Khamis, Februari 14

scattered thoughts

bismillah ..

just now I met two of my professors. for the second professor that I met, I bombarded him with a tonne of questions more about life that no so academics-related. I just feel to know about him more as a person besides as a professor. Well, I found out that it is pretty good feeling to talk about how I feel and ask how do other people feel and managed the challenges that I felt in pertaining to questions of life.

one of the questions that I asked him,
what university means to you?

and one part from his answer that captured me was "to teach student how to think".

When I get home, it makes me think somehow.
How can a professor which is a human teach other human how to think?

I found it is amazing to think of this.

I'm trying to relate with my personal belief that, in the Quran Allah used to teach us how to think, challenged us to think deeper.

Where does knowledge come from?
How do human obtain knowledge? From not knowing, to know, and understand and ability to teach others. It is amazing to think where does knowledge come from. How knowledge is created and of course the source of knowledge in truth I knew it is from Allah.

To think my purpose of being here, usually get me into conflict and clash of perceptions. To hold into principle that, what you are doing currently is just a mean, and not a goal, is something easier to be uttered than to imply. In real, it found it very tricky when it comes that our actions reflect what it means to us.

My father used to remind me that the purpose I am there, is to get the degree and come back.
However that is not a satisfying reason for me.

I realized that at one point in my life where I start to question more and being more critical in what I'm doing.

What does this means to me?
Why I'm doing what I'm doing?
What is the purpose I'm doing this?
What is the real reason of all this?
Where this will lead me?

Being in a secular system,  I found it very hard to relate on what I personally belief and how things work to others.

Begin with end in mind, as the pious people said. Make sure your hereafter as your ultimate goal as a believer.

Day by day, I learn what is the rule in life that you have to adhere.

I truly can sense the value of motivation.
What drives us to do what we do?

It comes with why we do what we do
What gets me to wake up from the sleep?

What drives me to worship Him?

When I start losing a sense of urgency, a sense of purpose, that is where I start losing my connection with my Creator. That is where my relationship with Him and His words broke up.I am in the dark time where I truly struggle in fixing that broken relationship which I had also losing myself.

living in the west that people keep running for 'freedom'.  i found myself as well to be free .. free in my own way and definition 


to teach people how to think, and change the way people think is something amazing.
What bring the change?


I have to accept and admit that, in life there are something that we are good at it and something that we are weak. Not let weakness weaken you but to strengthen you within your strength.

Focus on what you are good at will give you strength.
rather keep on the bad feeling you have with something that you weak.

to acknowledge your strength, is important.


how would you define and value what is important?
How would you decide what is important? the same as how you define what important is.

How can you value something is important, since what is valuable is important.

is giving up is a loser?

am I a loser?

everyone is struggle
"I don't really pay attention to details. "

but islam teach me to pay attention as well to little things.

what is little what is not?
what is important what is not?
what is priority? depends on what and how your value and goal.


seeking the answer is part of what drive me ..

what do I seek in life?
What do I want?
What do I want to get out of it?


the nature of human, or the need for human to know where they come from. it is important to them by nature. the same as to understand nd know the root, just like when you learn arabic. it is very important to know the roots. therefore, to learn history is to know your roots. where does it come from?

Ingredients that you need and how you make your meal different than the others.

Degree is just a license, he said. Just like you are having a driving license. It proves that you able to do certain things. Acquire certain skills. While skills according to him (J.reilly), is something that you mastered and able to pass on to others.

I write it before others so I don't need to read what others write.


Learning and studying history, what does it means to me?

i am finding greater reason that may push me to looking forward.
the first step should be just do it. do the reading.

how do you know something is interesting if you don't try it out?
how can assume something is not enjoyable when you not even take the chance to live with it?

am I had truly dedicate my life, my time, my energy for this?

the answer is absolutely.
because I don't really have the belief that is the utmost important in my life. or also maybe because the way I perceive it that leads how I did.

since what I did is based on how I think, also how I feel.

since the reason is not strong enough, or maybe as well the wills. well, wills come from interest, and driven by motivation in doing something.

if you just don't feel that something is important or valueable to you, you won't really do much towards that related to it. as same as sahabah that willing to sacrifice their life to protect rasulullah. jumping high and being attacked by arches, just for the sake securing him since the love that he has, and valuing how precious is rasulullah is.

so if i don't really value academic as something very precious, i might not work much towards it.
but i do value opportunity. opportunity in wide range. not really related to academic. but the opportunity to live with peace of mind, good, great, harmony, useful, contribute.

well but then how would you define  and decide what is 'academic'? I knew that all this while I had fallen into 'subjectivity'. Life is artistic. everything can be very  subjective. Depends on how you see, how you perceive, and  utmost is how you DEFINE.

ahh.. i dont know what am I crapping but this is all what in my head after quite a long time I'm trapped and kinda stuck, confused, lost  in what am I into...

finding way to move forward.

o Allah. guide me.

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