Saat iman ini lemah..

ya Allah..
da lame betul ak tak muhasabah diri..

patut risau ni. saat bila hati hilang gerun dengan azab Allah. tak terasa gerun..ahh...macamana boleh jadi begini? mungkinkah hatiku sudah gelap dari cahaya?

patut rasa gerun bila hati tidak gerun lagi!

entahla.
masa tu ikut suka hati je nak buat ape. yezz. tido. terasa malas. ya Allah.mcamana boleh termalas pulak nih. naseb Allah bg peluang lagi nak bangun pagi ni. kalau tak, termati? wallahualam . ada plak bleh termati..haizz..berada di alam yang lagi satu tu, menyeramkan.lagi2 semalam, aku tengok ada buku warna pink-purple tapi tajuk dia "sudahkah anda bersedia menghadapi sakratul maut?" belum lagi baca, aku dah tertido. hampeh!

dia once klau dah terbuat 'dosa' , terasa sangat2 tercemarnya...rasa sangat kotor. tobat, tobat. tapi tak terasa sangat. then terbuat lagi. benda yang sama. aduhh...lemahnya iman aku..

aku ingat lagi abah pernah marah dalam tazkirah dia masa one the way to casa.
"macamana adik ni nak jadi dai'e, nak dakwah orang, kalau subuh pun subuh gajah. tinggal jemaah? Allah pun ada cakap dalam Quran, jangan sampai kamu menyuruh orang buat baik, tapi kamu lupa akan diri sendiri.."
lemah .T_T

melihat teman2 yang bermuhasabah kembali, menilai diri, dan aku? masih seperti ini..

ahh..malu!

malu dengan Allah

nak buat baik. tapi takde mood nak buat baik. mood aku dah rosak dengan satu jahiliyah. sebenarnya banyak je jahiliyah lain. cuma mungkin tak berapa sedar.

terus mood nak buat baik, mungkin terhilang sebentar. harapnya hanya sementara.

iman bergelora.

kenapa asal dekat rumah, terus 'karakter' itu bertukar. kenapa???

rumah bersalahkah?

tidak. aku yang bersalah. rumah itu terlalu nikmat. dan aku tak bersyukur dengan nikmat. patut dah dapat nikmat makin bertambah taat!sebab syukur atas nikmat tu bermakud menggunakan nikmat pancaindera untuk mentaati perintah-Nya. itu baru bersyukur namanya! hmm..casa jua nikmat bagiku. lebih2 lagi, bilik single. memang 'nikmat' sampai subuh berkali2 terlajak. lemahnya...ya Allah..T_T

ah..
ini kufur nikmat namanya!

semalam terpalit rasa malu lagi.

I shouldnt push that person just the sake of my need.

neh.. again

damn it.

take it as experience.
past is past. a lesson to learn.

what am I doin now? keep reminding myself, dont waste time, but yet again and again i did it.

your final exam is just two days more, Qur. Can't you be patient and struggle for the very last time? FOCUS!!

me n myself. the reason of this post, is just a muhasabah. evaluating myself. and also, hope people that read it also start to recheck themselve. how i used to read other people's post that remind me how i must muhasabah.

for the exam I knew i should prepare. I must prepare. hey..what about death that is certain. never think to prepare for it? yeah it is certain but uncertain regarding when is it. if I knew much easier to prepare for it.

uncertain things ya..?
talking with one friend. by my own start to realize, how this dusty world is just a play. A stage where you should play your role. why i should worry for my future where Allah had written for me? He owns this Kingdom. He could anything to be possible. Even, without my effort He could make it. He don't need me either but I need Him the Most to survive in this world. yeah. what should be worried? why? stress-free. after all, why I should be so worried? In fact, I should be more worried that my DEATH is certain and I don't prepare for it. I should be more worried that what I'm doin right now is not enough to save me from HELL.

there are few friends of mine ask,
what happen? with my status..
"aku terasa sangat malu" - i feel so ashamed-

yeah. i feel ashamed of myself. for so much things that I EXPECT from myself.

one of them said, its a good thing if that can make me a better person. what eva happens don't blame yourself.

one side, i cant accept, but another way around maybe i really should blame myself. Depends on situation.

if I got bad result, should I blame the question damn hard or should I blame I'm the one that not working damn hard or damn smart?

after all, dont ever forget if i have done everything I could, the only thing i should consider is, everything on His hand whether to make it or not.

HOWEVER, if I done nothing, then I shouldnt whipping. it's my own fault. I'm the one that not working hard or smart enough to reach the expectation. yes i admit. i done nothing. nothing at all. ask bout effort? my effort? only God knows.
I believe anything I have right now, none of it are my effort other than His Bless. He just too good to me, and I'm not good enough to Him. He give me almost everything I need, but I don't ever show how grateful I am.

ahh..starting to criticize myself badly..

who else should criticize me if not me?
but then should i until this stage? no comments. all this just full of emotion. I'm in emotional state right now. I dont think there are much more rational in this writing. Somehow, I lost my rationality.sometimes, I start to take it negatively. please positive me.I need to be positive!

well, this where a space for improvement. You don't want to be a damn person right?

even in hadis stated you shud be better.
YOU MUST BE BETTER!

ya Allah..jangan kau biar aku penat di tengah gelangang perjuangan..

penat menjadi baik?
jangan...
jangan biar aku rasa begitu.
jangan biar aku rasa penat mengejar redha-Mu.
jangan biar aku rasa malas untuk beribadah kepada Mu..

regarding today, there r such thing a relief in the middle of day but then trouuuublesome,

i start with a bad day. a bad day that i can't have khusyuk in my solah. a bad day where i can't feel the meaning of my solah. feel like useless. feel like i want to pray 100 times until i got the khusyuk.

damn.

what's in my mind?
i better stop now and say no more rather than continue it and make my words meaningless.

*reason to publish this post is hoping someone could boost my iman. boost my mind. however,i'm not hoping more than I hope Allah give me strength to help myself. Is there only hope?

*****************************
Ya Allah..
jangan biar hati ini rasa tidak bertuhan