sesaat aku terfikir. mendidik jiwa itu bukan perkara mudah.
saat ini, aku bahagia dengan hidup aku sebagai guru. walaupun sementara waktu. pastinya, ini satu perkara dan tugas yang memang jauh di sudut hati mahu aku lakukan. dan syukur segala puji bagi-Nya, memberi aku peluang dan satu anugerah yang tak ternilai harganya. SAHAM akhirat!
walaupun hanya mengajar alif ba ta, ajar mengeja, mengenal huruf, tapi cukup itu membuat aku rasa bahagia dan senang sekali.
tapi, tugas ini bukan mudah.
berhadapan dengan perangai budak2 yang tak tentu hala, ada yang terlalu kebudak-budakan, dan ada yang memang tak mendengar kata. ada yang malas buat kerja. ada yang degil tak dengar cakap. asyik nak bermain je.
itu memang fitrah manusia yang bergelar budak2.
melarang dia dari bermain tu rasanya ibarat menentang fitrah.
aku dapat rasa, satu kelemahan aku ialah untuk mengawal kelas.
kalau setakat nak ajar budak, aku rasa aku mampu buat. tapi, bila dapat kelas yang budak2 dia 'hardcore' ..ya Allah..Allah je tau. rasa nak tempeleng budak pun ade. bila dah geram. nakal, memang nakal.
mengajar dan mendidik perkara yang berbeza. sejauh mana aku mampu mendidik tatkala mengajar? aku merasakan, sekolah bukanlah tempat menerima asuhan. semuanya bermula dari rumah. dan sesaat aku terfikir, masa depan yang macamana aku nak? yang aku harapkan? pastinya aku harapkan, andai aku punya anak suatu hari, aku dapat mendidik dia sepenuhnya. dan tugas itu sememangnya tanggungjawab utama ibu bapa.
aku terasa aku nak jadi suri rumah sepenuh masa. tapi aku tak pasti apakah itu dapat menjadi realiti dengan keadaan semasa. saat ini, terasa ibarat Allah sedang memberi aku pilihan untuk menentukan hala hidupku. hakikat belajar sebenar bukan di sekolah. hakikat 'sekolah' sebenar bukan di sekolah. itu apa yang aku rasa.
bila aku perhatikan anak murid aku, memang aku rasakan ibu bapa segala2nya. kat sekolah boleh la setakat nak belajar macam2. tapi itu hanya ilmu. faham nya? belum tentu.
tapi realiti hidup, ibu bapa sibuk bekerja. bila dua2 bekerja, nasib anak siapa yang jaga? didikan dan asuhan? pelajaran? sedikit sebanyak akan ada yang terabai.
kadang2 aku ada jugak terasa, kalau aku ada anak, aku akan cek satu2 apa yang dia belajar, apa yang dia buat kat sekolah, semak buku sekolah satu persatu, dan mungkin siap mengajar lagi kalau aku boleh.
bila aku tengok sukatan j-qaf, aku rasa..alahai..kalau macam ni sukatan dia, nak harap kat sekolah, alamatnya darjah 6 baru reti solat la jwabnya!..
maksudnya, sukatan ada, yang pada aku ringan. tapi tak boleh jugak nak salahkan sukatan sebab seringan2 sukatan yang ada tu pun budak2 ada yang masih ketinggalan. salah siapaa? aku tak tau apakah sapa2 patut dipersalahkan. kontroversi la pulak nak cari salah siapa.paling penting cari solusi. tapi tetap jugak aku rasakan, solusi tu terletak kat mak bapak. ibu bapa yang patut bertanggunjawab segalanya atas anak. kat rumah lagi patut da dipersiapkan sikit2 fardhu ain. diajar baca Quran.umur 7 tahun patut dah boleh baca muqaddam. bukan umur 10 tahun masih mengeja alif ba ta! tapi tak pe la. aku sedar, tak semua ibu bapa pun ada asas agama. jadinya, mengharapkan dengan ada sekolah, anak dia dapat jadi lebih baik.
aku mengerti. tapi itulah pentingnya ilmu, kefahaman dan kesedaran. bila terfikir pasal benda ni, ada keinginan yang tersemat di hati aku, nak jadi ibu yang hebat. hebat dari segi didik anak tu, ajar anak tu macam2. aku tengok kat sekolah kebangsaan ni, agama tu macam kureng. bayangkan, kalau sehari hanya satu jam je belajar agama. dan dalam seminggu, mungkin tak smpai 10 jam. apalah sangat si anak tu belajar? dalam kelas pun belum tentu tumpukan perhatian. main2 memanjang. yela bila dah ada kwan, mana tak seronok. pengaruh kawan tu lagi kuat. bila mengajar, tak tumpu, apalah sangat yang dia dapat? alih2, dia hanya sekadar ikut2 je. lepas tu, apa yang dia faham? ini berdasarkan pemerhatian aku bila tengok gelagat setiap budak2 kat sekolah tu. guru tak boleh nak follow up satu2 murid. tugas sapa yang nak bagi budak ni faham dengan ilmu yang dia dah ada? tak ke mak bapak tu?
dan aku rasakan, budak2 masa umur 6-9 tahun ni la masa emas, yang boleh nak bentuk. kalau acah nak bagi gula2 ke, hadiah, mesti dia akan buat. walaupun aku hidup belum berumahtangga, tapi bila melihat jauh ke depan, ini yang aku terfikir. mempersiapkan diri dengan sesuatu yang boleh datangkan manfaat pada generasi yang akan datang.
aku tak taulah apa yang aku fikir ni hanya setakat 'impian' atau aku benar-benar nak jadikan kenyataan. jauh di sudut hati aku, kalau diberi pilihan, kalau berumah tangga nanti aku memang harap aku boleh jadi suri rumah sepenuh masa. mungkin ni satu fikiran 'kolot' tapi entahlah. pada aku, anak tu modal and yang terlalu berharga. terlalu rugi andai terabai. dan memang hadis nabi, anak2 ni ibarat kain putih. yang warnakannya ialah ibu bapa. tapi, kalau jadi suri rumah pun, takdela macam duduk rumah je. mungkin bekerja dari rumah ke. 5-6 tahun akan datang, dunia mesti berbeza. sekarang semua dah boleh dibuat dengan alam maya. keluar rumah atas urusan dakwah, nak menuntut ilmu, atau apa2 je la yang bermanfaat.
tapi kalau ada kat rumah sebab kerja..hmm..entahlah. tak tau lagi macamana.
ada budak tadi tanya aku,
''ustazah nanti dah besar nak jadi apa?''
aikk budak ni..patut aku yang tanya soalan tu kat dia. terus terpintas kat fikiran aku, aku ni tak cukup besar lagi agaknya bagi dia..haha..
aku tefikir. susah jugak nak jawab soalan budak ni..yang terfikir2 jawapan yang berlegar dalam fikiran aku waktu tu, peguam..tapi sejauh mana aku betul2 nak jadi peguam, kat situ masih ada sangsi n keraguan.
alih2 aku just jawab..
"nak jadi orang berguna..." sambil senyum n tersengih..=J
terfikir lagi aku, saat ni hidup aku memang agak 'terisi'. terisi tapi kadang tak berisi. dapat faham ke? huhu..takdela. jadual harian, pagi2 dah pergi sekolah. mengajar budak2. ada masa kosong, bila tak mengajar, menanda buku budak. sebahagian masa dan hidup aku saat ni, dengan anak murid. yela dari isnin smpai jumaat. habis sekolah pukul 1. kadang2 ada kelas tasmik. kadang2 ada ajar budak mengaji. dan aku ambik masa, cuba nak datang surau yang memang hari2 ada buat kelas agama. sekadar ambik masa tu jela nak top up ilmu, mencerah n menghidupkan hati yang kadang2 layu ni. balik rumah, masa dengan famili. tapi takdela buat apa sangat pun kadang2.
sebab tu aku tefikir, andaikata nanti aku bekerja. bukanlah kerja cikgu ni. kerja pejabat misalnya. bayangkan jela. 7-5 kerja kat pejabat. balik rumah dah macam penat. masa dengan anak2 nanti macamana? nak layan budak2 ni yang macam2 kehendak dia. jauh aku fikir. usia muda lagi. entah ada calon entah tak. dah cakap benda yang belum tentu pasti. tapi aku tau ada je mak bapak yang mampu buat tu semua. aku memang salute r kalau ada. yang boleh kawal diri, walau penat, tapi semangat kuat.
kenapa nak jadi suri rumah ?
banyak sebab. antaranya ialah, mendidik anak sekarang bukan lagi macam anak zaman dulu.(macamla aku pernah hidup zaman dulu..) tapi nak katanya, cabaran dia sangat hebat. bayangkan je la, anak2 tu kalau dah membesar atau dalam persekitaran yang hari2 penuh hiburan..dengan kemajuan teknologi lagi..
bila fikir pasal ni, masuk pulak pasal soal tuntutan dalam islam.
bila tefikir soal ni, aku pun tak dapat nak menjawab dengan seikhlasnya atau sejujurnya..
habis tu, sekarang ni, ilmu apa yg paling dituntut untuk belajar dalam islam?
aku macam dah ada jawapan tapi tak tau macamana nak buat keputusan.
antara kehendak dan satu tuntutan. antara kehendak dan satu keperluan.
aku tau, kalau aku nak betul2 meneliti, nak 'abadikan' diri didik anak2 di kemudian hari, aku perlukan ilmu-ilmu macam psikologi, asas-asas agama kena mantapkan. lepas tu, diri sendiri pun kena la jugak betulkan kan..itu paling utamalah..bukanlah bermakna jadi hamba kat anak tu. tapi macam nak khaskan diri untuk didik anak2. persiapkan diri dia dengan macam2. mestilah aku pun kena bersiap2kan..apa2 pun jugak tak bermakna, ilmu dunia diketepikan. cuma yang mana patut jadi keutamaan, itulah satu persoalan yang perlukan jawapan yang jelas.
aku terfikir lagi, andaikatalah aku fly, belajar pasal international relations, lepas tu, macamana masa depan? kerjaya nya macamana? mesti la kerja dengan kerajaan kan.da ada bon biasiswa. mesti sampai 4-5 tahun. kalau ikutkan,memanglah hati, niat ikhlas belajar tu untuk islam, kerana Allah. tak de msalah dari segi tu. tapi dari segi, tuntutan yang sebenar dalam islam. mana yang lebih dituntut untuk dikerjakan. peranan seorang wanita tu sendiri dalam merubah dunia ni da cukup besar aku rasa. peranan seorang ibu..dan jugak bapa..
ish tula.memang susah kan nak bertindak dengan apa yang kita fikirkan.
ha inilah aku..setakat terfikir je. tapi takde kemana sangat pun. huhu. fikir2 tapi tak ternampak pintu jalan. fikir punya fikir, tapi belum terjalan..tapi orang kata berfikir tu lebih baik dari ape ntah..aku tak berapa ingat perumpamaan tu.
setakat ni jela coretan minda aku. paling kurang, kalau 5-6 tahun lagi, terbaca balik post ni, mengingatkan aku akan 'harapan' dan 'impian' yang aku simpan jauh di sudut pedalaman. dan pemikiran yang masih lagi 'suci' belum terpengaruh dengan apa2 yang 'menggoda'/
moga ia memberi satu inspirasi pada masa akan datang.
aku pun tak tau patut berfikir yang macamana, dan bertindak sekali. yang pasti, aku ibarat hanya mengikut 'arus' dan 'adat'. walau tefikir yang 'macam2' tapi belum lagi kot mampu untuk bertindak diluar 'kebiasaan'..
sebarang komen, dialu-alukan.
sekian. post yang agak skema..
Selasa, Julai 21
Selasa, Julai 14
The Appeal and other significances
I need to brush up my English. Really!! I can't denied that it is important. My vocab so rusted! Now I try to start practice my writing skill. I MUST!!!
Anyway, today I have accomplish my mission to go Putrajaya and send my second appeal letter with recommendation letter from few of my teachers and councellor to JPA. I have made up to see Director of Bhgn. Modal Insan. When I was there, I was so nervous. My heart was shaking and my mind is empty. I have no words to say. Unfortunately, I am unable to meet him in person because he is so busy. I manage to get see his face just for a while after his meeting. I wait for so long but still cannot see him. It's okay. I redho for that. Keep the patience in me.
Even that 'dream' to meet the director not accomplished, at least I meet the JPA officer. Have some conversations with him. He asked me, what's the matter. and I told my story but at that time I don't know why I'm so nervous until my voice was stuck. My voice was very limited and I didn't talk much even before this I feel like I want to say how mean am I to this appeal. But during that moment, it just like nothing. I don't really feel anything. No strong feeling. I'm not putting too much hope anymore. NO more.
Before, I used to put so much hope but I start to stop myself from doing that and let start to be real. I put so much hope when I pray. I am bias to fly not pray that may Allah give me the best thing. and it is a bit pressure when I do that. Putting too much hope until at one point, I am 'tired' to hope or starting to feel no point to put a hope. However, thankful and glad that when I feel that 'down', I start to calm down myself. Trying to find, 'hey what am I looking for?' What are you searching for, Qur? IF you really fly, then what? Sometimes, I asked myself, and sometimes I'm unable to answer it. I would admit that it is more to nafs sometimes. It is right to have 'exposure' like I used to mentioned to others but what's the matter with exposure?
Anything it is, I have the conclusion, just be happy with anything it is. As that is what this life I'm searching for. I'm searching for Allah's bless. I should accept anything that Allah give to me. Accept means be happy with it. Even it is not satisfy us sometimes but to be satisfied and to feel enough with what we have that is the key of true happiness. Even if let say, I'm going there, that doesn't promise that I will be happy. Even if we follow the 'normality' as a person is, to get something like that we should be happy for it.
Enough is enough. I'm waiting answer from JPA whether to reconsider my appeal is accepted or denied. It is jumpy. I'm nervous to know the answer. It teach me to be patient. It teaches me to have faith in Allah. It teaches me to be strong. I'm not sure whether I'm stronger for now but it teaches me a lot that don't waste the chance and opportunity that given to you. I believe that I have done a lot of mistakes throughout my ICPU's life.
one thing that I could say, is the problem to put PRIORITY. and first think first. Sometimes, I failed in doing that. It teaches me, DON'T TAKE FOR GRANTED evEn the tiny and slightest thing as it might impact in future. I admit that I'm not taking serious sometimes in my study. I mean serious means 'comitted'. But somehow I also don't want to be hamba to study. I'm still in journey to understand the most important thing in my life. Is study is so much important or there are other thing that are much much important more than study but not put aside the importance of study itself.
I admit and realize my weakness in doing so and so but I'm not denying that maybe this has fated to me to teach me a lesson in life. I rarely being 'test' such thing like this. Most of my life, I excel in my studies. Even I'm not super or damn good but I would say the end result from the big exam like UPSR, PMR, and SPM is far better and excellent I would say.
but then, I would say that it is me that did not any effort. I'm only lack in certain thing. I believe there are room for improvements. Humans won't run from doing mistakes. From mistakes we learnt a lesson. but my father told me, the smart people will learn mistake from other people mistakes not his own. It's okay. I'm getting there. I still remember my dear friend said to me to boost my spirit, don't forget to celebrate your success when you finding or realizing your mistakes. Success need to be celebrated to as that is the energy to grow stronger.
I talked to my dear awin. she feel happy to hear that the appeal really will be considered and special meeting and committe is arranged purposely. I don't really feel it but I knew it is something significant. To her, it is a good news as maybe there are progress along the way. And of course berdebar utk tau keputusan dia.
apa2 pun, she remind me again that this is really a test by telling that long time a go she really want medic but she didnt get it. she got into taylors and get T-A-R-B-I-Y-A-H and that is so sweet. I admit that. got the same thing. I glad, I got something that make me closer to Him. Make me want to make anything that leads a way to Him. It is so significant. And this is really a test that test on faith and reliance on Him. SO much things that I got from this test. YA Allah. Thank you so much.
Everything happen must be reasons. I believe there are hikmah so much. and it's not only a test of faith. But it test my stand, my principle, my ideologies and understanding. I want to say this. SEGALA apa yang diperkatakan, yang dikatakan, yang didakwahkan pada orang lain, benda tu akan datang balik untuk menguji kita. Sejauh mana kita benar-benar dengan apa yang kita cakap. I really feel it now.
I would say, if let say, anything to be, andai takdir tak fly, tapi dapat menambah amal n iman, aku rasa berbaloi. Sebab takde yang lebih berharga dari tu. Nak dapat iman pun bukan senang. Bila dah diuji baru tau sejauh mana benarnya kita berpegang dengan apa yang kita biasa cakapkan selama ni. Seteguh mana keyakinan dan kepercayaan tu tertanam dalam diri. no matter what, what's the thing in my life that I'm searching for? Nikmat dunia hanya sementara. I need to rememember that everything it is, Allah lend it to me. Anytime, He can take it back. SO bear in mind that He can make anything that He wishes. It just that we need to make effort and try the best.
There are one time that in my mind when thinking to go for oversea. There are some obstacles and I don't know what will it be if it really be. It is a clash when it comes to a dream to be realized, a demand to be satisfied and a rule to be obeyed.
When I knew about the hadis of a woman that cannot go to anywhere that consume one night journey without mahram, I think a lot. There is in my mind that no use to be there if that is haram. But it is not absolute haram as it is khilaf. Means there are diffrence opinions between scholars and you can take which opinion that closed to you. I can take opinion that I feel strong and also opinion that is relevant. If i'm not mistaken based on opinon of Ibn Taimiyah that said, it is not haram. He analysed the hadis in depth. But most scholar take zahir hadis as clear cut without compromise. and I also have asked few people that I trust his knowledge and someone that I can refer. The latest, I asked this one ustaz. This ustaz, I asked him with my father. At that time, in getting the answer my father beside me. Well, before, my father also mentioned the same thing to me about haram to musafir without mahram for woman. It's a bit hard on me. In a way to fulfil my dream and also to obey syari'atullah. And when it comes to this, I knew I don't have much choices. AS this life, Have syariat to be followed. We can't live follow our likes. Something that we like in islam we take it but things that we don't like or hard to do we leave it. That's not the true muslim as a muslim he or she need to take it as whole. It is the way of life.
But in this case, it is khilaf. It is not absolute haram. There are some scholars that say it is not regarding to current situation. Maybe later I could post something about the opinions of scholar about this. However, it is just me that I feel maybe I am stronger to the opinion of haram one. and perhaps maybe there have hikmah and reason for Allah not made up way for me to be there. Especially during this time that people label it as 'critical' with those uprising cases of H1N1. Anway, back to the ustaz that I asked, he also said the same thing as what I used to discussed with one of my friend.
If it is haram, there is a way to make it halal. Islam not stop me to realize my dream. I believe everything in islam there are reasons and I believe islam that protect me. my favor upon islam is almost evertyhing. so if I have accept islam as the true one, accept it is the way of my life conduct. the halal way is By having mahram. and a way to that in this situation by having marriage .
why is it so important to me about this halal and haram? What's the point to do the halal thing and the haram thing? This signify that i'm having faith that Allah is one that I recognized as my Lord. He is the one that I worship so it is important to obey what He asked and not to do what He hated.
If not, if I do anything I WANT and I LIKE to do, so wha't the purpose that Allah set rules? If I'm not obey. Even when I was in ICPU in law class, the purpose of law to be made, people need to obey to the rules that has been set up. If rules are disobey, chaos will happen. One thing about obey, I would say this is very close with the PURPOSE OF MY LIFE that I'm so clear about it.
Az-zariyat : 56 - refer to Quran
it means something not far like this that Allah said,
'I'm not making human and jinx except to worship Me(Allah as God)'
So, in conclusion to make it short, halal and haram is one part of SUBMISSION to my Lord. That's why it is important to me to make sure the conduct and act that I did is allowed in islam or not. All that means a lot for my life. As I have accept that to have GOD in my life. To recognize that nothing should be worship other than Allah as a God and Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah.
I only can pray for the best.
anyway, my heart getting cool down when my best friend used to say to me, 'kalau ada rezeki adalah. tak payah risau..' entah lah. even dia cakap simple macam tu, tapi menusuk ke kalbu. tak tau kenapa. menenangkan. Remind me that, if Allah let it be, it will be. So no worries, be happy!
I getting myself back. The confidence, the strength, the spirit, the courage to make this far. I get contact to everyone that dear to me. Let them know my current situation and asked them to pray for me. Before this, I am so hopeful but currently I try to let it be. I have tried to give the last try and do anything that I can do, and we will see the result soon.
I enjoyed doing my job. Teaching kids to read Quran, I feel so blessed because I able to practic one of hadis nabi that mentioned the best people among you is one that learn Al-Quran and teach it. I am happy for that. It is a pleasure to teach them to read Iqra'. I never expect to have this opportunity and chance but it is real. This is something that I really one to do and I have think about it before I gradute last month and it is unbelievable sometimes to be real. Sometimes I feel funny to be in school because I have no experience in teaching at it really challenges me to be a GOOD TEACHER and EDUCATOR. There are so much things that I need to improved and do before the time is up. I really love those kids. Some are so much adorable. With little cute one even the naughty one. Sometimes feel like I want to have one. Haha..InsyaAllah one day.
to teach them, teach me to teach myself. Do what you teach! It's really a reminder ever to me. and always need to keep in mind that now I'm a teacher, I need to look upon my behaviour more.
I guess, I will make another post talking about my expriences so far in teaching. It's really nice if I could express it.
I should feel glad not matter what as there are many other people that not fortunate like me. I should realize that and I should appreciate everything that I have for now before I lost it. You just feel something so great and mean when it is taken from you. Like me, I feel the lost of opportunity is also an opportunity and space for other things. for example, the chance to get something better than that. becuase we never know what is good for us. We think it good for ourselves but it is not confirmed yet. Perhaps it maybe things that we like is not good for us in real.Nevertheless, at one side I feel the lost. and for next time, I'm not going to let go any opportunity that I have. The chance is only one. Even to live, it's only once.
Till then, I should stop here.
Anyway, today I have accomplish my mission to go Putrajaya and send my second appeal letter with recommendation letter from few of my teachers and councellor to JPA. I have made up to see Director of Bhgn. Modal Insan. When I was there, I was so nervous. My heart was shaking and my mind is empty. I have no words to say. Unfortunately, I am unable to meet him in person because he is so busy. I manage to get see his face just for a while after his meeting. I wait for so long but still cannot see him. It's okay. I redho for that. Keep the patience in me.
Even that 'dream' to meet the director not accomplished, at least I meet the JPA officer. Have some conversations with him. He asked me, what's the matter. and I told my story but at that time I don't know why I'm so nervous until my voice was stuck. My voice was very limited and I didn't talk much even before this I feel like I want to say how mean am I to this appeal. But during that moment, it just like nothing. I don't really feel anything. No strong feeling. I'm not putting too much hope anymore. NO more.
Before, I used to put so much hope but I start to stop myself from doing that and let start to be real. I put so much hope when I pray. I am bias to fly not pray that may Allah give me the best thing. and it is a bit pressure when I do that. Putting too much hope until at one point, I am 'tired' to hope or starting to feel no point to put a hope. However, thankful and glad that when I feel that 'down', I start to calm down myself. Trying to find, 'hey what am I looking for?' What are you searching for, Qur? IF you really fly, then what? Sometimes, I asked myself, and sometimes I'm unable to answer it. I would admit that it is more to nafs sometimes. It is right to have 'exposure' like I used to mentioned to others but what's the matter with exposure?
Anything it is, I have the conclusion, just be happy with anything it is. As that is what this life I'm searching for. I'm searching for Allah's bless. I should accept anything that Allah give to me. Accept means be happy with it. Even it is not satisfy us sometimes but to be satisfied and to feel enough with what we have that is the key of true happiness. Even if let say, I'm going there, that doesn't promise that I will be happy. Even if we follow the 'normality' as a person is, to get something like that we should be happy for it.
Enough is enough. I'm waiting answer from JPA whether to reconsider my appeal is accepted or denied. It is jumpy. I'm nervous to know the answer. It teach me to be patient. It teaches me to have faith in Allah. It teaches me to be strong. I'm not sure whether I'm stronger for now but it teaches me a lot that don't waste the chance and opportunity that given to you. I believe that I have done a lot of mistakes throughout my ICPU's life.
one thing that I could say, is the problem to put PRIORITY. and first think first. Sometimes, I failed in doing that. It teaches me, DON'T TAKE FOR GRANTED evEn the tiny and slightest thing as it might impact in future. I admit that I'm not taking serious sometimes in my study. I mean serious means 'comitted'. But somehow I also don't want to be hamba to study. I'm still in journey to understand the most important thing in my life. Is study is so much important or there are other thing that are much much important more than study but not put aside the importance of study itself.
I admit and realize my weakness in doing so and so but I'm not denying that maybe this has fated to me to teach me a lesson in life. I rarely being 'test' such thing like this. Most of my life, I excel in my studies. Even I'm not super or damn good but I would say the end result from the big exam like UPSR, PMR, and SPM is far better and excellent I would say.
but then, I would say that it is me that did not any effort. I'm only lack in certain thing. I believe there are room for improvements. Humans won't run from doing mistakes. From mistakes we learnt a lesson. but my father told me, the smart people will learn mistake from other people mistakes not his own. It's okay. I'm getting there. I still remember my dear friend said to me to boost my spirit, don't forget to celebrate your success when you finding or realizing your mistakes. Success need to be celebrated to as that is the energy to grow stronger.
I talked to my dear awin. she feel happy to hear that the appeal really will be considered and special meeting and committe is arranged purposely. I don't really feel it but I knew it is something significant. To her, it is a good news as maybe there are progress along the way. And of course berdebar utk tau keputusan dia.
apa2 pun, she remind me again that this is really a test by telling that long time a go she really want medic but she didnt get it. she got into taylors and get T-A-R-B-I-Y-A-H and that is so sweet. I admit that. got the same thing. I glad, I got something that make me closer to Him. Make me want to make anything that leads a way to Him. It is so significant. And this is really a test that test on faith and reliance on Him. SO much things that I got from this test. YA Allah. Thank you so much.
Everything happen must be reasons. I believe there are hikmah so much. and it's not only a test of faith. But it test my stand, my principle, my ideologies and understanding. I want to say this. SEGALA apa yang diperkatakan, yang dikatakan, yang didakwahkan pada orang lain, benda tu akan datang balik untuk menguji kita. Sejauh mana kita benar-benar dengan apa yang kita cakap. I really feel it now.
I would say, if let say, anything to be, andai takdir tak fly, tapi dapat menambah amal n iman, aku rasa berbaloi. Sebab takde yang lebih berharga dari tu. Nak dapat iman pun bukan senang. Bila dah diuji baru tau sejauh mana benarnya kita berpegang dengan apa yang kita biasa cakapkan selama ni. Seteguh mana keyakinan dan kepercayaan tu tertanam dalam diri. no matter what, what's the thing in my life that I'm searching for? Nikmat dunia hanya sementara. I need to rememember that everything it is, Allah lend it to me. Anytime, He can take it back. SO bear in mind that He can make anything that He wishes. It just that we need to make effort and try the best.
There are one time that in my mind when thinking to go for oversea. There are some obstacles and I don't know what will it be if it really be. It is a clash when it comes to a dream to be realized, a demand to be satisfied and a rule to be obeyed.
When I knew about the hadis of a woman that cannot go to anywhere that consume one night journey without mahram, I think a lot. There is in my mind that no use to be there if that is haram. But it is not absolute haram as it is khilaf. Means there are diffrence opinions between scholars and you can take which opinion that closed to you. I can take opinion that I feel strong and also opinion that is relevant. If i'm not mistaken based on opinon of Ibn Taimiyah that said, it is not haram. He analysed the hadis in depth. But most scholar take zahir hadis as clear cut without compromise. and I also have asked few people that I trust his knowledge and someone that I can refer. The latest, I asked this one ustaz. This ustaz, I asked him with my father. At that time, in getting the answer my father beside me. Well, before, my father also mentioned the same thing to me about haram to musafir without mahram for woman. It's a bit hard on me. In a way to fulfil my dream and also to obey syari'atullah. And when it comes to this, I knew I don't have much choices. AS this life, Have syariat to be followed. We can't live follow our likes. Something that we like in islam we take it but things that we don't like or hard to do we leave it. That's not the true muslim as a muslim he or she need to take it as whole. It is the way of life.
But in this case, it is khilaf. It is not absolute haram. There are some scholars that say it is not regarding to current situation. Maybe later I could post something about the opinions of scholar about this. However, it is just me that I feel maybe I am stronger to the opinion of haram one. and perhaps maybe there have hikmah and reason for Allah not made up way for me to be there. Especially during this time that people label it as 'critical' with those uprising cases of H1N1. Anway, back to the ustaz that I asked, he also said the same thing as what I used to discussed with one of my friend.
If it is haram, there is a way to make it halal. Islam not stop me to realize my dream. I believe everything in islam there are reasons and I believe islam that protect me. my favor upon islam is almost evertyhing. so if I have accept islam as the true one, accept it is the way of my life conduct. the halal way is By having mahram. and a way to that in this situation by having marriage .
why is it so important to me about this halal and haram? What's the point to do the halal thing and the haram thing? This signify that i'm having faith that Allah is one that I recognized as my Lord. He is the one that I worship so it is important to obey what He asked and not to do what He hated.
If not, if I do anything I WANT and I LIKE to do, so wha't the purpose that Allah set rules? If I'm not obey. Even when I was in ICPU in law class, the purpose of law to be made, people need to obey to the rules that has been set up. If rules are disobey, chaos will happen. One thing about obey, I would say this is very close with the PURPOSE OF MY LIFE that I'm so clear about it.
Az-zariyat : 56 - refer to Quran
it means something not far like this that Allah said,
'I'm not making human and jinx except to worship Me(Allah as God)'
So, in conclusion to make it short, halal and haram is one part of SUBMISSION to my Lord. That's why it is important to me to make sure the conduct and act that I did is allowed in islam or not. All that means a lot for my life. As I have accept that to have GOD in my life. To recognize that nothing should be worship other than Allah as a God and Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah.
I only can pray for the best.
There are khilaf in opinion. and I believe Allah knows the best.
Agama itu tidak menyukarkan.
anyway, my heart getting cool down when my best friend used to say to me, 'kalau ada rezeki adalah. tak payah risau..' entah lah. even dia cakap simple macam tu, tapi menusuk ke kalbu. tak tau kenapa. menenangkan. Remind me that, if Allah let it be, it will be. So no worries, be happy!
I getting myself back. The confidence, the strength, the spirit, the courage to make this far. I get contact to everyone that dear to me. Let them know my current situation and asked them to pray for me. Before this, I am so hopeful but currently I try to let it be. I have tried to give the last try and do anything that I can do, and we will see the result soon.
I enjoyed doing my job. Teaching kids to read Quran, I feel so blessed because I able to practic one of hadis nabi that mentioned the best people among you is one that learn Al-Quran and teach it. I am happy for that. It is a pleasure to teach them to read Iqra'. I never expect to have this opportunity and chance but it is real. This is something that I really one to do and I have think about it before I gradute last month and it is unbelievable sometimes to be real. Sometimes I feel funny to be in school because I have no experience in teaching at it really challenges me to be a GOOD TEACHER and EDUCATOR. There are so much things that I need to improved and do before the time is up. I really love those kids. Some are so much adorable. With little cute one even the naughty one. Sometimes feel like I want to have one. Haha..InsyaAllah one day.
to teach them, teach me to teach myself. Do what you teach! It's really a reminder ever to me. and always need to keep in mind that now I'm a teacher, I need to look upon my behaviour more.
I guess, I will make another post talking about my expriences so far in teaching. It's really nice if I could express it.
I should feel glad not matter what as there are many other people that not fortunate like me. I should realize that and I should appreciate everything that I have for now before I lost it. You just feel something so great and mean when it is taken from you. Like me, I feel the lost of opportunity is also an opportunity and space for other things. for example, the chance to get something better than that. becuase we never know what is good for us. We think it good for ourselves but it is not confirmed yet. Perhaps it maybe things that we like is not good for us in real.Nevertheless, at one side I feel the lost. and for next time, I'm not going to let go any opportunity that I have. The chance is only one. Even to live, it's only once.
Till then, I should stop here.
Sabtu, Julai 11
New SKIN!
In conjuction with my change of new skin, I believe that I want change in my life starting from this moment.
Reason that I choose this skin is because of the texture. It looks like a notepad which shows the
->Integrity
->Excellence
->Wisdom
Like Taylor's motto!
As we learn, of course we need to have notes. Jotted down notes is one of important step to be smart. Therefore, here is the notes of my life. Notes from lesson of my life.
Template yang lama sudah genap setahun. Aku masih ingat lagi saat itu. Dan saat itu bergetar jiwa dan imanku. Hati yang barangkali dikuasai nafsu. Namun itu perkara setahun lalu. Dan aku jua mahu melupakannya. Usah dikenang perkara lalu. Teruslah mara untuk maju.
Ku kira, sejak bertukar tempate tu,saat mulanya kehidupan di Taylors. menghadapi saat susah senang kehidupan di ICPU, pahit manisnya, dan manisnya bila ku jumpa ~T.A.R.B.I.Y.A.H~ dan ukhuwah yang manis sekali di situ. Aku rindu kalian! Moga ukhuwah ini benar-benar kerana Allah. Kita bertemu kerana Allah. Kita berpisah(hanya sementara kerana pasti kan ketemu di syurga nanti insha Allah) jua kerana Allah. Berpisah kita untuk menyambung cita-cita. Meneruskan perjuangan membawa islam itu ke serata dunia.
Aduhai..Sayang sekali, aku terlupa untuk buat screenshot, mengabadikan template yang lama itu. Tak apela. biar ku simpan dalam ingatan. Template yang penuh kenangan.
Kini, kulit baru. harapan baru. sinar baru. Aku mahu memberi pencerahan yang baru. Mulakan azam yang baru walau tahun baru belum tiba.
Nota-nota kehidupanku, moga rententan hidupku dapat diabadikan di sini menjadi pedoman.
Reason that I choose this skin is because of the texture. It looks like a notepad which shows the
->Integrity
->Excellence
->Wisdom
Like Taylor's motto!
As we learn, of course we need to have notes. Jotted down notes is one of important step to be smart. Therefore, here is the notes of my life. Notes from lesson of my life.
Template yang lama sudah genap setahun. Aku masih ingat lagi saat itu. Dan saat itu bergetar jiwa dan imanku. Hati yang barangkali dikuasai nafsu. Namun itu perkara setahun lalu. Dan aku jua mahu melupakannya. Usah dikenang perkara lalu. Teruslah mara untuk maju.
Ku kira, sejak bertukar tempate tu,saat mulanya kehidupan di Taylors. menghadapi saat susah senang kehidupan di ICPU, pahit manisnya, dan manisnya bila ku jumpa ~T.A.R.B.I.Y.A.H~ dan ukhuwah yang manis sekali di situ. Aku rindu kalian! Moga ukhuwah ini benar-benar kerana Allah. Kita bertemu kerana Allah. Kita berpisah(hanya sementara kerana pasti kan ketemu di syurga nanti insha Allah) jua kerana Allah. Berpisah kita untuk menyambung cita-cita. Meneruskan perjuangan membawa islam itu ke serata dunia.
Aduhai..Sayang sekali, aku terlupa untuk buat screenshot, mengabadikan template yang lama itu. Tak apela. biar ku simpan dalam ingatan. Template yang penuh kenangan.
Kini, kulit baru. harapan baru. sinar baru. Aku mahu memberi pencerahan yang baru. Mulakan azam yang baru walau tahun baru belum tiba.
Nota-nota kehidupanku, moga rententan hidupku dapat diabadikan di sini menjadi pedoman.
Jumaat, Julai 10
Amanah yang berat bila berilmu
lama betul tak update blog. aku sekarang ni, mengalami krisis diri. dimana pencapaian menurun, produktiviti pun begitu. aku pun tak tau mana pergi semangat itu. mana pergi jiwa itu. mana pergi amalan itu? semangat yang membuat aku hidup. hidup dan BERGERAK.
minda aku seakan kaku. aku biar hidup ku begitu. hatiku kadang2 dihinggap pilu dan aku tahu aku perlu melakukan sesuatu.
aku kini?
entah. ilmu tanpa amal ibarat pohon tak berbuah. sebut pasal ilmu, kurasakan sejak sebulan lalu, terlalu banyak rasanya input yang aku dapat tapi terperangkap dalam diri. ilmu itu satu amanah dan aku seakan buntu bagaimana dapat aku melaksanakan amanah yang satu ini. 'membebaskan' ilmu yang terperap dalam buku nota dan pengalaman hidup yang mengajar diri ini jua.bermula dari macam2 program, FCR, daurah, program sana program sini, ceramah sana ceramah sini. bandingkan pula mereka yang jarang2 ke majlis ilmu. tidakkah nanti aku akan ditanya? apakah aku sudah berusaha menyampaikan setiap satu ilmu yang aku perolehi? sejauh mana pulak aku beramal dengan ilmu.
harapan mungkin tinggal harapan. dan khayalan itu hanya menyesakkan fikiran.
aku mahu bergerak melakukan sesuatu.
kenapa lembik menerima ujian ini?
belum lagi diuji dengan hal yang lain.
bukankah aku pemuda harapan islam?
mana perginya roh itu?
Mafhum hadis nabi s.a.w., sampaikanlah walaupun seayat.(ke sehuruf? aku kurang pasti. tapi lebih kurang begitulah. yang penting pointnya SAMPAIKAN)
setakat ni aku rasa dah beratus2 ayat dah aku dengar. tapi beku. aku mahu manfaatkan ilmu yang hampir berhabuk di hujung buku. menilai sebanyak ilmu yang ditimba dan sebanyak mana pula aku beramal dengan ilmu2 tersebut. aku cukup takut mengenangkan ilmu itu satu amanah. sebab, memang ruang dan peluang aku mendapatkan ilmu(lebih-lebih lagi ilmu agama) agak mudah, dan aku tahu satu cara untuk dimanfaatkan ilmu itu ialah melalui tulisan.
cuma masa perlu diperuntukkan sedemikiannya namun belum terdaya melakukannya. separuh hari masaku terbang dengan kanak2 riang yang menjadi harapanku sebagai saham akhirat. mengajar dan mendidik itu bukan mudah. walaupun begitu masa suntuk apakah itu alasan semata? Ilmu itu satu amanah. amanah tetap amanah! yang pasti kekuatan sedang dibina dari diri yang merasa lemah.
ya Allah bantu aku kembali bernafas dalam jiwa itu..
minda aku seakan kaku. aku biar hidup ku begitu. hatiku kadang2 dihinggap pilu dan aku tahu aku perlu melakukan sesuatu.
aku kini?
entah. ilmu tanpa amal ibarat pohon tak berbuah. sebut pasal ilmu, kurasakan sejak sebulan lalu, terlalu banyak rasanya input yang aku dapat tapi terperangkap dalam diri. ilmu itu satu amanah dan aku seakan buntu bagaimana dapat aku melaksanakan amanah yang satu ini. 'membebaskan' ilmu yang terperap dalam buku nota dan pengalaman hidup yang mengajar diri ini jua.bermula dari macam2 program, FCR, daurah, program sana program sini, ceramah sana ceramah sini. bandingkan pula mereka yang jarang2 ke majlis ilmu. tidakkah nanti aku akan ditanya? apakah aku sudah berusaha menyampaikan setiap satu ilmu yang aku perolehi? sejauh mana pulak aku beramal dengan ilmu.
harapan mungkin tinggal harapan. dan khayalan itu hanya menyesakkan fikiran.
aku mahu bergerak melakukan sesuatu.
kenapa lembik menerima ujian ini?
belum lagi diuji dengan hal yang lain.
bukankah aku pemuda harapan islam?
mana perginya roh itu?
Mafhum hadis nabi s.a.w., sampaikanlah walaupun seayat.(ke sehuruf? aku kurang pasti. tapi lebih kurang begitulah. yang penting pointnya SAMPAIKAN)
setakat ni aku rasa dah beratus2 ayat dah aku dengar. tapi beku. aku mahu manfaatkan ilmu yang hampir berhabuk di hujung buku. menilai sebanyak ilmu yang ditimba dan sebanyak mana pula aku beramal dengan ilmu2 tersebut. aku cukup takut mengenangkan ilmu itu satu amanah. sebab, memang ruang dan peluang aku mendapatkan ilmu(lebih-lebih lagi ilmu agama) agak mudah, dan aku tahu satu cara untuk dimanfaatkan ilmu itu ialah melalui tulisan.
cuma masa perlu diperuntukkan sedemikiannya namun belum terdaya melakukannya. separuh hari masaku terbang dengan kanak2 riang yang menjadi harapanku sebagai saham akhirat. mengajar dan mendidik itu bukan mudah. walaupun begitu masa suntuk apakah itu alasan semata? Ilmu itu satu amanah. amanah tetap amanah! yang pasti kekuatan sedang dibina dari diri yang merasa lemah.
ya Allah bantu aku kembali bernafas dalam jiwa itu..
Langgan:
Catatan (Atom)