Anyway, today I have accomplish my mission to go Putrajaya and send my second appeal letter with recommendation letter from few of my teachers and councellor to JPA. I have made up to see Director of Bhgn. Modal Insan. When I was there, I was so nervous. My heart was shaking and my mind is empty. I have no words to say. Unfortunately, I am unable to meet him in person because he is so busy. I manage to get see his face just for a while after his meeting. I wait for so long but still cannot see him. It's okay. I redho for that. Keep the patience in me.
Even that 'dream' to meet the director not accomplished, at least I meet the JPA officer. Have some conversations with him. He asked me, what's the matter. and I told my story but at that time I don't know why I'm so nervous until my voice was stuck. My voice was very limited and I didn't talk much even before this I feel like I want to say how mean am I to this appeal. But during that moment, it just like nothing. I don't really feel anything. No strong feeling. I'm not putting too much hope anymore. NO more.
Before, I used to put so much hope but I start to stop myself from doing that and let start to be real. I put so much hope when I pray. I am bias to fly not pray that may Allah give me the best thing. and it is a bit pressure when I do that. Putting too much hope until at one point, I am 'tired' to hope or starting to feel no point to put a hope. However, thankful and glad that when I feel that 'down', I start to calm down myself. Trying to find, 'hey what am I looking for?' What are you searching for, Qur? IF you really fly, then what? Sometimes, I asked myself, and sometimes I'm unable to answer it. I would admit that it is more to nafs sometimes. It is right to have 'exposure' like I used to mentioned to others but what's the matter with exposure?
Anything it is, I have the conclusion, just be happy with anything it is. As that is what this life I'm searching for. I'm searching for Allah's bless. I should accept anything that Allah give to me. Accept means be happy with it. Even it is not satisfy us sometimes but to be satisfied and to feel enough with what we have that is the key of true happiness. Even if let say, I'm going there, that doesn't promise that I will be happy. Even if we follow the 'normality' as a person is, to get something like that we should be happy for it.
Enough is enough. I'm waiting answer from JPA whether to reconsider my appeal is accepted or denied. It is jumpy. I'm nervous to know the answer. It teach me to be patient. It teaches me to have faith in Allah. It teaches me to be strong. I'm not sure whether I'm stronger for now but it teaches me a lot that don't waste the chance and opportunity that given to you. I believe that I have done a lot of mistakes throughout my ICPU's life.
one thing that I could say, is the problem to put PRIORITY. and first think first. Sometimes, I failed in doing that. It teaches me, DON'T TAKE FOR GRANTED evEn the tiny and slightest thing as it might impact in future. I admit that I'm not taking serious sometimes in my study. I mean serious means 'comitted'. But somehow I also don't want to be hamba to study. I'm still in journey to understand the most important thing in my life. Is study is so much important or there are other thing that are much much important more than study but not put aside the importance of study itself.
I admit and realize my weakness in doing so and so but I'm not denying that maybe this has fated to me to teach me a lesson in life. I rarely being 'test' such thing like this. Most of my life, I excel in my studies. Even I'm not super or damn good but I would say the end result from the big exam like UPSR, PMR, and SPM is far better and excellent I would say.
but then, I would say that it is me that did not any effort. I'm only lack in certain thing. I believe there are room for improvements. Humans won't run from doing mistakes. From mistakes we learnt a lesson. but my father told me, the smart people will learn mistake from other people mistakes not his own. It's okay. I'm getting there. I still remember my dear friend said to me to boost my spirit, don't forget to celebrate your success when you finding or realizing your mistakes. Success need to be celebrated to as that is the energy to grow stronger.
I talked to my dear awin. she feel happy to hear that the appeal really will be considered and special meeting and committe is arranged purposely. I don't really feel it but I knew it is something significant. To her, it is a good news as maybe there are progress along the way. And of course berdebar utk tau keputusan dia.
apa2 pun, she remind me again that this is really a test by telling that long time a go she really want medic but she didnt get it. she got into taylors and get T-A-R-B-I-Y-A-H and that is so sweet. I admit that. got the same thing. I glad, I got something that make me closer to Him. Make me want to make anything that leads a way to Him. It is so significant. And this is really a test that test on faith and reliance on Him. SO much things that I got from this test. YA Allah. Thank you so much.
Everything happen must be reasons. I believe there are hikmah so much. and it's not only a test of faith. But it test my stand, my principle, my ideologies and understanding. I want to say this. SEGALA apa yang diperkatakan, yang dikatakan, yang didakwahkan pada orang lain, benda tu akan datang balik untuk menguji kita. Sejauh mana kita benar-benar dengan apa yang kita cakap. I really feel it now.
I would say, if let say, anything to be, andai takdir tak fly, tapi dapat menambah amal n iman, aku rasa berbaloi. Sebab takde yang lebih berharga dari tu. Nak dapat iman pun bukan senang. Bila dah diuji baru tau sejauh mana benarnya kita berpegang dengan apa yang kita biasa cakapkan selama ni. Seteguh mana keyakinan dan kepercayaan tu tertanam dalam diri. no matter what, what's the thing in my life that I'm searching for? Nikmat dunia hanya sementara. I need to rememember that everything it is, Allah lend it to me. Anytime, He can take it back. SO bear in mind that He can make anything that He wishes. It just that we need to make effort and try the best.
There are one time that in my mind when thinking to go for oversea. There are some obstacles and I don't know what will it be if it really be. It is a clash when it comes to a dream to be realized, a demand to be satisfied and a rule to be obeyed.
When I knew about the hadis of a woman that cannot go to anywhere that consume one night journey without mahram, I think a lot. There is in my mind that no use to be there if that is haram. But it is not absolute haram as it is khilaf. Means there are diffrence opinions between scholars and you can take which opinion that closed to you. I can take opinion that I feel strong and also opinion that is relevant. If i'm not mistaken based on opinon of Ibn Taimiyah that said, it is not haram. He analysed the hadis in depth. But most scholar take zahir hadis as clear cut without compromise. and I also have asked few people that I trust his knowledge and someone that I can refer. The latest, I asked this one ustaz. This ustaz, I asked him with my father. At that time, in getting the answer my father beside me. Well, before, my father also mentioned the same thing to me about haram to musafir without mahram for woman. It's a bit hard on me. In a way to fulfil my dream and also to obey syari'atullah. And when it comes to this, I knew I don't have much choices. AS this life, Have syariat to be followed. We can't live follow our likes. Something that we like in islam we take it but things that we don't like or hard to do we leave it. That's not the true muslim as a muslim he or she need to take it as whole. It is the way of life.
But in this case, it is khilaf. It is not absolute haram. There are some scholars that say it is not regarding to current situation. Maybe later I could post something about the opinions of scholar about this. However, it is just me that I feel maybe I am stronger to the opinion of haram one. and perhaps maybe there have hikmah and reason for Allah not made up way for me to be there. Especially during this time that people label it as 'critical' with those uprising cases of H1N1. Anway, back to the ustaz that I asked, he also said the same thing as what I used to discussed with one of my friend.
If it is haram, there is a way to make it halal. Islam not stop me to realize my dream. I believe everything in islam there are reasons and I believe islam that protect me. my favor upon islam is almost evertyhing. so if I have accept islam as the true one, accept it is the way of my life conduct. the halal way is By having mahram. and a way to that in this situation by having marriage .
why is it so important to me about this halal and haram? What's the point to do the halal thing and the haram thing? This signify that i'm having faith that Allah is one that I recognized as my Lord. He is the one that I worship so it is important to obey what He asked and not to do what He hated.
If not, if I do anything I WANT and I LIKE to do, so wha't the purpose that Allah set rules? If I'm not obey. Even when I was in ICPU in law class, the purpose of law to be made, people need to obey to the rules that has been set up. If rules are disobey, chaos will happen. One thing about obey, I would say this is very close with the PURPOSE OF MY LIFE that I'm so clear about it.
Az-zariyat : 56 - refer to Quran
it means something not far like this that Allah said,
'I'm not making human and jinx except to worship Me(Allah as God)'
So, in conclusion to make it short, halal and haram is one part of SUBMISSION to my Lord. That's why it is important to me to make sure the conduct and act that I did is allowed in islam or not. All that means a lot for my life. As I have accept that to have GOD in my life. To recognize that nothing should be worship other than Allah as a God and Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah.
I only can pray for the best.
There are khilaf in opinion. and I believe Allah knows the best.
Agama itu tidak menyukarkan.
anyway, my heart getting cool down when my best friend used to say to me, 'kalau ada rezeki adalah. tak payah risau..' entah lah. even dia cakap simple macam tu, tapi menusuk ke kalbu. tak tau kenapa. menenangkan. Remind me that, if Allah let it be, it will be. So no worries, be happy!
I getting myself back. The confidence, the strength, the spirit, the courage to make this far. I get contact to everyone that dear to me. Let them know my current situation and asked them to pray for me. Before this, I am so hopeful but currently I try to let it be. I have tried to give the last try and do anything that I can do, and we will see the result soon.
I enjoyed doing my job. Teaching kids to read Quran, I feel so blessed because I able to practic one of hadis nabi that mentioned the best people among you is one that learn Al-Quran and teach it. I am happy for that. It is a pleasure to teach them to read Iqra'. I never expect to have this opportunity and chance but it is real. This is something that I really one to do and I have think about it before I gradute last month and it is unbelievable sometimes to be real. Sometimes I feel funny to be in school because I have no experience in teaching at it really challenges me to be a GOOD TEACHER and EDUCATOR. There are so much things that I need to improved and do before the time is up. I really love those kids. Some are so much adorable. With little cute one even the naughty one. Sometimes feel like I want to have one. Haha..InsyaAllah one day.
to teach them, teach me to teach myself. Do what you teach! It's really a reminder ever to me. and always need to keep in mind that now I'm a teacher, I need to look upon my behaviour more.
I guess, I will make another post talking about my expriences so far in teaching. It's really nice if I could express it.
I should feel glad not matter what as there are many other people that not fortunate like me. I should realize that and I should appreciate everything that I have for now before I lost it. You just feel something so great and mean when it is taken from you. Like me, I feel the lost of opportunity is also an opportunity and space for other things. for example, the chance to get something better than that. becuase we never know what is good for us. We think it good for ourselves but it is not confirmed yet. Perhaps it maybe things that we like is not good for us in real.Nevertheless, at one side I feel the lost. and for next time, I'm not going to let go any opportunity that I have. The chance is only one. Even to live, it's only once.
Till then, I should stop here.