A happy feeling?

The happy feeling

Today my day starts better. However, my flaw, I don’t get for tahajud. But at least, better than yesterday. Well, today is the IELTS result to release. Should be nervous isn’t it? But I feel cool bout it. Not so worry, just I don’t really thinking much about it. How I can be not worrying bout it? Well, I really surrender to Him. To me, I’ve done my part. Let Allah do the rest. Put all those hope and believe to Him. Keep believe and have faith, He knows the best. I SURRENDER!

Even tak sempat for tahajud, I struggle to get subuh jemaah. Struggling to have jemaah with Awin my next door friend. Not really next actually, but just opposite my house. Alhamdulillah, sempat. When I called her, she just about to pray. Lucky to get jemaah because last few days I missed it! Due to my lateness and she had prayed. A bit frustrating and what a waste! After that, I manage to stick with the ‘mutaba’ah ‘amal’. While going down the stairs, I start to listen to IKIM. Before this, I never open IKIM in the morning and hear the slot ‘tafsir quran’. But after one sahabat suggest me to listen, it is an encouragement for me to listen. But it is almost after a week the suggestion, I manage to hear it. I don’t know.

It seems I’m living in a ‘cave world’ which really under develops. I know it’s my own fault. I don’t really listen to radio, not really read newspaper, Current news? I feel dumb when people talk what happen currently because I don’t updated with any current issues(since not taking world issue anymore. Feel so bad know nothing). My world looks like ‘isolated’ even I’m living in urban city. Perhaps, the one that live in kampung2, know better than me. No joke.

Well, along the way, I listen to the slow. The kupasan really good. The ustaz talked about akidah(faith).
What I can still remember, he say about
- Musyarokah
- Muroqobah
- Muhasabah
- Mu’aqabah
- Muhajadah

Let me explain. Musyarotah means that, you need to put limitation and restriction to have faith. It just like an expecatation. Like to have contract with people, you need to fulfil some restriction. SO, it’s the same thing like we and Allah too, where you mush have some sort of promise to fulfil. If not, you can’t have a good and strong akidah or faith. Maybe the restriction could be i.e. : in whatever it is, you must have faith in Him no matter what circumstances it be.

Then, bout muroqabah. Is the close relation between us and Allah. When we have some sort of promise and restriction, then we need to feel that He is very close to us and always with us. That’s the step to have strong faith. Because only the strong faith that will save us in life as anything it comes, we will not be ruined.

Next, about muhasabah. It is being storied that in past history the sahabat really judge them. As saidina Umar said, “judge yourself before you being judge later” Like saidina Umar, He judge himself very particular. I cant really remember the example of his action but he really strict and discipline.That’s the story of sahabat. What about us? What about me? In fact, I don’t really judge myself so much.

Huhu..Seldomly. Too bad. Now, I’m in a way trying, and struggling to upgrade iman to higher level. Maybe by doing these things. Ada hikmah ditakdirkan dengar radio IKIM pagi ni! Dapat tips yang sangat2 bermanfat. ^_^ Alhamdulillah. Thanx to the one that suggest me to listen to it. I almost ‘forgot’ about ikim or any radio these days. In fact, when being asked, it is almost a month I don’t listen to radio I guess. Betapa katak di bawah tempurungnye laa..huhu

Mujahadah pulak, xberapa ingat la plak kupasan dia.
Anyway bout IELTS result. A significant event!
Happy???!
After I took the result, and I saw my result. Overall bandscore. That’s the first thing I looking for! 6.5. Fuhh..alhamdulillah. selamat aku. Then, I saw each component. and saw. writing 5.5.aiseh…asal r ade cacat nih.. then, trying to generate positive mind, ala..xpela..memang soklan dia haritu pun ak mmg kontang idea. Tak tau nak tulis aper. Tanye ak pasal ekonomi. Tapi mmg sgt general je soklan dia. Cuma ak ni, takder idea nak tulis ape. Lg 5 minit da nak habis masa baru tersedar, aku tulis ciput. Tak cukup quota. Terkial2 nak tambah word. Ayat mmg berterabur. Yeah..no wonder the result could be like that. Xper r..redho..nak wat camner. Idea comes from READING. And me? I’m not reading at all! I mean for general knowledge. I knew myself. I have very limited knowledge about general knowledge and some sort of current issue. Mmg kantoi r!

Then, sister yg tukang bagi result tu kata kat aku, mmg pedas r kena. Dia kata mcm ‘itula..u lainkali dah tau, patut ambik kelas. Don’t take risk.”..hmm dalam hati aku pedas terasa. Xpe2..takdir Allah. I register for re-sit on the same day I took the result. Tak fikir panjang. Fikir nak amik balik as soon as possible and lepas! That’s all.

So, aku pun, da tak tau nak fikir ape dah. Hmm..sebelum ambik result, mmg baca macam2..baca yasin, ratib n so on..mintak bagi tenang, and dapat terima apa je yang dah tersedia untuk aku. Doa yg biasa aku baca ari2

“Ya Allah, jika apa yang telah engkau takdirkan bagiku hari ini, maka jadikanlah aku redho dan mendapat petunjuk. Jadikan aku redha(can accept) apa sahaja yang telah engkau tentukan untukku hari ni”

Sebelum amik result, member2 bagi support r. kata insyaAllah ok..aku pun masa tu bersemangat r nak gi amik result IELTS.
Siap kata, “toronto…here I come!..”(poyo gler. Bajet mcm dpt 7 je..)

I took it juz before MR.Ben class. Sbb result kua pukul 9. ak pegi dlm 9.05.masa tu takder r plak dubdab2 sgt..cool jek..hmm..before amik result, gi draw duit siap2. sbb bajet nak terus hantar result tu gi Toronto n york n perhaps Carleton. Courier express dlm RM90 ++ per univ. kalau dua dah RM100 ++..huhu..

After that, pergila menjemput result kat IDP yg sejengkal jek dari ATM tu. Bila da tgk result, terkedu r plak. Tak tau nak fikir ape. Confirm r nak hantar Toronto tak lepas. Oh harapan menggunung ku punah sementara..mungkin terpaksa ucapkan ..bye2 to UofT. Sadis. Tapi masa dpt result, tu, ntah r. tak tau patut rs ape. Yg penting only one thing that I know, I feel so relieve! But a relief just a relief. The feeling, feels nothing. Bersyukur, yes. Syukur sebab lepas. Tapi, masa tu mcm tak tau patut ke rasa happy atau pun x. sebab writing dpt 5.5 which is not my expectation.

quote Hamlet plak masa tu..
“to be, or not to be..” hohoho

Dengan perasaan yg relief and a bit disappointed for the writing part, aku pun masuk kelas. Hmm..masuk kelas LAN, sume da pakat tanyer. Ak mmg xbleh sembunyik..ckp je r..
The first thing I heard good response about my result,
“sedap mata memandang..” and congratulations

Then, MR. Ben,
“This is a good news isn’t it! Lets see how you doin with previous one. Your listening is improved, your reading is very good. Level up. Your writing maybe a bit reduce, and your speaking is great. You achieve what you want. And this is so good.”

Okay. After I heard that, then I start to feel, yeah..this not too bad. (I’m one that hard to feel satisfy. Need someone to tell me that I’ve done well)
Then I met MR. Collin Shafer along the way. Just tegur him from far as I’ve saw him from long way,

“Hi Mr. Collin. How are you..?”

“hey..ain..how are you doing?”
(xjawab pun soklan aku..hampeh..)

“I’m good.”

“really?. What’s your latest update?"

“oh..I just took my IELTS …”

“I saw many book in your hands..”

“Oh yeah..this is for my CCA research. Law subject. I choose topic War and International Law..”

“sorry. what you say just now?? When I asked about your latest update?”

“oh..I just took my IELTS. Do you know IELTS?”

He just nodded his head and looks like he really have know idea what its all about. And I show her my result that written on the top INTERNATIONAL ENGLISH LANGUAGE TEST SYSTEM and show my result to him from the transparent file.

Listening 6.5 Reading 7.5 Writing 5.5 Speaking 7.0 Overall bandscore 6.5

“oh..erm..this is IETLS..well, my writing quite bad..”
“Oh..your reading quite high. That’s good. But for writing, don’t worry. There’ still lot of rooms of improvement..”

Dia kata sambil kenyit mata kat aku..Ya Allah…sabar je la..menahan rasa..muka da r mcm beckham. Tinggi mcm tiang gol(bak kata kakak aku)

And then, I met Pei San at the stairs, and just tegur her by telling my result released already. She really excited to know. I don’t want to show, and I said,
“not so good la. My writing sucks!”

but she trying to grab it from me and want to see it. Her expression really like impressed with the result. But then she said, “eh u need to retake back. Ur writing ..not reach the requirement..”

“ala.. no need. Mr. Ben said I can send both my ielts result just to show my ability that I able to write. Because previous one I got 6.”

Then, blah. Dari jauh, she shout.. “Ain…!”

I toleh, then she said, “CONGRATULATION!”

so cheerful. That’s nice to hear! Then I said, “Thank you!” ^^

Just after that, I got message from Husna. Asking bout my result too. I reply by saying syukri Allah. Thanks for her support and doa. Hope can get study together in Canada with her. InsyaAllah.

After that, my law class, Mr.Hanna.

Come to my turn to consult about the research.

He asked me, “how’s your progress?”

Tersengih2 mcm kerang busuk, I said, “ so far, so good..” sarcastic. –padahal tak buat ape2 lagi pun.

Then, he called me for consultation about my topic. I show him my mind map that not fully complete, then I told him about my argument for the topic which is
“international law has failed to stop the war!”

“is that only your argument? Are you referring to any specific area? Or just war in general?”

“err..yeah..generally war..erm..like the Israeli war in Gaza, …”

“oh..yeah..another war is?”

“erm…err..what else eh..”

mmg gelabah da..tak tau..amik ko ..amik topic perang2..da r lemah sal benda2 ni..da tak tau nak kelentong..
Then, dia try bagi klu..

"erm..sorry Mr.Hanna..I don't complete my research yet..well, it is

"yes. you need to make research more..it is iraq war..and the palestin..you can put in two example and try to extract from those. You can have two and not necessarily three argument. And also you can tell about what happen in Somalia right now. ? It’s disaster! There so many people being killed. And no one can stop it”

“oh..so ..maybe I need to list all the war..”

“you not necessarily make a list. I don’t want a list but..”

“yeah..i mean like from the list of war, then I try to proof that how the international law has failed …”

“oh..exactly. that’s what you should do and then you can look the thousand of war in Africa. What happen? It’s disaster! There so many people being killed. And no one can stop it.”

“Yeah..”

“and your argument might be the important thing. The one that important..”

Muka mr.hanna masa tu..hmm..sgt serius, n mmg mcm ape jek..

“yeah..should be important one..”, I said.

Dah tak tau nak ckp pe dah..
“erm, is it that’s all?”

“yeah. That’s all. Keep moving..”

After the class, I told him about my IELTS result because before this, he really eager to know. Dia sangat2 excited..he looks really really happy. Sangat2 excited.
He said,
“this is the grade that you want right? I am really happy for you..”
“err..yeah..”

Then, dia hulur tangan kat aku, nak ucap congratulation. Aku masa tu, tergamam jap. Aku hulur tangan gak, tapi aku hulur tak sampai salam, aku just buat2 mcm ak salam, tapi aku tahan. Then aku kata, “I’m sorry..”

Dia pun paham2 je aku punya body language, terus dia tarik tangan balik and show thumbs up.

“congratulations!”
Hmm..mr.Hanna. ‘mengancam’ sungguh!

Well, this is some of the story which can I it consider as ‘success’? Perhaps.
The thing is, today I don’t feel happy or so happy, or once to feel happy, but by looking to people that happy with me, that makes me happy!

Betul. Aku pun tak tau aku rasa hepi ke x. patut ke rasa hepi? Tapi bila dgr ucapan2 yang memberangsangkan, n org keep say congratulation to me, and with some teacher that very excited and happy with my results, I feel happy for that. Itu satu benda yang aku rasa pelik untuk hari ni. I’m not really happy with the result but other people makes me to feel happy about it. This is good I think.

At least, I experienced some things in my life. I have experience how it feel when I got result that not good and result that consider good but not enough(for me).

Here two things.

Last time, before when got the first IELTS result, and I don’t ‘pass’ it. Undeniable a bit sad, and I feel so envy and jealous with my friends that ‘pass’ it with flying colours and I’m not. But that time, I keep the patience lies in me. I cry and cry until there’s no more tears to cry(just only the day I got the result). A bit depress that time but I accept the fate and accept it as a ‘test’ from Him. This is the opportunity for me to strengthen my faith and my believe in Him. I suppose.
Yes, it is. A tarbiyah from Him.

Tak mudah patah semangat!

Just like how I met Miss Christie before my IELTS speaking test which I still remember,

She said to me,
“There is two types of people When something not goes as what we want it be, some people will just give up but there are people that will keep trying and trying. And I’m happy that you are the one that keep trying and not give up.. get back to the horse, Ain!”

“oh yeah..erm..what was that?”

“well, we will say get back to the horse. Which means that when something not goes like we expect it to be, just get back on the track back..”

“oh..okay..”

Yeah. The spirit of never never never give up in me, should lies in me forever.
And today, I could feel how it feel when people happy with me and people keep congratulate. I feel how it feels. How good the feeling is. To get good claim. I hope this spirit and enthusiasm will be last long as I will take this as momentum. It is really good to hear some encouragement from others.

Yes, I really need MOMENTUM at this time. Really needed. The lost ‘spirit’ in me, should be in me right now.

Today, not only a person, but most people around me. That makes me feel good and I believe that’s a good thing which I should try to keep it up. By stay focus, have faith, belief and confidence. ^_^

Alhamdulillah. Thanks Ya Allah for Your Bless.
Wallahu’alam

p/s:well, this is also a test from Allah. Test me. Test me to be HUMBLE. Don’t feel proud, don’t feel so good actually. Need to be controlled. Yeah. Really really test me. Takut ter’riak’ seh. Takut terasa ujub. Nauzubillah. Takutt…T_T