words

We do for others because we don't know how to do for ourselves. We do for others because we feel it is the only way to make up for the damage we feel our craziness is doing to society. We do for others because it makes us feel good when nothing else in the whole world does, not even pills. We stay quiet and sit in the corner because others seem so much more needy. We require so little, you and I. A fact which does not sit well with others who would label us as too much to handle. When in truth, all those such as us really need is a bit of understanding, a bit of reciprocation, maybe a touch on the cheek once in a while and a sly wink. The rest of the world is needy. I'd rather be crazy. ~~Aimee ~~


The kind of person you want to become is greatly influence by your inner decisions, and not from outside influence alone. We can even under adverse circumstances, decide what shall become of us ~ Brian C. Stiller

"I hate myself"

 bismillah ..

Disclaimer : This post is emotional. Not purposely or intentionally but this post is just a personal expression.  This is just the other side in me.

Am I in depression? maybe.
Am I stress? I would say yes.
Am I overwhelmed? Obviously.

Today is the day when I start to say "I hate myself". I start to list all the bad things of myself. I'm not good enough. Never good enough. I speak my minds and I can shoot people with all my words and it can be harsh. Really harsh since I'm harsh on myself. I need to learn to calm down. When I hurt people, that people is not hurt as I do. I hurt more since I hate to feel hurt and to hurt is not something cool and it's not fun. Sometimes it can be  fun but  in real, it's not. However, this all happen when I start to feel, " I can't stand anymore." The limit is there. You had reach the limit I have.  Truly now I'm exploding.

When I when home, I feel so stress. I freak out. I hate that home I don't know why. A home for me, not anymore a home. It's not sweet. It is bitter. I feel stress when I meet those people. Or maybe it's not about home or those people. It just me.

I came to realize, I'm trying to understand myself better and sometimes there something I unable to control. I get easily emotional due to the fact that I'm in stress. I'm not used to be in this state of emotion. When I was in high school I never would consider a problem is a problem, and never would declare and consider a stress is really a stress. I usually can handle and cope in a very high pressure situation. I'm used to it.

But at this moment, truly it is a hard test. I can easily swayed by emotion. I can easily affected by how people react towards me and it's hard to control emotion especially anger. Truly being tested on patience.


I became a person that hyper sensitive. As the time goes by, truly I easily feel hurt and offended. I don't know why. I became hyper and hyper the way I behave, the radical thoughts in my mind seems going to explode plus with brutal emotion. I get hypersensitive especially when something goes wrong, I can easily see and point out other people's fault. Truly words. I can continuously shoot my words to people that I truly care and get easily disappointed as well.

The problem with this, I need space to look back at all those radical thoughts and acts.

Am I expecting too much for myself? Maybe. The problem arise when I'm having high expectations on others as well which I am stuck in lower down the expectations. I have a lot of reasons for expectations that automatically being set in my mind, but unfortunately I have difficulties for make it lower.

Before, I'm not used to give up in anything I do. But now, I can easily feel, "maybe I should just give up" due to the fact that I don't see there is a hope anymore and should I still put a hope when it seems like my efforts are useless. Useless in the sense of not seeing till 'at the end'.

At some point in my life, there something good that people see, but truly I'm not as good as they think I am. It is good to think good of other people rather than ill thoughts, but things are not always as what people see it is.

Seek to understand to be understood.

Usually the problem is that, I seek to be understood rather than I try to understand people. Maybe, I try with those that I don't really used to. But at this moment, I could not see way to understand someone without that someone show me how should I understand.

I could not stand with passive people. Truly I cannot live with it. I can't stand/sit still.

 I maybe had ruined a lot of good things in my life. I've let many opportunities pass by. I've kept quiet when I should have spoken up, I've spoken up when I should have kept quiet. I've let people walk all over me. I demonstrate no self discipline whatsoever. I've done horrible things. I hate some of the decisions I've made in my life, but I can't really say that I hate myself for it.

But to hate everything about yourself is not constructive and productive. I hate for all the jahiliyyah and evil inside me. Truly I hate it. That is the first thought came to my mind. How I hate to easily anger and speak out my minds without have some thoughts on it before utter to somebody else.

I need to learn patience.
I need to learn  being more considerate.

Sometimes the way I show care might not the best. I might care for something else, but something else is missing. Caring seems pretty tricky. Caring for feelings too much might not satisfying and some feeling can be really depressing. 


I knew these all are craps without any act.
The evil in myself is hard to predict.
It is all up for me to decide.


Allahu musta'an.

5 Poisons of the heart

of fikremo

bismillah.


moga coretan ini muhasabah bagi diri sendiri. pantulan iman di dada. iman yang mungkin sedang koyak rabah, terbelah-belah menanti retak.

berat. yes. sangat berat. dalam banyak-banyak ujian, memang ujian yang satu ni aku belum lepas-lepas.

Sekiranya anda memilih untuk teguh dan tetap dalam menempuhi jalan yang panjang dan sukar ini ketahuilah bahawa kemenangan akan tiba. Ia tetap akan tiba sama ada anda memilih untuk bersama atau tidak. Mohonlah pertolongan dengan sabar dan solat.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrXGAQgz1_0&feature=related

tak tau nak mula dari mana. celaru. serabut. kusut. sedih? malas? penat. give up? ignore. I don't know what might be the best to desribe but Allah know better than myself and better than anyone else.

at one point, engkau semakin laju di jalan ini. semakin bersemangat kobar membara, bagai terasa at the top of the world,  ada masa iman seakan terasa melimpah-limpah, membuak-buak sehingga orang lain turut merasai tempiasnya. engkau bermati-matian untuk-Nya, rasa sanggup korbankan apa saja untuk mencapai apa yang kau impi, dan Allah beri apa yang engkau impi lebih dari apa yang engkau sangka.

namun dalam keributan dan kehangatan, dalam ke'exicited' an, engkau terlupa sesuatu yang maha penting. evaluasi di hujung hari dengan hati penuh tawadhuk, menyungkurkan diri pada-Nya dengan serendah-rendah hati, dengan MENGUNGKIT, dan membentang segala kelemahan yang kau ada dan mengharap segala khilaf dan kekurangan itu Tuhan rahsiakan dari pengetahuan manusia.

sebut mengenai ungkit, andai engkau diberi peluang untuk mengungkit segala silap dan salah manusia, pasti engkau boleh senaraikan, paling kurang 10 perkara dalam masa 10 saat. kerana apa? kerana engkau fikir dan memandang rendah pada mereka yang tidak menggunakan kelebihan yang ada seperti engkau. walhal, siapa engkau untuk memandang rendah pada hamba ciptaan Tuhan? padahal, kefahaman, kesedaran, kelebihan, peluang, kekuatan yang Allah beri itu semua jua dari Allah.

mengapa engkau memandang rendah pada mereka yang SLOW?
memandang rendah pada mereka yang KURANG MATANG?
memandang rendah pada mereka yang MANJA?

walhal, engkau suatu ketika dahulu sama je seperti mereka. cuma pada waktu dan ketika ini, engkau berada di roda atas dan mereka berada di roda bawah. padahal suatu ketika dulu, engkau pun LEMBAB je kot. lebih lambat kering dari siput.

it is so so easy to blame others. in fact you knew deep in your heart, it's your fault and all you have to do just to ADMIT and APOLOGIZE. being HUMBLE and not ARROGANT.

it is always EASIER to say it than done. in practical way, in REALITY, it is really hard.
BUT, it is not hard if you have a STRONG IMAN inside.

only with IMAN can win over everything.  only IMAN.

so any probs in life, you knew, the main problem is not about others, its not about miscommunication, its not about tak reti nak pujuk but it just the problem with your iman.

setel iman, setel everything.

sounds easy, ay?

I wish it is easy. But truly, nak meruntuhkan EGO, bukan mudah. EGO like a castle that have been built by the setan for how many years. tetiba ingat sesenang hati ke nak runtuhkan dia dgn cuba nak tolak guna satu jari je? IMPOSSIBLE! Unless la 1 jari tu kekuatan dia like 1000 jari yang bisa menumbangkan istana EGO binaan syaitan laknatullah.

kerana EGO, iblis, syaitan seangkatan tak mo sujud kat nabi adam a.s. kamu masih ingat kisah itu? termaktub dalam kitab suci alquran.

kerana EGO, iblis dihumban ke adalam api neraka jahannam

kerana EGO jualah, iblis memendam rasa untuk menghasut anak-anak cucu nabi adam untuk turut sama bersama dia di neraka di akhirat kelak. nauzubillah!


NOW, if ikut EMO, sangat senang je nak ikut jejak langkah iblis tu. It is so easy. HOW? tak perlu usaha susah payah nak runtuhkan EGO tu. abaikan je orang-orang yang merungsingkan, menyerabutkan, yang buat rasa menyampah. it is easy. Just IGNORE them.

and EGO kamu bukan sembarangan EGO.
malahan lebih hebat bila syaitan sendiri membisik dalil-dalil yang menyokong kenapa kamu perlu ego? atas ALASAN apa EGO itu perlu dipertahankan?

itulah bahayanya bilamana kita kononnya kelihatan semakin FAHAM islam, sehingga nampak 'hebat' pada mata manusia lain, menyampaikan pelbagai fikrah, walhal bila sendiri diuji, apakah kita memilih islam atau jahiliyyah? memilih emosi atau fikrah?

sukar.. suatu pilihan yang sukar..
namun jalannya terbentang luas dan jelas. kamu tahu, pilihan yang ada sentiasa DUA.

kalau kamu mahu memilih jalan yang satu, walau tidak secara obviousnya kelihatan 'jahiliyyah', atau jahiliyyahnya tersembunyi, boleh saja. namun apa kesannya? apa implikasinya?

kalau memilih yang satu lagi, yang sungguh tak enak dengan nafsu, yang sungguh sungguh berat dan berlawanan dengan nafsu, pasti itulah KEBENARAN. pasti itulah al-Haq.

Ignoring is easier than dealing with it.

at some point, you can create 1001 excuses just to justify your 'good' actions. But you know by heart, that are just dalih/ excuses for you to escape from the reality. It is for you to escape from the hardships and difficulties.

kalau nak senang, memang boleh.
kalau nak susah, pun boleh sangat

nak senang, tak payah fikir banyak2, tak payah susah2, lupakan je.

pengukuhan alasan : banyak lagi keje nak kene buat. aku takde masa nak layan benda2 kecik camni.

itu emo.

kalau secara fikrahnya,
- setiap ujian yang Allah beri, pasti ada tarbiyyahnya. menguji iman. apakah kita akan cuba LARI atau kita cuba bertahan dan HADAPI dengan iman di dada?
- apa benda yang kecik pada pandangan kita, mungkin sangatlah besar pada pandangan Dia? so what ur say? tak takut ke? if things that you thought KECIK, asbab masuk neraka? nauzubillah.


kalau nak susah, memang boleh.. tapii

alasan : saya tak reti laa nak pujuk2 ni. that is just not me. sorry sikit..

kalau betul ada fikrah,
- ye la mmg la awak tak reti. tapi doesnt mean it is impossible. and of course to change is never easy. tapi you know, to be and to stay in this track, kena jugak BERUBAH kan? walaupun pahit. walaupun sengal. tapi tetap kena jugak berubah no matter what. mmg la berat. tapi sampai bila awak nak kasi alasan berat, tak reti nak buat, penat etc.. benda2 tu sume nafsu je yang sangat selesa untuk kasi alasan demi alasan so taht awak tak perlu berusaha n bekerja.

....

at one point in your life, you may feel, didn't what I do is enough? and you kinda expecting something in return. and of course with rational mind and 'rational' iman, one may sense, nampak sangat belum betul ikhlas. hati belum betul submit that everything you give for Allah, you cant expect in return. I mean if you truly wanna be the excellent hamba that will have the peace of mind forever. you are are content either there is return or not. You give something without expecting anything.

and talking about expectations, that kinda hard for me.
But still, saying things hard can no longer be excuse. since you know, Allah had promised that He only give something that bearable. so anything He give, you need to TRUST that it is something that is doable. If not, you have spoil your trust in Allah.

and of course there must be reason kenapa Allah make you feel berat, heavy, hard..
sebabnya hanya satu. He wants you to go back to Him, and beg Him for strength, His mercy.
since that are one of main reason lah He create you in this world.As hamba 51:56 and khalifah 2:30.

Whats the point creating an object but the creator not being the subject of the object?
It just like if you invent a robot, but at the end of the day, that robot ikut kepala sendiri, tak nak going back to you when he has problems, when he is in low battery (which should be recharged by meeting you as the inventor), how you might feel?

If me, aku rasa macam nak bako je robot camtu. robot yang tak sedar diri untuk apa dia diciptakan. Like, I create you for my own pleasure, so if you don't meet my purpose, what for I still want and need to keep you? Useless.

But thennn.. Allah xde la jenis emo camtu kot. Allah baik. tak macam kita or at least of kos tak macam aku, kan? Allah super duper mercy, penyayang, penyantun, penyabo, takde nak terus2 emo n marah2. but then ade la jugak pada waktu dan ketika tuh kalau dah melampau benooo ,, mmg Allah smack down je kasi penampo. mula2 mungkin sindiri2 dulu.. dengan harapan berfikir la sikit, ingat n sedarlah diri sikit.. tapi if jenis mmg tak paham bahasa, kalau sound pun mmg dah tak jalan, Allah turunkan je la bala, dgn harapan, kembali lah.. marahlah.. dah kasi kitab, dah kasi buku, tapi tak baca, baca, tapi tak paham, paham tapi tak buat.. bajet nak baik sorang2, hidup sorang2 tak hirau orang lain yang still mencari2 dalam kegelapan. awak yang Allah dah kasi cahaya tu, dok simpan n pegang je cahaya tu sorang2, takde nak sibuk share ke or at least merasakan cahaya tu satu pemberian Tuhan yang termahal, yang tak mungkin hanya untuk suka-suka, dan takde tujuan n makna..

anyway, cukuplah sekadar ini dulu coretan random dari hati untuk hati yang mencari-cari secebis kekuatan dan secebis iman.

moga Allah mengurniakan aku kekuatan untuk bermujahadah di medan nafsu. Aameen.

Allahu musta'an.

Robarts Library
4:40 AM
March 8, 2012.

bismillah

this song, I specially dedicated to my beloved circle of adik-adik in dnt  saya .. =)


may Allah make our love for DnT stronger and stronger. uhibbukunna fillah!

p/s: I prefer to have this song in acapella rather than with the music instrument.

tentang dia

First Breath After Coma (PeWARIS 2012) from UmarMita on Vimeo.

aku mahu menjadi teman

teman seorang pejuang

aku mahu berjuang

tapi apa sebenarnya yang aku perjuangkan?

Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang sebenar-benarnya beriman hanyalah orang-orang yang percaya kepada Allah dan RasulNya, kemudian mereka (terus percaya dengan) tidak ragu-ragu lagi, serta mereka berjuang dengan harta benda dan jiwa mereka pada jalan Allah; mereka itulah orang-orang yang benar (pengakuan imannya).

( Al Hujurat 15 )

aku mahu bersama dia

berjuang bersama

menjadi teman setia

saat lara

saat suka

saat duka

saat gembira

aku mahu bersamanya

hingga ke syurga

berlari lari mahu mendapatkan syurga

aku dan dia

sepertinya 

langit dan bumi

aku dan dia

mungkinkah bersama?

namun kupercaya

takdir-Nya mengatasi segalanya

walau tidak bersama

kita masih bersaudara

dia bukan biasa

dia somebody yang luarbiasa

hatiku terpaut

terhadap cintanya 

mungkin ini cinta

mungkin ini hanya sekadar mainan jiwa

mungkin ini bukan cinta

namun pasti

andai benar cinta

syurga itu destinasinya

syurga itu arah tujunya

aku mahu dia

bersamaku di jalan ini

bersamaku berlari di jalan ini

bersamaku berkejar-kejaran 

berlumba-lumba antara kami siapa yang bakal sampai dulu ke syurga

ya Tuhan

jiwa mujahid perlu kental

sudah cukup kentalkan jiwaku ini?

untuk benar-benar berjuang bersama pejuang?

"awak tak boleh breakdown"

dia bukan insan biasa

dan aku jua tidak mahu menjadi insan biasa

juga bukan yang biasa-biasa di sisi-Nya

ya robb,

Engkau lebih mengerti

apa yang terpendam di sudut hati

Engkau lebih mengetahui

apa yang terbaik buat diri ini

sungguh tidak kurasa aku yang terbaik buat dirinya

walau mungkin dia terbaik buat diriku

tapi, we cannot be selfish, rite?

Allahu'alam

dalam sujud 

ku memohon

meminta segunung kekuatan

memohon secebis pengertian

pasrah.

benar-benar pasrah

kerna Dia

semuanya hanya kerana Dia.

5:33PM 18 Feb 2012

Southgate Rd,

Ottawa.

perjuangan

moga kita antara mereka yang mewarisi dan diwarisi..

kerna suatu tika nanti

pasti kita semua bakal disoal Ilahi dan juga nabi

Apa yang sudah kita kerjakan di atas dunia ini..

moga tiba waktu itu

kita mampu menjawab

dan punya SAKSI

dan mampu berdiri

membawa saksi

yang menjadi saksi

atas segala kerja kita di dunia yang fana ini

 teruskan berlari!

 kerna waktu tak akan berhenti

dan kita boleh mati pada waktu yang bukan kita ingini..

semalam hari ini dan esok
adalah waktu-waktu yang silih berganti
saban masa ada detik yang mewarisi
detik-detik yang telah pergi

ombak datang dan pergi
tiada henti
silih berganti
sentiasa ada yang mewarisi
mewarisi dan terus mewarisi agar lautan akan terus beralir
hingga manusia mengambil tugas nabi

manusia adalah makhluk
yang melayari waktu
yang memerlukan para pegganti
untuk mewarisi para pelayar waktu yang bakal pergi

agar manusia dan waktu
saling berganding meneruskan sebuah kehidupan
kehidupan sebuah perjuangan

First Breath After Coma

of perception

""Sometimes, what you see isn't actually what it really is. Always stay true to yourself, if you want to people to see the good in you, you should be good, be kind, and not because you want others to see it. It's just who you should be" - Aunty Hani's blog

JAGA tsiqah

all the best sume.
kite kene belajar kuat2!
jgn jd penyebab jatuh tsiqah kat adik2 tgk kite amek benda sambil lewa je
mu'min kene ihsan kan? - askar

LM
Sun 050212

12:25AM
Missisauga,
aunty hani's hse
still in pelarian

runaway

bismillah ..

alhamdulillah kepada-Nya segala pujian

pelarianku kini menemui perhentian

kelanaku sepanjang perjalanan

menimba ilmu, hikmah dan  pelajaran

dari mereka yang berpengalaman

yang melalui dan merasai getirnya ujian

kerana itulah hakikatnya kehidupan

takkan pernah sepi dari dugaan

tiada ujian yang melemahkan

kerna ujian yang bertandang pemberian Tuhan

hanyalah wasilah kita kembali kepada Tuhan

yang menciptakan setiap ujian

yang menciptakan kelemahan dan kekuatan

yang menghadirkan rasa kedamaian

dalam sepi ada cinta

dalam pilu dan luka ada bahagia

dalam sendu ada redha

atas segala yang berlaku dengan izin-Nya

antara kita ujian berbeza

walau apapun ujiannya

yakinlah!

dan tetap teguhlah

untuk melangkah menghadapi segalanya

dengan penuh keimanan

kerana itulah tujuan kita dihidupkan

Wallahu musta'an.

Kepada Allah kita bergantung dan mohon pertolongan