Rabu, Mac 28

deep self-contemplation


alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. alhamdulillah. tsumma alhamdulillah. allahu akbar. subhanallah.

 credit: SNF

agak terkesan dengan pengisian jiwa petang tadi. truly truly truly what I really need. masha Allah. 
setiap butir bicara muwajih, sangat terkesan di hati. setiap patah yang keluar dari mulut mereka ibarat emas malah jauh lagi bernilai. kerna aku tau, jauh dari sudut hati mereka, setiap patah itu adalah terlalu bernilai. setiap detik mereka di saat itu, satu harapan kepada para pemuda, generasi harapan ummah, setiap patah itu nilainya ibarat nyawa mereka. kerana nafas mereka setiap denyut memikirkan hal ummah, memikirkan Allah, memikirkan how islam to survive and continue to spread over the entire world.

masha Allah. subhanallah. allahu akbar.

hanya pada Allah ku panjat syukur, memilih aku untuk berada di sesi itu. mendengar mesej 'utusan Allah' truly buat aku terkedu. betapa Allah menegur aku dengan penuh kasih sayang walaupun mungkin aku sangat2 misbehave lately, walaupun aku sangat2 annoying, walaupun ada masa aku tak sengaja 'terlupa' Allah ada dengan aku.. dimana tindakan aku ibarat Allah tu tak wujud pun, or His existence that I forget to acknowledge.

thinking it back.. having self-reflection, self-analysis,

no wonder i'm stuck. 
no wonder aku tak progress much.
no wonder aku sangat lah slow.

walhal, aku mcm dah tau semua benda.
walhal aku dah tau apa kena buat
walhal aku memang dah boleh agak macam2..

tapi memang benarlah, hakikat insan tetap manusia lemah. 
hakikat seorang hamba, itu lemah. 

kekuatan hanya dari Dia.
benar-benar dari Dia.

sejak beberapa hari yang lalu aku memulakan kembara mencari diri, memulakan kembara menghilang diri, dan aku tidak pasti entah bila kembara ini bakal berakhir lagi.

minggu yang cukup mencabar.
tekanan emosi, tekanan perasaan, jiwa cukup menghuru hara, mengacaubilaukan dan mengharubirukan hidup aku.

dan terlalu banyak perkara yang bila dimuhasabah kembali,
terlalu banyak yang perlu aku perbaiki.

it's good to muhasabah.
it's good to have a feeling that you need to change yourself of others.
what is not good, when yourself easily start overwhelmed with so many things you wanna do.
up to the level that, it makes you stuck and ends up not going anywhere.

n this busy and hectic life I truly can appreciate to have solah time. truly from my heart that I realize the value how amazingly offering 2 rakaát prayer can completely give you energy and change your emotion, mental state to a spiritual that leads your mind and soul to a better condition.

masha Allah. it is so powerful. but sometimes it's pretty sad when you yourself don't feel the 'need' until someone has to remind and said to you, ''go and offer 2 rakat", "say bismillah and start". walhal that is something like 'basic' thing. which supposedly that is ''common sense'' as for being muttaqin.

relationship with Allah will connect you with everything you do.
you will not easily get lost, and feel screw up because you having faith in Allah that, everything is good and will be fine as long you are with Allah.

nampak sangat hubungan dengan Allah problematic no wonder sangat sangat senang terasa hati dengan orang, and come up all other issues that lead up to depression, stress, and other emotional state.

walhal, the roots dia just not truly serious taking care your relationship with Allah.

reflecting back, yes, inilah padahnya.
when you are too much into dunia, and losing focus on why you doing everything.
when you forget to reset and refresh your real intention and main purpose in completing one task.

yes, it is not just about completing a task.
tapi a task that need to be completed with fully ihsan.

quality of the work.

the thing is that, as I said, I a person that easily get overwhelmed, easily get distracted. Alhamdulillah, Allah grant me strength on stay away from my main distraction ~facebook~. I thank Allah for giving this moment that I don't feel the need of çhecking my facebook. But it just enough for me to share what interest me. Thats all. Without bothering what people comments, or whats going on to other people's life.

I'm busying myself with making myself busy with something that I knew I should busy about it.
yeah accomplishing assignments. One is overdue due to many reasons.

Sometimes, when losing direction, and my faith is shaking, and feeling a loser, truly not let me become any better. and deep inside I knew, this is the race, this is a climb. Either you wanna jump and give up or keep to survive and keep going. Just keep going. No matter what is in the past, you have no time to regret or even think about it at this moment. Time is too precious for you to waste. And the reason I'm writing all this, is a form of expression in letting my mind to burst and my heart to expand and breathe. Truly intense moment and writing about your feeling sometimes just make you feeling better.There are time where I really feel (like right now) I don't feel I wanna talk. A period of avoiding people. I can smile to you, but I don't wanna talk to you. Even so it looks like I seem so problematic, but I won't insist on talking about problems. Sometimes I might do need to talk about problems but sometimes, I don't feel like it since I already knew all the solutions. All the answers to that problem already in my head but might not yet in my heart which I have to gain strength in making the step towards solution.

Life getting more intense, harder and critical.
Yet, it is up to do decide.

May Allah's mercy always with us. Aameen.

March 28, 2012
Robarts Library.

Tiada ulasan: