people in hardship in this world that need us!---

TRIAGE : Humanitarian Dilemma

Significant and Interesting quotes

“I still have, and I always will I think, a nearly uncontainable rage about what happened in Rwanda, in Somalia and in many other parts of the world and about what's happening now in many parts of the world. To see mothers and fathers and children dying of indifference, dying of neglect, of abuse, of somebody's political calculation, that that doesn't matter. It fills me first of all with just profound sorrow that they have to live that and die it. And then it fills me with rage, frankly. And the question then is what do you do? What do you do with that?”
“There were displaced people literally everywhere. Just imagine thin-boned people walking down the street with whatever they have left - one or two children, too weak to move. They were hungry, they were sick. They were dying literally on the streets. And under those circumstances you have to focus on what it is that you're here to do. We were trying to provide food and medical care for upwards of 150,000 people who had flocked into Baidoa. They were sitting silently, waiting for food. And that's what I remember the most is the silence. Children were so weak that they couldn't even lift a spoon to their mouth. And too weak to even yell or be upset because the food isn't here or it's late or whatever. Too weak to even assert themselves. That's what a feeding centre looks like.”

“The genocide in Rwanda was THE most transformative moment in my life. Much as I love my wife and much as I love my children, I know that the single most powerful moment of insight for me was here.”
“The genocide was a collective act. What made it possible, what made that final political crime possible was the absence, the erasure of seeing the other, of knowing, of feeling, of being with the other. And when that's removed, then politics can become genocidal.”

“On a personal level I'm definitely writing for my children. I want them to know who their father is. How I have really struggled to live in a way that I think and feel is right. I want them to understand that there's no perfect answer, but there's the right question. And there's a right way to live your question. And, therefore, to live your life. There are so many crucial issues that have to be addressed... global warming, the war on terror, the use of torture... and none of these will be addressed unless we take our responsibility as human beings and from a place that respects the dignity of others, including our enemies... This is the lens. This is the way to see the world.”

Selasa, Januari 12

I want to be PRODUCTIVE like her

Hari ni hari Selasa.
12.01.2010.- minggu ke-2, Semester ke-2

terasa macam nak tulis ala2 journal plak.

Cepat betul masa berlalu. MasyaAllah! Apa aku dah buat untuk baiki diri selama ni? Have I improve anything? I wish I did. even so I feel I don't really progress much and become productive person. ok2..start from now on, I always make my mind, I MUST CHANGE MYSELF. I must become better in any way, and anything I did.

Fokus! Attention! Post ni, sekadar suatu luahan secara rambang terhadap pemerhatian, pemikiran aku buat masa ni.

Apa aku buat harini?
apa aku dapat belajar +inspirasi hidup harini?

1. Apa aku dah buat hari ni?

* datang kelas psychology,
* ikut meeting blood drive,
* pergi lecture time management,
* datang jugak kelas econs walau tinggal 35 minit je lagi nak habis. (memang prinsip aku yg susah nak bagi diri ponteng kelas. no matter what the reason n how late am i. pernah je pegi kelas tutorial, yang tinggal lagi 15 minit je nak habis. at one point, memang tabiat buruk la. tak tepati masa. but try to look at the bright side at least, semangat cintakan kelas/ majlis ilmu. )

cuba untuk positif, hari ni adalah benda yang lebih baik dari semalam. Tak tido dalam kelas kecuali 25 minit yang terakhir tu terlelap kejap. Nasib ada member kat sebelah gerakkan. Ada baiknya ada kawan yang memang kenal kita. Thanx julia for touch me. If not maybe I will be sleeping beauty lol.

ada la sikit improvement dari semalam. ya Allah..
tahap mengantuk yang tak tahan kot. kelas politik, tido. tutorial history, cover2 tido sambil menulis.(kidding myself not being attentive. my bad). lecture history, setengah jam pertama, terlelap lagi. huhu. segan jugak seh. dah la duduk baris depan pulak. aduhai. jatuh saham. tapi apakan daya.

tapi, tak boleh biarkan,kan? imej as a muslim jugak kan. tak produktif gitu. oh. takbleh2. tak boleh biar melarat.selalu jugak fikir2, kenapa mudah terlelap dalam kelas ni?

antara faktor penyumbang mengantuk bila dengar talk,

- not feel connected
- tak faham sangat apa cikgu cakap. sama ada apa dia cakap tak paham atau paham apa dia cakap, tapi tak dapat tangkap apa yang dia tengah cakap. alih2, rasa cikgu tu syok sendiri, dan aku pun syok dengan 'dunia' aku.
- tak prepare.

totally all is my own faults basically. know the stuff. things that should be done, but somehow it much easier think, said than done. apa2 pun kena jugak usahakan as that the only way to survive and excel.

habis kelas, pegi bahen. bayar hutang. makan sushi. beli choc cookie n apple danish n choc sneeker believe. inspired plak nak makan benda2 yg nampak mcm inspired nih.

then solat zohor. lepas solat zohor, hati terasa nak pergi uoft bookstore. memang dah lama simpan hasrat nak beli something for family. n membeli belah la aku. lama jugak memilih. buah tangan buat keluarga. usai je pilih memilih, mikir memikir, bayar membayar, elok pulak timing dia, terdengar orang iqamat utk solat asar. joinla jemaah. usai solat asar, ke multifaith centre pulak untuk interfaith meeting interfaith untuk kendalikan program menderma darah hujung bulan ni.

kali pertama aku ikut meeting MSA (Muslim Student Association). lagi pulak interfaith. sebelum ni ada jugak macam interfaith discussion but that more to religion. kali ni berbeza dari segi penglibatan berbeza jenis orang. aku kebanyakannya diam je dalam mesyuarat tu. tak banyak buah fikiran atau pendapat yang mampu nak lontarkan. ikut je flow. tapi aku cukup kagum la dengan ahli2 mesyuarat. dengan izin Allah, aku rasa inspirasi bila tengok sorang non muslim ni. tengok dia ni, periangnya. suka tengok dia senyum. dari gaya dia, memang nampak she looks smart lady. dari gaya dia cakap, cara dia susun apa dia nak cakap. tengok jugak muslim yang ikut mesyuarat tu sekali, kagum jugak.

I feel inspired when I look at them and try to compare myself with them. Oh man..I feel I left much behind. and I just thinking, in real world, job market, they are type of person that people always wanted. Know how to conduct meeting, organizing thoughts and ideas, and so on, those are skills which you cant get it in the textbook! Seriously I feel, quite bad for those that only go to university, go to class, without trying to participate themselves in extra curricular activities. I'm looking at myself for that. How I have waste the golden opportunity to enrich myself with something precious and valuable for the future.

ruginya kalau masa yang ada ni, tak guna betul2. ruginya kalau masa yang ada terleka dengan hiburan yang tak bagi manfaat. rugi..tapi kadang2 terjebak dengan kerugian jugak. hati kadang2 rasa sayang sangat. contoh terdekat depan mata.

When I look herself, I wish I can be like her. I want to be dynamic as her. A productive person, indeed. Yes. I must be what a real muslim should be. Sahabat-sahabat nabi dulu, even Nabi sendiri pun seorang yang sangat-sangat aktif, bukan? Kalau mengaku kita ikut ajaran Nabi, kenapa tak contohi sifat-sifat Nabi. Sayang sekali mengaku islam, mengaku Allah sebagai Tuhan, tapi hakikat diri masih belum benar mengertikan, menterjemahkan segala pengakuan dalam hidup.

Harap ini bukan cakap2 je. Satu inspirasi buat diri sendiri.

Aku terfikir jugak, apa yang aku dapat selama aku di negara orang ni? Apa yang aku dapat belajar selain 'belajar' secara formalnya? Sangatlah ruginya kalau peluang yang diberi tak dimanfaatkan sepenuhnya.

Kadang-kadang sedih jugak bila melihat fenomena 'poya-poya'. Tapi tengok balik dalam diri sendiri, banyak jugak benda yang masih senget lagi. Jadi, tak boleh asyik tengok orang lain. Kena selalu tengok diri sendiri. Kenapa? sebab orang lain pun adalah cerminan diri kita sendiri. Nampak orang lain macam senget, sebenarnya kita sendiri dah tersenget lebih dari orang lain. Satu peringatan jugak buat diri.

Aku kagum tengok orang-orang yang aktif berorganisasi ni. Kagum, macamana diorang semua ni urus masa? Aku memang kadang-kadang macam geram jugak kat diri sendiri sebab selalu jugak fail bab time management. Aku tengok masa mesyurat yang sebelah aku tu, muslim brother 2nd year student. Dalam hati.. wah dia ni baru 2nd year. tapi dah terlibat dengan macam2 program. agaknya kalau aku dah tahun kedua nanti(kalau rezeki panjang, insyaAllah), bleh jadi macam dia tak? Kadang2 ada masa, aku rasa aku belum cukup matang. Bila tengok orang lain yang dah lalui, n buat macam2. Aku rasa aku ni mentah bila tengok orang hebat2. ada masa, aku rasa, aku perlukan 'booster' untuk aku rasa tanggungjawab dengan hidup. Entah kenapa hidup aku kadang2 macam tak de rasa komited yang tinggi. Apakah sebab faktor persekitaran? Faktor teman sepergaulan?

senang cakap, tak payah point orang atau benda lain, point diri sendiri. Tak cukup sifat-sifat jati diri. Kadang-kadang ada terfikir, apakah aku perlukan 'booster' itu, baru dapat rasa tanggungjawab? Apakah hidup aku dapat jadi lagi baik dari segi pengurusan diri dan hidup,kematangan, etc..? tapi sebenarnya, apa2pun diri sendiri jugak. kalau ada booster macamana sekali pun, kalau sendiri tak kuat, tak jugak ter'boost'.

Berbalik pada kekaguman aku, bila jumpa orang orang yang hebat ni meman gsecara tak langsung, menghebatkan diri jugak untuk cuba jadi hebat macam mereka. Moga inspirasi ni tak mati di sini sahaja.

2. APa yang aku dapat belajar +inspirasi hidup harini?

Belajar teknik mengurus masa dengan bijak.
belajar cara orang kendalikan mesyuarat.
Belajar, yang sebenarnya akademik tu bukan segala-galanya.
Perlukan penglibatan dengan komuniti untuk dapatkan kemahiran yang takde dalam buku teks!

Hari ni aku ada terbaca pasal sorang art sci student, yang dapat biasiswa belajar ke Oxford. dapat inspirasi jugak bila terbaca kisah2 orang hebat ni. Nama org tu, Erin. Student 4th year International Relation and Political Science. Dia memang hebat. Hebat dalam debat, pastu wakil untuk Karate. Dia kata, karate ajar dia untuk fokus n seimbangkan antara belajar dengan aktiviti luar.

4 tahun. aku terfikir. kejap je sebenarnya. dapat ke aku hebatkan diri?
Hebat dalam erti kata, pengurusan diri. Siapa yang hebat dapat urus diri, aku percaya urusan hidup dia pun akan punya kesan.

saatnya aku terfikir jugak masa di hujung waktu usai solat isyak, 3 persoalan utama as a muslim.

1- dari mana kita datang
2- kemana kita akan pergi
3. untuk apa kita hidup?

saatnya aku merenung, akhirnya akhirat itu jua yang lebih baik dari kehidupan di dunia.

Dunia ni tempat sementara. Tiada yang kekal. Nafas yang ada, tiba masa akan ada penghujungnya. dapatkah diri menuju syurga yang diimpi? kadang2 rasa kerdil je.

bila terfikir tujuan hidup yang utama.
-untuk ibadah
-sebagai khalifah

tertimbul hasrat nak didik mujahid jadi khalifah. tugas itu pasti berat. kena didik diri dulu. nak anak sehebat Sultan Muhammad Al-Fateh, umminya mesti jauh lagi hebat.

wah. terjauhla pulak fikir.

Lately, I don't know why I always terserempak dengan blog-blog married student. + not only married but with kid. Seriously, I always admired and saluted them. Its will never be easy. But I believe those are one them surely believe in Him more than others.

as BELIEF can make a change and difference.

Wallahu'alam. He knows the best,

Yet, now it's time to change.
I'm almost turning 20!
Seriously just can't believe it.

Live this life lovely, committed, and responsible.

O Allah,
please always purify my heart and intention in anything I do.
Please strengthen my heart to live like what I supposed to
Dont let me far away from You
Dont let me astray from the sign that come from You

Make myself always conscious of You
Make myself a better person as I always want to
which is live this life the best I can to present to You

O Allah The Almighty

Let my heart always sincere for You
Show me the way to be close to You

You are the only one that I worship to