"I hate myself"

 bismillah ..

Disclaimer : This post is emotional. Not purposely or intentionally but this post is just a personal expression.  This is just the other side in me.

Am I in depression? maybe.
Am I stress? I would say yes.
Am I overwhelmed? Obviously.

Today is the day when I start to say "I hate myself". I start to list all the bad things of myself. I'm not good enough. Never good enough. I speak my minds and I can shoot people with all my words and it can be harsh. Really harsh since I'm harsh on myself. I need to learn to calm down. When I hurt people, that people is not hurt as I do. I hurt more since I hate to feel hurt and to hurt is not something cool and it's not fun. Sometimes it can be  fun but  in real, it's not. However, this all happen when I start to feel, " I can't stand anymore." The limit is there. You had reach the limit I have.  Truly now I'm exploding.

When I when home, I feel so stress. I freak out. I hate that home I don't know why. A home for me, not anymore a home. It's not sweet. It is bitter. I feel stress when I meet those people. Or maybe it's not about home or those people. It just me.

I came to realize, I'm trying to understand myself better and sometimes there something I unable to control. I get easily emotional due to the fact that I'm in stress. I'm not used to be in this state of emotion. When I was in high school I never would consider a problem is a problem, and never would declare and consider a stress is really a stress. I usually can handle and cope in a very high pressure situation. I'm used to it.

But at this moment, truly it is a hard test. I can easily swayed by emotion. I can easily affected by how people react towards me and it's hard to control emotion especially anger. Truly being tested on patience.


I became a person that hyper sensitive. As the time goes by, truly I easily feel hurt and offended. I don't know why. I became hyper and hyper the way I behave, the radical thoughts in my mind seems going to explode plus with brutal emotion. I get hypersensitive especially when something goes wrong, I can easily see and point out other people's fault. Truly words. I can continuously shoot my words to people that I truly care and get easily disappointed as well.

The problem with this, I need space to look back at all those radical thoughts and acts.

Am I expecting too much for myself? Maybe. The problem arise when I'm having high expectations on others as well which I am stuck in lower down the expectations. I have a lot of reasons for expectations that automatically being set in my mind, but unfortunately I have difficulties for make it lower.

Before, I'm not used to give up in anything I do. But now, I can easily feel, "maybe I should just give up" due to the fact that I don't see there is a hope anymore and should I still put a hope when it seems like my efforts are useless. Useless in the sense of not seeing till 'at the end'.

At some point in my life, there something good that people see, but truly I'm not as good as they think I am. It is good to think good of other people rather than ill thoughts, but things are not always as what people see it is.

Seek to understand to be understood.

Usually the problem is that, I seek to be understood rather than I try to understand people. Maybe, I try with those that I don't really used to. But at this moment, I could not see way to understand someone without that someone show me how should I understand.

I could not stand with passive people. Truly I cannot live with it. I can't stand/sit still.

 I maybe had ruined a lot of good things in my life. I've let many opportunities pass by. I've kept quiet when I should have spoken up, I've spoken up when I should have kept quiet. I've let people walk all over me. I demonstrate no self discipline whatsoever. I've done horrible things. I hate some of the decisions I've made in my life, but I can't really say that I hate myself for it.

But to hate everything about yourself is not constructive and productive. I hate for all the jahiliyyah and evil inside me. Truly I hate it. That is the first thought came to my mind. How I hate to easily anger and speak out my minds without have some thoughts on it before utter to somebody else.

I need to learn patience.
I need to learn  being more considerate.

Sometimes the way I show care might not the best. I might care for something else, but something else is missing. Caring seems pretty tricky. Caring for feelings too much might not satisfying and some feeling can be really depressing. 


I knew these all are craps without any act.
The evil in myself is hard to predict.
It is all up for me to decide.


Allahu musta'an.