What I want to be ......

Disclaimer : This is a free writing. I wrote in non stop pace, trying to express what in my mind. Be prepared with the unorganized thoughts. You may find the ideas are jumping here and there. I only want to EXPRESS it and trying not to impress. Even so I love to express it but I have difficulty to make it CLEAR. This is more to my own self-reflection but still I loved to share it with others as i feel how important I'm able to express myself in this world. Fell free to add anything that reasonable. May you gain something benefit.

as my way back to my house from the very inspiring lecture that I just in, my heart keeps whispering and praying

aku nak jadi orang yang faham!

i want to be people of action not only people of word

i only want to please Allah my Lord not please people

by having His bless it is a pleasure

as for now, i want to change my attitude,

i want to become people that understand.

as what my father always told me to pray to Allah make me out from the darkness. and ask Allah to become people that understand.

why?

because people that understand has its own place among the people. it is an honour.

its not the honour that I chased for. but it has something or wise to say the advantage to help other people and make other people too understand and share the understanding. to share the knowledge on by people who understand it. to make other people understand we the first need to understand.

i want to do only things that important to me.

do something that important to you?

Whats that mean?

define what is important in my life is crucial.

How is it crucial?

what I learnt from my amazing day today, amazing people that I met, amazing event that went on,

'you cant be like malcolm X. there just people like that. they can sleep only for two hour. do what you can do. you dont need to think big to change the whole world. but you can make a change and play your role with people surround you maybe by joining the MSA and so on..'

its true. I can't be like other people. I need to be myself. I need to have my own identity. and at the moment I'm searching myself lately, which I always question people that I impressed (usually the speaker that I recently met in any even that I joined) , this is the question that I always asked.

"have u ever imagine when you are undergraduate, you will be like what you be today?"

i have gained different types of answer.

and other than that, today I learnt much about IDENTITY.

and now I realized that, I want to create my own identity. starting from this moment. I want to become someone that has the principle of myself, the morale that based on my faith, what I believe in and what differentiate me from others.

as the program of 'walk the talk', there was one session where the speaker asked about identity. How you expressed your social identity.

and become the first person that eager to share my identity.

my feeling at that time, I am very proud to say that the first thing to mentioned about my identity is my faith. I am a Muslim.

if you asked me about identity. that is my primary identity in regards of anything else.

and the speaker add much question to confirmed with my statement.

'so , is it by saying that your faith, something you believe is something that you always think and aware and that faith which always connected to yourself, for daily basis?"

and I said, YES, it is.

yup. that just me!

revealed the main question of identity,

'define who you are'

and in the lecture of malcolm X, which are fantastic and excellent lecture I ever heard. that I can't sleep over it. (a sign that I am fully aware and feel connected with everything that the speaker said), thinking about the role of myself in the society.

What is the place of society tht I play?

and kind of citizen am I?

what the principle that I hold?

do I understand all the principle that I need to hold?

these are the kind of reflections that makes me to become more critical person. Person of ACT not just a person of WORD.

expressing myself to my Lord, to the people surround me to the world.

Now i feel like, I have such important thing to do. There are so much things that I want to do, for the future of the people. not only my people.

again amazing that hard for me to expressed everything that I gained today. The only thing I can do, to share the precious and valuable experiences that I gained is by transformed all those understanding that I gained into ACTION.

ACT based on what I understand the importance of it.

when I'm pondering around the definition of important to myself. I have trouble in trying to identify which have higher importance or priority towards myself, and toward the people.

how can I feel something is very important to me, and something is not.

for example, between studying for exam that left over 3-4 days and went to the lecture that I know is talking something important. there always a decision making between realistic and idealistic.

I realized that I am such an idealist person. Indeed. sometimes I can't help with it. But there are benefit that I gained in becoming an idealist person. I'm not feel bad even so I feel I really need to work on to be more realistic from time to time. But like I said, I want to be myself. Myself that Allah has created that somehow I am idealist person and I know that thing is not something permanent which I can change it by effort. But still I want to acknowledge some of the advantage of becoming and idealist person and just be myself not trying to be like other people.

Act towards something based on what I believe, what I understand, what I feel it is something important.

Belief is another one thing that I would love to touch on, which is not most of people surround us believe like what we believe. understand like what we understand. have the ultimate same goal. therefore, the point that I want to make is, be yourself is something that you make your own decision for your own life. not for other people. the every decision that you want to make is something you think and you feel it is important to you, it is something that you are interested by not to worry what other people might think and feel of it. (even so I'm using 'you' but actually I refering you to myself)

indeed it is crucial to know that everything it is our choice that lies between all the decision. I have the choice to believe whether I will fail or I will succeed. and I also have the choice to act on it or not. I have the choice to believe in something that 'ideal' to be real. The choice is always mine. and the choice is always yours.

when come up with the amazing thought that I ever think for myself, and when I start to think for myself, in what area I want to work on, upgrading myself, to make this world a better place to live to the people. It sounds big. It sounds vague maybe. But from this big heart I want to do something that start for MYSELF. This thought, this words that I imagined that I'm talking to my ownself more that the intention to talk to other people.

The only thing I think of writing this and make it public, is to share what I gained the precious thing that I feel in my life at the moment. The rest is more about my own self reflection.

and also when talking about this, it is come from something that i'm inspired. I believe with inspiration, it creates like a piece of thought and a belief in mind towards what I want to believe. With this inspiration, I start to think about myself what I can do, what I need to do, what I really want to do in this life. Being inspired by people, and to inspired other people that what I always want to do since I'm in my school time. With that, I set that I want to make something important to me, and be inspired with it.

I wondering like how was Malcolm X can just sleep for two hours and he always think about people, pray for people, with books that always in his hand to gain knowledge?

I searching for the answer. Even so I'm not feel fully satisfied with the chaplain or the speaker's answer, but when I walked back to my house, I'm thinking. And guess the answer what ' What minds believe, the body can achieve'.

He believe that he can change the world, only by gain more knowledge, understand the people and so on, and then he try to act on it and achieve what he want and he feel he should achieved. and the body respond to what he believe in. Because he feel that the important to know over particular things for example, and seek the knowledge as much as he could, become someone that is knowledgeable, people that understand the context of the poeple then he can stood up among the people.

Now relate to myself. what is important to me?

I said to myself lately, in my action plan(when I was doing my Uoft Passport thingy), about what build the strength and to develop myself in area that I feel need improvement, I wrote and I said that I want to make this world a better place to live for the people. How? I need the specific knowledge that is required by the people. Knowledge to understand people and things that going on. also I need the skills that required me to interact with those people. and the moving on the next level of my thinking, whats the important to help other people or to make this place a better place to live?

Whats the importance and significance on everything that I need and want to do?

and that I relate that with my ultimate goal, which is to seek for HIs bless, and also to enter His paradise. How was that related? I'm looking on something that can give me the benefit. When to work on something, the first thing that I want to think ( I hope I can be consistent with this principle), is whether that thing can give me benefit or not. Whether I can benefit other people. I know that by being a knowldgeable person, it can be very beneficial to the world.

What I want to do?

A critical question.

I have the wish that I want to leave a LEGACY in this world. Instead of gain the pleasure, there are other thing that I want(but having His bless is the ultimate goal).

I want to be someone that leave legacy.

I want to be people that have influence in this world.

like who is almaududi, hasan albanna, malcolm x

someone that people can learn something from them

people of knowledge, people of understanding, people of faith.

through example.

people of example.

how important to be example to other people, if not at least to myself, as that one of the way people can learn something. people learn something that can be beneficial or they feel it is something that they can apply to their life.

I have the wish that I want when I died, there still people that talking about me. Talking about what I have did. There still something that people can learned about me even so I have died for a thousand of years.

Is that too ambitious?

I knew I'm not. To do something where other people can learn from you? that is critical. It must be people can learn a lesson.

A lesson doesnt means only the right thing I've done. But it could be not the right one but still it pay a lesson. But of course, I'm not hoping the bad thing in my life. But in case if the bad thing HAPPENED, a lesson to be learnt.

but the legacy starts with your ownself, what you did to other people, how you might influence other poeple. how to have the influence? by doing the right thing. stay in what you believe in the right thing to do. and how it can impact other people is only if something can change from the things that you do. where the action might have impact or not is not the main of our job. Just do it. I don't know how to express whats in my mind better than this. I know some of my thought, and my words hard to be understood. ( and even myself sometimes troublesome to understand my own structure sentences) but I know what I'm talking about to myself.

Why I share this thing? Is it important? Yes! It is important to me. Maybe what other people may thing it is not important but it is something important to me. Again it based on what we believe in. What others may not interested, I may interested. something really interesting to you, my not even something interesting to me.

Sharing this thought, sharing this feeling, sharing the reflection just kind of reminder to myself which I could at least sense that someone is witnessing, other than Him, (its not to say He not enought witnessing what in my heart but it is more to be more confidence from my inner side) to confirm the existence of this thought. plus, I hope by sharing also can makes people aware what is happening to the people that the other part of the world. Expressing myself is important and by sharing what I feel, what I gain is something important to me. Well that just me. =>

when I look back the insight that I gain recently, I learnt something about myself which I am people that somehow categorized in 'dolphine' type. which I feel happy and merrier when I can invite people join whath I feel and what I'm doing. Somehow a social person(keep in mind, still in the limit that I understood.. )Well,enough said about myself, at least, even so people that not really understand what I'm saying, what I hope is that people can gain the inspiration that I feel. People can sense it at least a bit from what I feel inspired with the inspiring people and inspiring thought in my mind. and this is the notes of my life that at least the bit of it that I can ever able to expressed. Expressing every amazing thoughts that I feel in my mind. Expressing the amazing feeling that I ever had at the moment. Indeed, putting together all the thoughts in the mind, is not as easy we may say ABC. Plus in a proper way. But here, I'm not thinking to be evaluated, to be judged. Again able to express it at least to myself for myself for my own reflection and reminder. All I want start from myself before other people.

I hope I am able to express all these into my action afterward. Its not only WORDS that I could express it but also action and reaction that I can express. All that I feel come from Him the ONE that always AMAZING and make me amazed and make my life wonderful make my day amazing in just a split second. I feel so great.Subhanallah. Alhamdulillah. Allahuakbar.

Again. I believe it can be realistic not just idealistic. The only thing that can make it real is myself. I want to make it real. I want to make the change. I want to become the leader. (at least for myself). and as for now, I want to be the people of ACTION.

People that are DOING it.

WIth my own belief, understanding, I want to create my own self-identity.

Insha Allah. With bismillah, I start my act to purify myself pysically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally. and ask Him to guide me to the right path.

-it just me that i cant resist and help myself from express what i feel.and it always have the long post which I always not realized it at the end of the post.-

AMeen.

9:58PM

27.01.10

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hoping that the inspiration will not stop to make me working and functioning as I supposed to

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**lg satu benda yg aku terpk n teringat something yg ayah ak pernah ckp. n jugak relate pasal malcolm X tu yg mungkin dia pun terpk jugak, is aku rasa dia mesti rasa, dunia ni bukan tempat untuk berehat. tapi dunia ni tempat untuk berkhidmat. tempat utk bekerja. thats why, dia hanya peruntukkan 2 jam utk tido je, sbb amik apa yg sbnr2nya perlu je. yg lain semua diinfaqkan utk bekerja.