Sabtu, Mac 31


hati aku semakin rapuh. 
jiwa semakin lemah.
langkah semakin lelah

sedih mengurung hati. 
semalam detik waktu yang telah pergi
hari ini kembali
mengulang silam jahiliyyah diri

sungguh aku benci
namun entah berapa kali
hati mencari
jalan keluar untuk semua ini

kerna cinta

rapuh dalam langkah
engkau yang setia
cinta dalam jiwa
kerana itu aku berbicara
walau mungkin mengundang luka
maafkan wahai hati
aku tidak sempurna
cinta itu mungkin belum hadir

ku harap
hati ini tidak rapuh

ku harap
diri ini dapat setia

bila hati tak sempurna
dalam dada
ku harap
diri-Mu yang bertakhta

kadang tak setia kepada-Mu
namun cinta dalam jiwa
ku harap hanyalah pada-Mu

hati ini tak sempurna mencintai-Mu
setulus hatiku

masjid toronto,
mac 31,2012

Jumaat, Mac 30

innocent eyes

I can't stand to look at his eyes
his red eyes 
that telling the story 
without a voice
but I may feel  strongly
the sorrow
the pain
the hurt

O Allah.
make me strong
make them strong.
Stay strong.
Hang on.
you almost there
We almost there.
Stay strong my brother.
Innallah ma'ana.
Allah is with us.


being diagnosed for Narcolepsy won't make any difference.
even so if being diagnosed as ADHD.
no matter what ever disorder you may have, 
prove yourself,
you can make difference.

to be weak is not an option.
even so to be strong is hard.

to give up is not an option. 
isn't you call yourself, everjihad, no?
come on la. takkan lembik sangat kot?
manja? euww


I don't wanna believe disability is a disability. fullstop.

Rabu, Mac 28

you are special

Special dedicated for ...

You make me feel special,
You make me feel new,
You make me feel loved,
With everything you do.

You hold me close when I am sad.
You wipe the tears from my heart
and always want me to feel better,
Every time we are together,
It always a good feeling I have

My heart light up when you my personal life
I smile cheerfully when we are together.
No matter how bad things are,
You always make them look better to me
I love the way you are
The way you hold my courage
I love the way you touch my senses,
I could be with you all night.
Just to inspire and to be inspired

I love the way you can make me laugh
For absolutely no reason at all.
I love how no matter what I do,
You will be there to catch me when I fall.

I just want you to know,
That even though your words might sound harsh,
I will always love you!
No matter what, day or night.
I am touched the way you show your love by care. 
I learn how should I care about myself before others will care about me.

this poem originally made by Amanda.S but modify by me.

vibrational reality

law of attraction.
vibrational reality manifest ..
care about present, not past and not also future.
present is future.
"our best work is to sue your resistance"
the problem in negative on how you performing, passionate, love, desire,
that are reasons that you feel so bad.
you have expectations too high on yourself.
it is your own, it is not theirs.
you are upset because you are not who you are
my perceptions and their perceptions ..
your perceptions might not relevant to your own perception
what really make you expand?
your success is off-base.

the best part of vortex is going in, which makes trouble makers important in exhilarating life
i completely looking forward to ignore your opinion for me to develop myself.
~ since thinking too much of other people's opinion make me stuck and not progressive~
going back in. if you don't come out you will miss the best part.

side note: 
it is pretty slightly different situation when others are not judging you but you  feels like people are judging. That feeling of anxiety are something that truly need help to be fixed. You may feel 'fine' and secure if your Lord is the judge. Since God's judgement will always be fair, but you can't guarantee people's judgment and perception. and being someone who has fear of 'perception' really something ain't cool. Which something that I hate to being back in that state of 'unfree'. But looking at the brighter side, 'stepping back' seems like a step in moving forward and having a better sense, and wisdom. Well, being "free" are just too abstract to think of and pretty subtle.. Nothing is free in this world. Only paradise we will be free.

p/s :you got to do what you got to do! It is never easy but there is price for every hardship and " it is not about how you start the race but it is how you end it." -

cause and effect

bit by bit, I learn the value and price that I have to pay for not applying or dis value over something.  Being completely aware in becoming an adult, shaping my thoughts, behavior, habits, attitudes and development truly experiences that are priceless. It is a great feeling to see yourself growing up just like a feeling in seeing a baby growing. From crawling to walking and running and jumping, etc.  Truly these experiences and being able to reflect and contemplate upon oneself in personal level and gaining wisdom from it are truly a great great blessing. Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal.  .


"Having somewhere to go is HOME,
having SOMEONE to love is FAMILY.
Having both is a blessing! 
 I am grateful to have and to know a person like her.
and I do not expect she is the person who really care about me. 
Truly it is a blessing.

Someone that show how much they care,
truly it is something priceless.

as a saying says,
“People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care”

Truly I am touched.

In a very hectic time where everyone busy with themselves, we will never know a person really care about us until they really prove that they really really care. Truly even the close one might fail in the test of proving and act upon it. It is not about being judgmental on who care about us, and who is not. But, it is something interesting to see who are real and true and who are not. Yet, this self-assessment give me some direction on who are 'filtered', who one that I knew for real and true. But it is not fair to 'pukul sama rata'. Well, it's not about them, it just about myself. Plus, I knew the basic thing, Allah is my caretaker. Allah care for me all the time. Isn't Allah is enough for me, when no one might not even care about myself, or even myself start on losing to have the sense to really care of myself. But indeed, Allah's love and mercy never stop on making me impress when I try to reflect and contemplate.

I am touched with people surround me, even so in a very hectic life, they still have the sense to show how much they really care me. The personal assessment are something interesting, useful and insighful. Now I knew for real, not many people really care about us. We might have thousands of friends and sisters, but specifically those that really truly care might be too little and can be count. This is not a disappointment since there is no point to be disappointment that just lead to another problem. Also, I have no right to judge anyone. I have to make good assumptions that their situation as well make them unable to care and need help. My point here, it is the time for me to be real and eliminate assumptions, and limit the expectations. Expect nothing from other people to avoid frustrations and disappointment in later time and expect the most from your own self. Even the one that seems very close to us, no guarantee will be the person that care so much about ourselves. It can be disappointing to see that to happen, but it is not practical to be disappointing by little things. It's not worth it. It just that right now, when I took a step back, having sometime for myself, that I knew and value the value of  being caring and sensitive towards people surround. It can be so hurt when the one that close to you might care but its not shown, the same as the reality in this world which something for us to think about. It is truly a hurt and painful feeling.  I don't care how much you know you should care but I care how much you really care. But questioning oneself, have I really show how much I care to other people? It is simple to pointing finger direct to our ownself since we knew we can change while other people can never be expected to change in a split second or in single night to behave the way  that we want them to behave. We just need to accept people the way they are. On the other side, there are people are suffering for hunger, injustice, oppressions, but how much we really SHOW our care? yes we might care, we might remember them in our prayer, but they might not know we are care enough until we do something to prove it. The same thing in my case and personal experience. This experience had motivates me on being more sensitive to care more about other people's feeling more than my own feeling since hurting someone and somebody will just give you a double hard feeling and it's like hurting and torturing your own body.
May Allah grant strength for my brothers and sisters who are suffering just because people surround him/her doesn't show how much they care.
 May Allah forgive me for not being being careful in my words, for not being careful in my act and for not caring about others more than myself and care about this deen more than anything else!

a take home message from the GPS talk,
  say, "I Love you!"
it's not what, 
it's not when
it's not where
I love you the way you are.

deep self-contemplation


alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. tsumma alhamdulillah. allahu akbar. subhanallah.

 credit: SNF

agak terkesan dengan pengisian jiwa petang tadi. truly truly truly what I really need. masha Allah. 
setiap butir bicara muwajih, sangat terkesan di hati. setiap patah yang keluar dari mulut mereka ibarat emas malah jauh lagi bernilai. kerna aku tau, jauh dari sudut hati mereka, setiap patah itu adalah terlalu bernilai. setiap detik mereka di saat itu, satu harapan kepada para pemuda, generasi harapan ummah, setiap patah itu nilainya ibarat nyawa mereka. kerana nafas mereka setiap denyut memikirkan hal ummah, memikirkan Allah, memikirkan how islam to survive and continue to spread over the entire world.

masha Allah. subhanallah. allahu akbar.

hanya pada Allah ku panjat syukur, memilih aku untuk berada di sesi itu. mendengar mesej 'utusan Allah' truly buat aku terkedu. betapa Allah menegur aku dengan penuh kasih sayang walaupun mungkin aku sangat2 misbehave lately, walaupun aku sangat2 annoying, walaupun ada masa aku tak sengaja 'terlupa' Allah ada dengan aku.. dimana tindakan aku ibarat Allah tu tak wujud pun, or His existence that I forget to acknowledge.

thinking it back.. having self-reflection, self-analysis,

no wonder i'm stuck. 
no wonder aku tak progress much.
no wonder aku sangat lah slow.

walhal, aku mcm dah tau semua benda.
walhal aku dah tau apa kena buat
walhal aku memang dah boleh agak macam2..

tapi memang benarlah, hakikat insan tetap manusia lemah. 
hakikat seorang hamba, itu lemah. 

kekuatan hanya dari Dia.
benar-benar dari Dia.

sejak beberapa hari yang lalu aku memulakan kembara mencari diri, memulakan kembara menghilang diri, dan aku tidak pasti entah bila kembara ini bakal berakhir lagi.

minggu yang cukup mencabar.
tekanan emosi, tekanan perasaan, jiwa cukup menghuru hara, mengacaubilaukan dan mengharubirukan hidup aku.

dan terlalu banyak perkara yang bila dimuhasabah kembali,
terlalu banyak yang perlu aku perbaiki.

it's good to muhasabah.
it's good to have a feeling that you need to change yourself of others.
what is not good, when yourself easily start overwhelmed with so many things you wanna do.
up to the level that, it makes you stuck and ends up not going anywhere.

n this busy and hectic life I truly can appreciate to have solah time. truly from my heart that I realize the value how amazingly offering 2 rakaát prayer can completely give you energy and change your emotion, mental state to a spiritual that leads your mind and soul to a better condition.

masha Allah. it is so powerful. but sometimes it's pretty sad when you yourself don't feel the 'need' until someone has to remind and said to you, ''go and offer 2 rakat", "say bismillah and start". walhal that is something like 'basic' thing. which supposedly that is ''common sense'' as for being muttaqin.

relationship with Allah will connect you with everything you do.
you will not easily get lost, and feel screw up because you having faith in Allah that, everything is good and will be fine as long you are with Allah.

nampak sangat hubungan dengan Allah problematic no wonder sangat sangat senang terasa hati dengan orang, and come up all other issues that lead up to depression, stress, and other emotional state.

walhal, the roots dia just not truly serious taking care your relationship with Allah.

reflecting back, yes, inilah padahnya.
when you are too much into dunia, and losing focus on why you doing everything.
when you forget to reset and refresh your real intention and main purpose in completing one task.

yes, it is not just about completing a task.
tapi a task that need to be completed with fully ihsan.

quality of the work.

the thing is that, as I said, I a person that easily get overwhelmed, easily get distracted. Alhamdulillah, Allah grant me strength on stay away from my main distraction ~facebook~. I thank Allah for giving this moment that I don't feel the need of çhecking my facebook. But it just enough for me to share what interest me. Thats all. Without bothering what people comments, or whats going on to other people's life.

I'm busying myself with making myself busy with something that I knew I should busy about it.
yeah accomplishing assignments. One is overdue due to many reasons.

Sometimes, when losing direction, and my faith is shaking, and feeling a loser, truly not let me become any better. and deep inside I knew, this is the race, this is a climb. Either you wanna jump and give up or keep to survive and keep going. Just keep going. No matter what is in the past, you have no time to regret or even think about it at this moment. Time is too precious for you to waste. And the reason I'm writing all this, is a form of expression in letting my mind to burst and my heart to expand and breathe. Truly intense moment and writing about your feeling sometimes just make you feeling better.There are time where I really feel (like right now) I don't feel I wanna talk. A period of avoiding people. I can smile to you, but I don't wanna talk to you. Even so it looks like I seem so problematic, but I won't insist on talking about problems. Sometimes I might do need to talk about problems but sometimes, I don't feel like it since I already knew all the solutions. All the answers to that problem already in my head but might not yet in my heart which I have to gain strength in making the step towards solution.

Life getting more intense, harder and critical.
Yet, it is up to do decide.

May Allah's mercy always with us. Aameen.

March 28, 2012
Robarts Library.

Isnin, Mac 26



kalau dulu aku berkata pada diriku

'ko takde masa nak breakdown. keje banyak'

kalau dulu,
bila aku breakdown, aku akan menghilang.
aku akan ignore semua benda.
aku akan ignore orang-orang sekeliling aku dan cuba buat hal aku.

menghilang aku kini barangkali berbeza.
aku tak mampu untuk duduk, berdiri dan hanya sekadar buat 'hal aku'.
kerana hal mereka jua sudah terdarah daging menjadi hal aku.

menghilang aku kini,
masa aku bermuhasabah.
mencari apa yang hilang,
meneliti apa yang kurang,
memerhati apa itu tenang.
memahami apa itu sayang

kerna aku sudah di tahap berbeza
jahiliyyah aku kini jua sudah berbeza
semakin 'jauh' di jalan ini
jahiliyyah yang menjengah juga semakin 'hebat'.

semakin laju
semakin hilang kawalan
dan kadang kala mungkin terlupa
breknya dimana

ibarat memandu kereta
punya stereng dan gear
punya break dibawahnya

memacu kenderaan ini semakin laju
semakin mudah terbabas
semakin mudah 'sway'
dengan angin taufan yang melanda
kereta mana yang mungkin mampu bertahan?

either kereta itu ciptaan unggul itu
masih mampu beraksi dijalanan

buatan manusia yang penuh teliti
binaan yang dicipta untuk bertahan
dengan ribut taufan

atau kereta itu akan berpusing-pusing
mengalami kecelakaan dan mencederakan

Allahu musta'an.



We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee ~~

The kind of person you want to become is greatly influence by your inner decisions, and not from outside influence alone. We can even under adverse circumstances, decide what shall become of us ~ Brian C. Stiller

Ahad, Mac 25

"I hate myself"

 bismillah ..

Disclaimer : This post is emotional. Not purposely or intentionally but this post is just a personal expression.  This is just the other side in me.

Am I in depression? maybe.
Am I stress? I would say yes.
Am I overwhelmed? Obviously.

Today is the day when I start to say "I hate myself". I start to list all the bad things of myself. I'm not good enough. Never good enough. I speak my minds and I can shoot people with all my words and it can be harsh. Really harsh since I'm harsh on myself. I need to learn to calm down. When I hurt people, that people is not hurt as I do. I hurt more since I hate to feel hurt and to hurt is not something cool and it's not fun. Sometimes it can be  fun but  in real, it's not. However, this all happen when I start to feel, " I can't stand anymore." The limit is there. You had reach the limit I have.  Truly now I'm exploding.

When I when home, I feel so stress. I freak out. I hate that home I don't know why. A home for me, not anymore a home. It's not sweet. It is bitter. I feel stress when I meet those people. Or maybe it's not about home or those people. It just me.

I came to realize, I'm trying to understand myself better and sometimes there something I unable to control. I get easily emotional due to the fact that I'm in stress. I'm not used to be in this state of emotion. When I was in high school I never would consider a problem is a problem, and never would declare and consider a stress is really a stress. I usually can handle and cope in a very high pressure situation. I'm used to it.

But at this moment, truly it is a hard test. I can easily swayed by emotion. I can easily affected by how people react towards me and it's hard to control emotion especially anger. Truly being tested on patience.

I became a person that hyper sensitive. As the time goes by, truly I easily feel hurt and offended. I don't know why. I became hyper and hyper the way I behave, the radical thoughts in my mind seems going to explode plus with brutal emotion. I get hypersensitive especially when something goes wrong, I can easily see and point out other people's fault. Truly words. I can continuously shoot my words to people that I truly care and get easily disappointed as well.

The problem with this, I need space to look back at all those radical thoughts and acts.

Am I expecting too much for myself? Maybe. The problem arise when I'm having high expectations on others as well which I am stuck in lower down the expectations. I have a lot of reasons for expectations that automatically being set in my mind, but unfortunately I have difficulties for make it lower.

Before, I'm not used to give up in anything I do. But now, I can easily feel, "maybe I should just give up" due to the fact that I don't see there is a hope anymore and should I still put a hope when it seems like my efforts are useless. Useless in the sense of not seeing till 'at the end'.

At some point in my life, there something good that people see, but truly I'm not as good as they think I am. It is good to think good of other people rather than ill thoughts, but things are not always as what people see it is.

Seek to understand to be understood.

Usually the problem is that, I seek to be understood rather than I try to understand people. Maybe, I try with those that I don't really used to. But at this moment, I could not see way to understand someone without that someone show me how should I understand.

I could not stand with passive people. Truly I cannot live with it. I can't stand/sit still.

 I maybe had ruined a lot of good things in my life. I've let many opportunities pass by. I've kept quiet when I should have spoken up, I've spoken up when I should have kept quiet. I've let people walk all over me. I demonstrate no self discipline whatsoever. I've done horrible things. I hate some of the decisions I've made in my life, but I can't really say that I hate myself for it.

But to hate everything about yourself is not constructive and productive. I hate for all the jahiliyyah and evil inside me. Truly I hate it. That is the first thought came to my mind. How I hate to easily anger and speak out my minds without have some thoughts on it before utter to somebody else.

I need to learn patience.
I need to learn  being more considerate.

Sometimes the way I show care might not the best. I might care for something else, but something else is missing. Caring seems pretty tricky. Caring for feelings too much might not satisfying and some feeling can be really depressing. 

I knew these all are craps without any act.
The evil in myself is hard to predict.
It is all up for me to decide.

Allahu musta'an.

Khamis, Mac 8

of fikremo


moga coretan ini muhasabah bagi diri sendiri. pantulan iman di dada. iman yang mungkin sedang koyak rabah, terbelah-belah menanti retak.

berat. yes. sangat berat. dalam banyak-banyak ujian, memang ujian yang satu ni aku belum lepas-lepas.

Sekiranya anda memilih untuk teguh dan tetap dalam menempuhi jalan yang panjang dan sukar ini ketahuilah bahawa kemenangan akan tiba. Ia tetap akan tiba sama ada anda memilih untuk bersama atau tidak. Mohonlah pertolongan dengan sabar dan solat.

tak tau nak mula dari mana. celaru. serabut. kusut. sedih? malas? penat. give up? ignore. I don't know what might be the best to desribe but Allah know better than myself and better than anyone else.

at one point, engkau semakin laju di jalan ini. semakin bersemangat kobar membara, bagai terasa at the top of the world,  ada masa iman seakan terasa melimpah-limpah, membuak-buak sehingga orang lain turut merasai tempiasnya. engkau bermati-matian untuk-Nya, rasa sanggup korbankan apa saja untuk mencapai apa yang kau impi, dan Allah beri apa yang engkau impi lebih dari apa yang engkau sangka.

namun dalam keributan dan kehangatan, dalam ke'exicited' an, engkau terlupa sesuatu yang maha penting. evaluasi di hujung hari dengan hati penuh tawadhuk, menyungkurkan diri pada-Nya dengan serendah-rendah hati, dengan MENGUNGKIT, dan membentang segala kelemahan yang kau ada dan mengharap segala khilaf dan kekurangan itu Tuhan rahsiakan dari pengetahuan manusia.

sebut mengenai ungkit, andai engkau diberi peluang untuk mengungkit segala silap dan salah manusia, pasti engkau boleh senaraikan, paling kurang 10 perkara dalam masa 10 saat. kerana apa? kerana engkau fikir dan memandang rendah pada mereka yang tidak menggunakan kelebihan yang ada seperti engkau. walhal, siapa engkau untuk memandang rendah pada hamba ciptaan Tuhan? padahal, kefahaman, kesedaran, kelebihan, peluang, kekuatan yang Allah beri itu semua jua dari Allah.

mengapa engkau memandang rendah pada mereka yang SLOW?
memandang rendah pada mereka yang KURANG MATANG?
memandang rendah pada mereka yang MANJA?

walhal, engkau suatu ketika dahulu sama je seperti mereka. cuma pada waktu dan ketika ini, engkau berada di roda atas dan mereka berada di roda bawah. padahal suatu ketika dulu, engkau pun LEMBAB je kot. lebih lambat kering dari siput.

it is so so easy to blame others. in fact you knew deep in your heart, it's your fault and all you have to do just to ADMIT and APOLOGIZE. being HUMBLE and not ARROGANT.

it is always EASIER to say it than done. in practical way, in REALITY, it is really hard.
BUT, it is not hard if you have a STRONG IMAN inside.

only with IMAN can win over everything.  only IMAN.

so any probs in life, you knew, the main problem is not about others, its not about miscommunication, its not about tak reti nak pujuk but it just the problem with your iman.

setel iman, setel everything.

sounds easy, ay?

I wish it is easy. But truly, nak meruntuhkan EGO, bukan mudah. EGO like a castle that have been built by the setan for how many years. tetiba ingat sesenang hati ke nak runtuhkan dia dgn cuba nak tolak guna satu jari je? IMPOSSIBLE! Unless la 1 jari tu kekuatan dia like 1000 jari yang bisa menumbangkan istana EGO binaan syaitan laknatullah.

kerana EGO, iblis, syaitan seangkatan tak mo sujud kat nabi adam a.s. kamu masih ingat kisah itu? termaktub dalam kitab suci alquran.

kerana EGO, iblis dihumban ke adalam api neraka jahannam

kerana EGO jualah, iblis memendam rasa untuk menghasut anak-anak cucu nabi adam untuk turut sama bersama dia di neraka di akhirat kelak. nauzubillah!

NOW, if ikut EMO, sangat senang je nak ikut jejak langkah iblis tu. It is so easy. HOW? tak perlu usaha susah payah nak runtuhkan EGO tu. abaikan je orang-orang yang merungsingkan, menyerabutkan, yang buat rasa menyampah. it is easy. Just IGNORE them.

and EGO kamu bukan sembarangan EGO.
malahan lebih hebat bila syaitan sendiri membisik dalil-dalil yang menyokong kenapa kamu perlu ego? atas ALASAN apa EGO itu perlu dipertahankan?

itulah bahayanya bilamana kita kononnya kelihatan semakin FAHAM islam, sehingga nampak 'hebat' pada mata manusia lain, menyampaikan pelbagai fikrah, walhal bila sendiri diuji, apakah kita memilih islam atau jahiliyyah? memilih emosi atau fikrah?

sukar.. suatu pilihan yang sukar..
namun jalannya terbentang luas dan jelas. kamu tahu, pilihan yang ada sentiasa DUA.

kalau kamu mahu memilih jalan yang satu, walau tidak secara obviousnya kelihatan 'jahiliyyah', atau jahiliyyahnya tersembunyi, boleh saja. namun apa kesannya? apa implikasinya?

kalau memilih yang satu lagi, yang sungguh tak enak dengan nafsu, yang sungguh sungguh berat dan berlawanan dengan nafsu, pasti itulah KEBENARAN. pasti itulah al-Haq.

Ignoring is easier than dealing with it.

at some point, you can create 1001 excuses just to justify your 'good' actions. But you know by heart, that are just dalih/ excuses for you to escape from the reality. It is for you to escape from the hardships and difficulties.

kalau nak senang, memang boleh.
kalau nak susah, pun boleh sangat

nak senang, tak payah fikir banyak2, tak payah susah2, lupakan je.

pengukuhan alasan : banyak lagi keje nak kene buat. aku takde masa nak layan benda2 kecik camni.

itu emo.

kalau secara fikrahnya,
- setiap ujian yang Allah beri, pasti ada tarbiyyahnya. menguji iman. apakah kita akan cuba LARI atau kita cuba bertahan dan HADAPI dengan iman di dada?
- apa benda yang kecik pada pandangan kita, mungkin sangatlah besar pada pandangan Dia? so what ur say? tak takut ke? if things that you thought KECIK, asbab masuk neraka? nauzubillah.

kalau nak susah, memang boleh.. tapii

alasan : saya tak reti laa nak pujuk2 ni. that is just not me. sorry sikit..

kalau betul ada fikrah,
- ye la mmg la awak tak reti. tapi doesnt mean it is impossible. and of course to change is never easy. tapi you know, to be and to stay in this track, kena jugak BERUBAH kan? walaupun pahit. walaupun sengal. tapi tetap kena jugak berubah no matter what. mmg la berat. tapi sampai bila awak nak kasi alasan berat, tak reti nak buat, penat etc.. benda2 tu sume nafsu je yang sangat selesa untuk kasi alasan demi alasan so taht awak tak perlu berusaha n bekerja.


at one point in your life, you may feel, didn't what I do is enough? and you kinda expecting something in return. and of course with rational mind and 'rational' iman, one may sense, nampak sangat belum betul ikhlas. hati belum betul submit that everything you give for Allah, you cant expect in return. I mean if you truly wanna be the excellent hamba that will have the peace of mind forever. you are are content either there is return or not. You give something without expecting anything.

and talking about expectations, that kinda hard for me.
But still, saying things hard can no longer be excuse. since you know, Allah had promised that He only give something that bearable. so anything He give, you need to TRUST that it is something that is doable. If not, you have spoil your trust in Allah.

and of course there must be reason kenapa Allah make you feel berat, heavy, hard..
sebabnya hanya satu. He wants you to go back to Him, and beg Him for strength, His mercy.
since that are one of main reason lah He create you in this world.As hamba 51:56 and khalifah 2:30.

Whats the point creating an object but the creator not being the subject of the object?
It just like if you invent a robot, but at the end of the day, that robot ikut kepala sendiri, tak nak going back to you when he has problems, when he is in low battery (which should be recharged by meeting you as the inventor), how you might feel?

If me, aku rasa macam nak bako je robot camtu. robot yang tak sedar diri untuk apa dia diciptakan. Like, I create you for my own pleasure, so if you don't meet my purpose, what for I still want and need to keep you? Useless.

But thennn.. Allah xde la jenis emo camtu kot. Allah baik. tak macam kita or at least of kos tak macam aku, kan? Allah super duper mercy, penyayang, penyantun, penyabo, takde nak terus2 emo n marah2. but then ade la jugak pada waktu dan ketika tuh kalau dah melampau benooo ,, mmg Allah smack down je kasi penampo. mula2 mungkin sindiri2 dulu.. dengan harapan berfikir la sikit, ingat n sedarlah diri sikit.. tapi if jenis mmg tak paham bahasa, kalau sound pun mmg dah tak jalan, Allah turunkan je la bala, dgn harapan, kembali lah.. marahlah.. dah kasi kitab, dah kasi buku, tapi tak baca, baca, tapi tak paham, paham tapi tak buat.. bajet nak baik sorang2, hidup sorang2 tak hirau orang lain yang still mencari2 dalam kegelapan. awak yang Allah dah kasi cahaya tu, dok simpan n pegang je cahaya tu sorang2, takde nak sibuk share ke or at least merasakan cahaya tu satu pemberian Tuhan yang termahal, yang tak mungkin hanya untuk suka-suka, dan takde tujuan n makna..

anyway, cukuplah sekadar ini dulu coretan random dari hati untuk hati yang mencari-cari secebis kekuatan dan secebis iman.

moga Allah mengurniakan aku kekuatan untuk bermujahadah di medan nafsu. Aameen.

Allahu musta'an.

Robarts Library
4:40 AM
March 8, 2012.

Rabu, Mac 7


this song, I specially dedicated to my beloved circle of adik-adik in dnt  saya .. =)

may Allah make our love for DnT stronger and stronger. uhibbukunna fillah!

p/s: I prefer to have this song in acapella rather than with the music instrument.