of curhat niqab vs mama

*disclaimer,

ini adalah blog. personal. jgn expect ejaan sume betul. sy takde masa nak cek ejaan saya. n jgn expect bahasa sy sume sedap2. sbb sy takde masa nak pikir bahasa sy ni betul ke tak. tapi saya menulis dari hati. so in away, yeah..i would just wanna say.. DON'T JUDGE ME. oh tapii kaalu nak judge jugak, silakanlahh. heh

but before nak judge tu, I would suggest you to watch vlog org yg semakin meletup skrg ni..

(kalau tak watch tu.. rugi arr.. i would say ketinggalan zaman!)

oh kejap lagi satu, JGN EXPECT, i would be so ORGANIZED. acceptlah sy as saya, as what it is. n i knew there will be so many RANDOM below. tak ikut kronologi. and saya takde masa nak edit n ikutkan kronologi, susun thoughts sume. to me,  right now, i have much muchmore important things to do dri keje remeh tu. kalau nak organize jgk, akan makan msa. n masa sy dah cukup limited dah.. nak mandi, studi lagi, gosok gigi... so in away.. just bear with me la ye. i dont want myself to feel like..sbb rase mcm kene meet expectation org(which I assume they hv expectation), then that stop me from sharing what I feel and what I belief which is important.  saya nak sampaikan apa yg saya rasa penting, tapi kalau org lain tak rase penting, takpe je. tak kisah pun. itu awak. saye, saye lakan? hohoho

anything it is. Allahu 'alam. Allah know the best. and to Him, I put my trust.

oh ya. again. ni personal belief je kot. tak pakse sesape nak ikot pon. kalau TERasa inspired tuh, anggaplah tu HIDAYAH dari Allah. aku ni takde ape pon. hamba dhoif je sebenarnya. so jgn pandang tinggi2 sgt ye. I'm still human. not malaikat. buat mistakes jugak. same je mcm korang2 nii.. takde beza. still anak adam.

sebenarnye nak cerita mcm2 about my story. tapi just that I need to learn how to organize myself better. as for now, I want to do a lot of things... but then.. kena pandai manage, handle, dgn studinya, rumah, take care of diri sendiri jgk..dont  asyik ingat org lain je smp terlupa diri sendiri (seperti pelempang yg Allah kasi dlm quran..) < yang jugak ayat ni abah selalu dok sound and marah kat aku. huhu

pluss ayat ni baru je tadabbur haritu dalam usrah .. lagi laa rase mcm ape je..

Allah melempang dengan lembutnye, Allah cakap, (ini cara aku paham ayat ni)

"ko ni jgn pk nak ajak orang buat baik je, tapi ko terlupa diri sendiri padahal aku dah kasi kat ko manual hidup kot. takkan tu pun tak dapat pikir?"

or in away..
oii aku dah kasi ko otak, akal tu.. gune ar..

bak kate nabil,
lu pikir la sendirii..!

below is luahan hati yg betul2 deep deep down from my heart. ambiklah apa yang baik, yang buruk tu jadikan sempadan. sama2 kita perbaiki diri. I'm not perfect. I'm still human. have sin, buat salah. tapi nak je belajar ape yg salah. Allahu 'alam.

baiklah. dengan nama Allah yang maha pengasih n pemurah..

bismillah

detik hati..

susahnyeeee..
bila mak sendiri tak happy dgn kite..
hu
kite bukan nak buat benda tak baik punn
baik je
tapi tatau nape mak kite mcm tak suke
tapi faham je kot nape dia tak suke
=(
but thennnn
kite pun tak dapat nak paksa diri kite ikut mak kite..
susahhhhhh.. i knew that i need to obey parents
that is obligation.
but in this case.. bkn la pasal benda wajib or pasal akidah pun..(err..ye ke bkn?)
yes. it just sunnah. but then.. i don't understand why I cannot do it?
faham je mama risau.
dah la anak bongsu. sorang pulak tu kat oversea. kang kene attack ke ape camnerr(nauzubillah)
tapii

faham sgt kerisauan mama tu. ish bkn tak paham. tapiii nak buat jugakk.. heh aiyoo..
sori mama. kite kan mmg budak degil dari kecik. mungkin mmg Allah dah cipta kite sebegitu rupa kot? - err apakah ini alasan? eh tapi mmg betul la. only u know how stubborn am I. only u know if I determined in doing something, I will do it. Remember when I was in high school, giler determine nak amik gak bahasa arab time SPM even takde cikgu nak ajar sampai siap kene cari cikgu sendiri etc.. and I still can remember until mama sound, 'takyahlah amik kalau dah payah sgt..'. I knew mama bukan tak bagi, tapi just tak encourage/support je. oh well.. I don't listen. 'pekak'kan telinga, nak buat jugak. because to me, arabic is very important that I couldn't leave it. tak kisah ar mama kata ape, but I still stubborn in my own way..

and yeah. sometimes, I feel so so bad. ya Allah. only Allah knows.. sometimes, when you said to me, "adik.. you never listen". T_T you know what, that really crush my heart.. hu.. tatau nak describe tapi rasa sgt2 sedih.. ma.. I just wish you understand me better. there must be reason why ur little stubborn daughter cannot listen to you. hu. but in the same time, I admit that I'm still immature and when I start to get matured day by day, I have more wisdom in me. and I change my mind, to try understand my mum better. instead of blaming her, that she never understand me but I told myself,"hurm.maybe I'm the one that NEVER understand her"

mama mestilah kenal dgn anak mama kann. lahir dari perut mama kott. but somehow i dunno ..
everyday kdg2 kite rasa evilnye.. mama tak support pakai purdah. tapi kite pakai jugak. smp at one time, kite rase mcm.. hu.. what is the meaning I'm wearing it? what is the meaning I'm doing something but it's not making my parents happy.

in fact, at this moment, the moment where I be heard by the WORLD, I still feel like.. hu..
"mama ni betul ke proud dgn aku?" Is she really happy with me right now.. ya Allah..dalam hati ni mmg Allah je la tau. takut jugak sebenarnya lepas interview tu.. takut nak face mama. sebenarnya mmg nak share dgn mama..dah post dah link dkt wall fb mama. post dua kali.. sbb first2 cancel.. then 2nd time post.. tapii.. lepas half an hour..rase tak konfiden.."ye ye je mama can be proud/happy with me?" heh. even bajet je dlm TV kata, oh i dont want to be slave by other people etc.. but then, dgn mama ni aura dia lain..aku cukup takut nak dgr ape mama kata. aku dah tak kisah dah ape org lain nak kata. pada aku sume tak tak sepenting apa kata mama. ye la kan syurga tu bawah telapak kaki ibu. =.=.. oh beratnye.. selalu rasa, i'm not a good daughter. I didn't do enough..never enough for her. but her.. masha Allah.. she always has PATIENCE with me. oh mann I couldn't describe more.. how patient she is with me.. ya Allah bless my mother. bless my mother. bless my mother. forgive her, for anything wrong that she did.

anyways, from before day interview lagi da even the world can be proud of me. " ye la.. kan org TV tu ckp something like this "she go against her parents".. I was like.. OMG.. kot yer pon ko takyah r highlight benda tu kot.. malu sehh. aku rase mcm penjenayah yg dah buat benda evil giler je.. go AGAINST her parents. =.=

link i'm on CityTV



is that someting you can proud of? I feel like at out of place. but alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal. Allah twist benda tu nmpk mcm baik. heh padahal sebenarnya mungkin tak baik. Allahu 'alam. aku biar Allah je la yang nak judge aku ni baik ke tak. lantak pi la satu dunia nak pk aku ni baik cam malaikat ke, bidadari syurga ke (konon).. tapi hakikat sebenarnya only Allah knows. Allah je tau ape hari2 yang aku face, detik hati..hu.. takutnyerrr.. tetiba semua pandang kat kita.. even maybe takdela sume.. tapi terasa mcm.. the whole world looking at me right now.. (orr aku sorang je perasan?)

till then. fair enough for now.
fuhh fuhh.. la haula wala kuwwatabillah

alfaqir ilallah,
everjihad

209 Fort York Blvd,
Toronto, Canada
7:20AM
27 Jan 2012