Their Wishes, My Wishes!

I received a lot of wishes from many people surround me. It means a lot if only and only if I want to mean it.

I want to compile it so that it stick in my 'memory stick' while I'm there to keep move foward and not backward. I should remember all the hope and which that needs me to carry on.

So here it goes...


I begin with nyai(grandmother in jawa a.k.a java) that ring me in few hours ago.

nanti kalau rasa tak sesuai dengan tempat baru, baca alfatihah banyak-banyak, 3 qul lepas tu ayat kursi. dalam perjalanan nanti banyak-banyak baca ayat kursi tau.

nanti, jangan cari jodoh orang luar negeri. nanti banyak masalah pulak. dah suka nanti susah la. yang sama-sama belajar takpe. ni nyai kasi ingat...nanti doakan nyai sihat yer. nanti boleh tengok adikqu konvo kat sana..

the only thing i respond, ''ye nyai...baikk..ha..betul tu..'' . ( dalam hati, macam ada hati nak kawen org arab..hoho. tapi sebaiknya tak yahla kot. indah khabar dari rupa. huhu)

then my dear liza called me.

last word from her that i can capture,

ha da dapat peluang ni gunakan sebaiknya. this is what you want before. you struggle for it. then use it. dulu kan ain bersemangat nak buat something kat sana. teruskanlah..

( lebey kurang camni la. not exact one. -_- cepat lupe!)

this morning, kak tiqa my naqibah called me. we talk a lot. about inspiration that i can take

eh takkan la nak duduk diam je kan? mestilah kena bergerak!

then when i told her about syarat khas by jpa and the high expectation to my academic progress while i'm there.

She reminds me back about Allah that can make everything. He the one that can make it easy and difficult. In fact, Allah knows the best for us.

teacher Yas,

amik peluang ni baca buku banyak2 kat sana..make sure that.

this morning - friday

anyah..

nah ni nanti bleh guna kat sana(pen, penel n lead staedtler) duit raya u in advance. mane tau kot i tak jumpa u lagi ke lepas ni. petang ni mungkin abg hafiz nak balik kedah. dah..

jaga diri baik2.."

rasa macam nak hug anyah kuat2.. huhu..malu tapi mahu..

tapi anyah pun nak lekas pegi keje.

hujung ayat tu suara anyah bergetar. i ok je mula2. tapi i tak buleh tgok org nangis. nt i pun ikut nangis same.

i dont feel like leaving. pergi bukan untuk meninggalkan mereka selamanya. pergi untuk merantau. tapi barangkali buleh jadi meninggalkan dunia ini selamanya.huhu.. patut insaf -_-

abah

nanti adik bawak buku tu(nasihat agama dan wasiat iman). hari2 bacalah satu muka. banyak peringatan ada dalam situ.

yai

nanti kena betul2, belajar bersungguh-sungguh belajar..

ye2..aku dengar yai cakap pun, memang betul-betul bersungguh-sungguh..

abah

adik kena buat betul-betul. ini adik pergi belajar pakai duit rakyat tau. orang bayar income tax semua termasuk gaji tax abah pun ada dalam tu. kerajaan dah labur banyak untuk adik belajar ...

huhu..amanah !

mama?

mama mungkin dah terlalu banyak 'sound' smp tak tercapture dah..

my aunty n uncles

cik lili and cik zul

nanti belajar betul-betul tau. jangan sedih-sedih.. nanti baik2 kat sana. dekat china town tu, kadang2 ada mafia. jaga-jaga. jangan jalan sorang-sorang. make sure keluar ada teman. jangan lalu tempat gelap. jangan guna shortcut. ye la..awak perempuan..kena jaga-jaga sikit..

cik man,

nanti u balik pastikan bawak balik first degree honours punya tau!.

cik lutfi,

Selamat Berpuasa. Semoga tabah menghadapi dugaan dan cabaran. I hope you have a safe journey to Canada. I wish you all the best in your studies at University of Toronto.

Ust. Yusri Ariffin, my guru from {1A- 5BS1}

Salam. hari ini moga qain selamat fly dan tiba di toronto canada, dan ust doakan qain selamat di sana, jangan lupa jaga solat dan aqidah islam. Jangan mudah terpengaruh dengan keadaan, bahkan kita yang sepatutnya menguasai keadaan. 'ITTAQILLAH HAISUMA KUNTI' ' KULLU SANATIN WA ANTI BIKHAIR'. Ada kesempatan info2lah pada ust.

Semoga Allah merahmati ust. sekeluarga! Amin ya robb..

~rindu bahasa arab, taranum n qiraat..~ ~_~

my anak murid, sazwani

Saya nak cakap selamat bulan puasa. terima kasih ustazah tapi saya sayangkan ustazah sayang sangat sangat tau. bye.

it is so amazing when someone love you much. I don't feel i did much thing to them. my kids..

now i can feel how amazed it feel when you have kids.

they are so innocent and their heart is pure. you can feel the sincerity from them. how i ardently love them so much. even i dont have kids yet it is good to feel like having it..

Mak Lang Sheila Damansara,

you need to work very hard. tak boleh main-main. you need to make sure you pass the score. you are very lucky. you need to upgrade the standard.
tunjukkan bangsa kita boleh naik.. prove it. kena concentrate betul2..

you must be a bright girl eh. dapat scholar.. belajar oversea..u mesti smart

Kak da, my cousin

Kak da ucapkan selamat jalan. Jaga diri baik-baik di tempat orang. Belajar sungguh-sungguh. Kak da percaya dikqu dapat tamatkan pengajian dengan cemerlang, insyaAllah.

Luv u.

Take care ok.

Kak wa, my cousin too

selamat berjaya kak wa ucapkan

Chu Odah

Jaga diri baik-baik di negeri orang!

Syafiqah Najib, icpu friend and usrah mate at-toriq

AIN:thanx for all those inspiring messages.i keep reading it evryday,you make my inbox full,i feel hard to remove it,haha..air canada tu still ade kat dpn mate.tau tak?dlm diri awak ade sifat ghulam yg kite blaja kat rumah 0912 dgn
sang murabbi tu.teruskan.

I know you’ll do the best, even better that what you’ve shown in ICPU.
I’m glad that I’ve found you all in my life.
You guys open my eyes, to see that life is about trying to be the best that we can reach.

Satisfactory is just a tiny small little word.

What we’re looking forward is “the best among the best”

Someone said to me “be ahead in everything you do.”

I’m glad that the phrase works.

It’s like the aim of the day, every time I open my eyes in every single day.

Even though, there is a sound in my head, “you’ll never reach it with such ability”

Just ignore that voice.

And you, you’re shining, impressive ability, determined, brilliant, influencing.

The word that I’ve never think before, but you all are introducing it to me.

“A leader”

And you’ve worked damn hard for it.

Finally,

You deserve for Canada.

Go! Tomorrow will be your day!

You got the wings to fly!

Plan the best for tomorrow, but live for today.

Be careful in every single step,

Coz you know,

Life is a drawing without an eraser.

Once it is done, it’s done, just proceed.

Maybe you’ll found the day when you’re not on the top.

Don’t worry coz it is just for a while.

Difficulties you got to face there will become the most precious thing in your life.

And because of that precious lesson,

I wish you the strength of all elements

Water to cool you down

Fire to burn your spirit

Air and wind to bring the inspiring news

Earth for you to live

And everything that Allah creates for you.

Remember,

Grateful is everything

We’re moving toward the same direction.

And I believe we’ll meet again at that point.

Selamat fly!!!

Thanks for the memories.

Jazakallah.

Send my regard to fall term once you arrived at Canada.

Irni from former school seri keramat..

igt lg la.. semoge selamat sume kat sane. jaga diri kat sane ye. moge jumpe ag. maap zahir batin.

zaharah, yang sama kelas dr sekolah rendah smp sekolah menengah!

salam. qurtl, da nak fly eh? gudluck tau! jage diri kat tempat orang. selamat jalan. slmt menyambut ramadhan dan rayu kat perantauan! :D

Anhar [3A- 5BS1]

Jaga solat. Jaga diri. Jaga iman. Jaga solat balik. hehe

yup. kalau kita jaga solat, solat tu akan jaga kita..

Dinie, my deskmate when in 2 Akmal

Nidie : come on .. balance la . try to be cool+study+jaga diri+jaga iman n
smua2 la... all in one!

Tn.Aminuddin - BTN

Saya yakin Ain can do it. Saya sentiasa doakan yang terbaik untuk Ain. Apa2 saya doakan selamat belajar dan jaga diri baik-baik di negeri orang.

Kak Ayu

Ain! selamat menempuh alam baru..semoga tsabat menyampaikan Risalah Allah dan membawa pulang Ijazah..kami semua takkan pernah melupakan mu..semoga Allah memilih korang untuk menjadi mus'ab bin umair di sana.. akak tunggu ain kembali ke malaysia ...

Kak Qila

belajar oversea ni kena jadi attentive. nanti kalau ada apa2 problem ke cannot depends on others.

qayyum bazilin

selamat belajar ain

senior

"try to prove your worth!"

"Something wrong with you"

"something wrong with you!"

really?
i guess so ...


but i don't know which part is the wrong one
which part need to repair but
somehow i feel like the whole one need a new HEART with the spirit of

my old time

a broken heart?
i don't know if this heart is broken.

somehow, i know i have broken other people's heart
if you read this, believe me i feel so bad. i feel that i am bad person.
(but i don't think you read this as i believe you have hate me much in your life)

i beg for His forgiveness for my own fault and 'blindness'. bad decision wrong action. after all, nothing much to blame other than myself.

for my entire life, hard for me to forget it. the bad thing in past that i did
and perhaps the hardest thing to let it go
but when we are desperate
sometimes we tends to run from it. maybe not we, it just ME.

no one knows how it feel
and i don't want to feel it more than i need to
until today, even almost nearly reach the end of four season but
i feel like it happen yesterday
just feel like yesterday
and now it has gone
and i need to try
learning to forget and move on
deep from my heart, i'm sorry to make your life like a disaster.
at that moment only He knows
and I believe that the best thing I can do after all

life is just like a drawing without an eraser
i can't erase it even i want it
the only thing is, to take a look and make it better
i can't adjust it the way i want it
to have a change in future that can I have
by today's attitude, action and perception.

i feel like crapping a lot.
sometimes, it just that i want to be heard
even i crapping so much.

however, i hope i'm not make it to a big deal
as it wont give much benefit to most people
including me?

somthing wrong with you.

what the 'something wrong' one?

maybe at one time, i realize it but then i just ignore it. and when it comes to you, i don't know which part in me that i need to start warming it up again. the only thing i know is SPIRIT>

the spirit that I lack of.

the spirit of STRUGGLE.

the old and REAL me that I've lost it for sometime.

As I have pay for it

aduhh..dilema betul r
residence oh residence..
duit da bayar.
nak tunggu tak nak tunggu?
i'm the one that goin to face it not others
can't i make my own decision?
coz i'm the one that goin to live in with that choice

i knew i need to refer my parent
and believe me they will think about money
money that I have paid

and because of money i am stuck!

i knew it cost a lot. almost a thousand(if in ringgit)
its not a cheap one. bukan satu dua ringgit
but to value back

life there is not like here
i need at least someone that i can refer to
i believe to live with a senior can be a good thing
as experience is so worth it

how could I choose and make a decision in less than 24 hours
between me and my parents
between me and my life
between me and MONEY!

I can just proceed without considering money
but it's hard to proceed when my parent not favor it
i'm like 'divideable'..

thinking again, my value not on money
one thing that i can sure to have it
at least if i can be with the senior
i already sure i will live with a muslim
and can pray jemaah with her
that's good enough for me.

Talking to mama, she asked me to wait for the residence.
Talking to my sis, the same thing it goes. she said, since I have pay for it.
Talking to abah? I sure he will said the same thing.

and the money is non-refundable.
if it is refundable, then it will not be a problem.

yet, still bothering me to make a decision

ya Allah..please help me to help myself ~_~

*******
1400PM

ikut je la cakap mama
walau kehendak aku berbeza
tapi mungkin ada keberkatan bila ada restu
supaya nanti hati pun tak bercelaru
i don't know what can be in future
so much uncertain things
but I have to believe that there must be a hikmah
why Allah put me in this situation
why Allah give me this PROBLEM
testing my inward


being a waiter
i always used to be a waiter
i'm going to wait for something better
may the BEST will be mine
as I have 'pay' for it

amin.

***************

baru lepas cakap dengan mama n baru lepas solat. mama suruh tunggu. aku cakap, ada kebarangkalian dia campak bagi tempat jauh sebab sekarang tempat kat vic dah penuh. mama cakap, "mana tau kalau ada rezeki. ada orang nak keluar ke.."bila mama cakap macam tu, ingatkan aku macam suatu situasi dulu. izlina dulu pun cakap kat aku macam tu masa aku belum dapat fly. Dia kata, "kalau ada rezeki, adela..". cair aku dengar. huhu. sepatah tu je cukup buat jantung aku bergetar seketika. mengingatkan aku untuk berpegang, bergantunglah dekat Dia. sebab Dia yang pegang segala-galanya. baiklah.

Have FAITH in Him!

benda nampak small matter. just either yes and no. and you can't choose to be in between. when it come to choose it. so much things should be consider. sampai kadang2 terlupa untuk letakkan setinggi pengharapan pada Dia. itulah namanya ujian..

by having faith in Him, I believe He will give the best for me. Thinking to get the best thing from Him, and have the best .

Dirimu begitu berharga. What can I do?

Dirimu adalah aset.
Asetku untuk melaksanakan tugas dakwah itu dengan lebih gencar
Andai kau tahu ..



As day by day, our beloved land, Malaysia become chronic and worse with the popular disease which is Influenza A a.k.a H1N1. Therefore, here I would like to share a post regarding that for us to take precaution step as prevention is better than cure.

What can I do to protect myself from catching influenza A(H1N1)?

The main route of transmission of the new influenza A(H1N1) virus seems to be similar to seasonal influenza, via droplets that are expelled by speaking, sneezing or coughing. You can prevent getting infected by avoiding close contact with people who show influenza-like symptoms (trying to maintain a distance of about 1 metre if possible) and taking the following measures:

* avoid touching your mouth and nose;
* clean hands thoroughly with soap and water, or cleanse them with an alcohol-based hand rub on a regular basis (especially if touching the mouth and nose, or surfaces that are potentially contaminated);
* avoid close contact with people who might be ill;
* reduce the time spent in crowded settings if possible;
* improve airflow in your living space by opening windows;
* practise good health habits including adequate sleep, eating nutritious food, and keeping physically active.:

My suggestion

• As a muslim, pray a lot that Allah will protect us from this disease.

A doa that we can practice - which I took it from ratib al-attas which is a type of zikr collection.

Yaa Latif-an lam yazal
Ultuf binaa feemaa nazal
Innaka Latif-un lam tazal
Ultuf binaa wa'l Muslimin
(3 times)

O One Who is Most Kind,
Who never ceases to be kind,
Be kind to us in what befalls us,
You are indeed the Most Kind
Who never ceases to be kind,
Be kind to us and all the Muslims.

Malay:
Wahai Tuhan yang senantiasa berlemah lembut, lemah lembutlah terhadap kami dari segala apa yang turun dari(balak dan wabak), sesungguhnya Engkau senantiasa berlemah lembut. Berlembah lembutlah terhadap kami dan kaum muslimin.

Another Doa:

Aslahallāhu umūra’l Muslimīn
Sarafallāhu sharra’l mu’dhīn

May Allāh improve the affairs of the Muslims,
may Allāh turn away the evil of the harmful.

Thats are do'a that I can share.

What about using a mask? What does WHO recommend?

If you are not sick you do not have to wear a mask.

If you are caring for a sick person, you can wear a mask when you are in close contact with the ill person and dispose of it immediately after contact, and cleanse your hands thoroughly afterwards.

If you are sick and must travel or be around others, cover your mouth and nose.

Using a mask correctly in all situations is essential.
Incorrect use actually increases the chance of spreading infection.

How do I know if I have influenza A(H1N1)?

You will not be able to tell the difference between seasonal flu and influenza A(H1N1) without medical help. Typical symptoms to watch for are similar to seasonal viruses and include fever, cough, headache, body aches, sore throat and runny nose. Only your medical practitioner and local health authority can confirm a case of influenza A(H1N1).

What should I do if I think I have the illness?

If you feel unwell, have high fever, cough or sore throat:

* stay at home and keep away from work, school or crowds;
* rest and take plenty of fluids;
* cover your nose and mouth when coughing and sneezing and, if using tissues, make sure you dispose of them carefully. Clean your hands immediately after with soap and water or cleanse them with an alcohol-based hand rub;
* if you do not have a tissue close by when you cough or sneeze, cover your mouth as much as possible with the crook of your elbow;
* use a mask to help you contain the spread of droplets when you are around others, but be sure to do so correctly;
* inform family and friends about your illness and try to avoid contact with other people;
* If possible, contact a health professional before traveling to a health facility to discuss whether a medical examination is necessary.

Should I take an antiviral now just in case I catch the new virus?

No. You should only take an antiviral, such as oseltamivir or zanamivir, if your health care provider advises you to do so. Individuals should not buy medicines to prevent or fight this new influenza without a prescription, and they should exercise caution in buying antivirals over the Internet.

What about breastfeeding? Should I stop if I am ill?

No, not unless your health care provider advises it. Studies on other influenza infections show that breastfeeding is most likely protective for babies - it passes on helpful maternal immunities and lowers the risk of respiratory disease. Breastfeeding provides the best overall nutrition for babies and increases their defense factors to fight illness.

When should someone seek medical care?

A person should seek medical care if they experience:

1. shortness of breath or difficulty breathing, or
2. if a fever continues more than three days.

For parents with a young child who is ill, seek medical care if a child has fast or labored breathing, continuing fever or convulsions (seizures).

* Supportive care at home
- by resting,
* drinking plenty of fluids and
* using a pain reliever for aches - is adequate for recovery in most cases. (A non-aspirin pain reliever should be used by children and young adults because of the risk of Reye's syndrome.)

Should I go to work if I have the flu but am feeling OK?

No. Whether you have influenza A(H1N1) or a seasonal influenza, you should stay home and away from work through the duration of your symptoms. This is a precaution that can protect your work colleagues and others.
Can I travel?

If you are feeling unwell or have symptoms of influenza, you should not travel. If you have any doubts about your health, you should check with your health care provider.

Jangan takut!
wa man yu'min Billahi laa khawfun 'alaih.
Barangsiapa beriman kepada Allah. Tiada ketakutan atas dirinya.

p/s:most information source from WHO website.
But some of it I add up by myself.

Should I know the reason?

Nothing should be shame in doing the right thing

I feel shame.
supposedly I shouldn't
maybe inside me still in the dark of moonlight

the white rose ..
that going to blossom in time

am I too brave?

I still keep the flower in my hand
and the flower shouldn't be touched

maybe I should keep the flower in the garden
till the wind come and spread the smell

stop playing with feeling
stop playing with the card

because the game is over
but even it is over,
I believe beside the word,
it is a comma not a fullstop

Your Choice is Yours

Sometimes we want it but we can't have it
Sometimes we can have it but we just don't want it at the moment
Sometimes life is so much 'complicating'

between we 'WANT' it, 'DO' it and 'HAVE' it..

Be
Do
Have ..

it is not easy as it is.

Life will never satisfy until we feel satisfy with life.
Life will never enough for us until we feel enough with the life we live in.

I pray that Allah give me the best for my life. As I want to try my best to please Him.

No matter what, the choice you make won't hold me back.

Bila aku terfikir kalau aku ada anak..

sesaat aku terfikir. mendidik jiwa itu bukan perkara mudah.

saat ini, aku bahagia dengan hidup aku sebagai guru. walaupun sementara waktu. pastinya, ini satu perkara dan tugas yang memang jauh di sudut hati mahu aku lakukan. dan syukur segala puji bagi-Nya, memberi aku peluang dan satu anugerah yang tak ternilai harganya. SAHAM akhirat!

walaupun hanya mengajar alif ba ta, ajar mengeja, mengenal huruf, tapi cukup itu membuat aku rasa bahagia dan senang sekali.

tapi, tugas ini bukan mudah.
berhadapan dengan perangai budak2 yang tak tentu hala, ada yang terlalu kebudak-budakan, dan ada yang memang tak mendengar kata. ada yang malas buat kerja. ada yang degil tak dengar cakap. asyik nak bermain je.

itu memang fitrah manusia yang bergelar budak2.
melarang dia dari bermain tu rasanya ibarat menentang fitrah.
aku dapat rasa, satu kelemahan aku ialah untuk mengawal kelas.


kalau setakat nak ajar budak, aku rasa aku mampu buat. tapi, bila dapat kelas yang budak2 dia 'hardcore' ..ya Allah..Allah je tau. rasa nak tempeleng budak pun ade. bila dah geram. nakal, memang nakal.

mengajar dan mendidik perkara yang berbeza. sejauh mana aku mampu mendidik tatkala mengajar? aku merasakan, sekolah bukanlah tempat menerima asuhan. semuanya bermula dari rumah. dan sesaat aku terfikir, masa depan yang macamana aku nak? yang aku harapkan? pastinya aku harapkan, andai aku punya anak suatu hari, aku dapat mendidik dia sepenuhnya. dan tugas itu sememangnya tanggungjawab utama ibu bapa.

aku terasa aku nak jadi suri rumah sepenuh masa. tapi aku tak pasti apakah itu dapat menjadi realiti dengan keadaan semasa. saat ini, terasa ibarat Allah sedang memberi aku pilihan untuk menentukan hala hidupku. hakikat belajar sebenar bukan di sekolah. hakikat 'sekolah' sebenar bukan di sekolah. itu apa yang aku rasa.

bila aku perhatikan anak murid aku, memang aku rasakan ibu bapa segala2nya. kat sekolah boleh la setakat nak belajar macam2. tapi itu hanya ilmu. faham nya? belum tentu.

tapi realiti hidup, ibu bapa sibuk bekerja. bila dua2 bekerja, nasib anak siapa yang jaga? didikan dan asuhan? pelajaran? sedikit sebanyak akan ada yang terabai.

kadang2 aku ada jugak terasa, kalau aku ada anak, aku akan cek satu2 apa yang dia belajar, apa yang dia buat kat sekolah, semak buku sekolah satu persatu, dan mungkin siap mengajar lagi kalau aku boleh.

bila aku tengok sukatan j-qaf, aku rasa..alahai..kalau macam ni sukatan dia, nak harap kat sekolah, alamatnya darjah 6 baru reti solat la jwabnya!..

maksudnya, sukatan ada, yang pada aku ringan. tapi tak boleh jugak nak salahkan sukatan sebab seringan2 sukatan yang ada tu pun budak2 ada yang masih ketinggalan. salah siapaa? aku tak tau apakah sapa2 patut dipersalahkan. kontroversi la pulak nak cari salah siapa.paling penting cari solusi. tapi tetap jugak aku rasakan, solusi tu terletak kat mak bapak. ibu bapa yang patut bertanggunjawab segalanya atas anak. kat rumah lagi patut da dipersiapkan sikit2 fardhu ain. diajar baca Quran.umur 7 tahun patut dah boleh baca muqaddam. bukan umur 10 tahun masih mengeja alif ba ta! tapi tak pe la. aku sedar, tak semua ibu bapa pun ada asas agama. jadinya, mengharapkan dengan ada sekolah, anak dia dapat jadi lebih baik.

aku mengerti. tapi itulah pentingnya ilmu, kefahaman dan kesedaran. bila terfikir pasal benda ni, ada keinginan yang tersemat di hati aku, nak jadi ibu yang hebat. hebat dari segi didik anak tu, ajar anak tu macam2. aku tengok kat sekolah kebangsaan ni, agama tu macam kureng. bayangkan, kalau sehari hanya satu jam je belajar agama. dan dalam seminggu, mungkin tak smpai 10 jam. apalah sangat si anak tu belajar? dalam kelas pun belum tentu tumpukan perhatian. main2 memanjang. yela bila dah ada kwan, mana tak seronok. pengaruh kawan tu lagi kuat. bila mengajar, tak tumpu, apalah sangat yang dia dapat? alih2, dia hanya sekadar ikut2 je. lepas tu, apa yang dia faham? ini berdasarkan pemerhatian aku bila tengok gelagat setiap budak2 kat sekolah tu. guru tak boleh nak follow up satu2 murid. tugas sapa yang nak bagi budak ni faham dengan ilmu yang dia dah ada? tak ke mak bapak tu?

dan aku rasakan, budak2 masa umur 6-9 tahun ni la masa emas, yang boleh nak bentuk. kalau acah nak bagi gula2 ke, hadiah, mesti dia akan buat. walaupun aku hidup belum berumahtangga, tapi bila melihat jauh ke depan, ini yang aku terfikir. mempersiapkan diri dengan sesuatu yang boleh datangkan manfaat pada generasi yang akan datang.

aku tak taulah apa yang aku fikir ni hanya setakat 'impian' atau aku benar-benar nak jadikan kenyataan. jauh di sudut hati aku, kalau diberi pilihan, kalau berumah tangga nanti aku memang harap aku boleh jadi suri rumah sepenuh masa. mungkin ni satu fikiran 'kolot' tapi entahlah. pada aku, anak tu modal and yang terlalu berharga. terlalu rugi andai terabai. dan memang hadis nabi, anak2 ni ibarat kain putih. yang warnakannya ialah ibu bapa. tapi, kalau jadi suri rumah pun, takdela macam duduk rumah je. mungkin bekerja dari rumah ke. 5-6 tahun akan datang, dunia mesti berbeza. sekarang semua dah boleh dibuat dengan alam maya. keluar rumah atas urusan dakwah, nak menuntut ilmu, atau apa2 je la yang bermanfaat.

tapi kalau ada kat rumah sebab kerja..hmm..entahlah. tak tau lagi macamana.

ada budak tadi tanya aku,
''ustazah nanti dah besar nak jadi apa?''

aikk budak ni..patut aku yang tanya soalan tu kat dia. terus terpintas kat fikiran aku, aku ni tak cukup besar lagi agaknya bagi dia..haha..

aku tefikir. susah jugak nak jawab soalan budak ni..yang terfikir2 jawapan yang berlegar dalam fikiran aku waktu tu, peguam..tapi sejauh mana aku betul2 nak jadi peguam, kat situ masih ada sangsi n keraguan.

alih2 aku just jawab..
"nak jadi orang berguna..." sambil senyum n tersengih..=J

terfikir lagi aku, saat ni hidup aku memang agak 'terisi'. terisi tapi kadang tak berisi. dapat faham ke? huhu..takdela. jadual harian, pagi2 dah pergi sekolah. mengajar budak2. ada masa kosong, bila tak mengajar, menanda buku budak. sebahagian masa dan hidup aku saat ni, dengan anak murid. yela dari isnin smpai jumaat. habis sekolah pukul 1. kadang2 ada kelas tasmik. kadang2 ada ajar budak mengaji. dan aku ambik masa, cuba nak datang surau yang memang hari2 ada buat kelas agama. sekadar ambik masa tu jela nak top up ilmu, mencerah n menghidupkan hati yang kadang2 layu ni. balik rumah, masa dengan famili. tapi takdela buat apa sangat pun kadang2.

sebab tu aku tefikir, andaikata nanti aku bekerja. bukanlah kerja cikgu ni. kerja pejabat misalnya. bayangkan jela. 7-5 kerja kat pejabat. balik rumah dah macam penat. masa dengan anak2 nanti macamana? nak layan budak2 ni yang macam2 kehendak dia. jauh aku fikir. usia muda lagi. entah ada calon entah tak. dah cakap benda yang belum tentu pasti. tapi aku tau ada je mak bapak yang mampu buat tu semua. aku memang salute r kalau ada. yang boleh kawal diri, walau penat, tapi semangat kuat.


kenapa nak jadi suri rumah ?

banyak sebab. antaranya ialah, mendidik anak sekarang bukan lagi macam anak zaman dulu.(macamla aku pernah hidup zaman dulu..) tapi nak katanya, cabaran dia sangat hebat. bayangkan je la, anak2 tu kalau dah membesar atau dalam persekitaran yang hari2 penuh hiburan..dengan kemajuan teknologi lagi..

bila fikir pasal ni, masuk pulak pasal soal tuntutan dalam islam.
bila tefikir soal ni, aku pun tak dapat nak menjawab dengan seikhlasnya atau sejujurnya..

habis tu, sekarang ni, ilmu apa yg paling dituntut untuk belajar dalam islam?
aku macam dah ada jawapan tapi tak tau macamana nak buat keputusan.
antara kehendak dan satu tuntutan. antara kehendak dan satu keperluan.

aku tau, kalau aku nak betul2 meneliti, nak 'abadikan' diri didik anak2 di kemudian hari, aku perlukan ilmu-ilmu macam psikologi, asas-asas agama kena mantapkan. lepas tu, diri sendiri pun kena la jugak betulkan kan..itu paling utamalah..bukanlah bermakna jadi hamba kat anak tu. tapi macam nak khaskan diri untuk didik anak2. persiapkan diri dia dengan macam2. mestilah aku pun kena bersiap2kan..apa2 pun jugak tak bermakna, ilmu dunia diketepikan. cuma yang mana patut jadi keutamaan, itulah satu persoalan yang perlukan jawapan yang jelas.

aku terfikir lagi, andaikatalah aku fly, belajar pasal international relations, lepas tu, macamana masa depan? kerjaya nya macamana? mesti la kerja dengan kerajaan kan.da ada bon biasiswa. mesti sampai 4-5 tahun. kalau ikutkan,memanglah hati, niat ikhlas belajar tu untuk islam, kerana Allah. tak de msalah dari segi tu. tapi dari segi, tuntutan yang sebenar dalam islam. mana yang lebih dituntut untuk dikerjakan. peranan seorang wanita tu sendiri dalam merubah dunia ni da cukup besar aku rasa. peranan seorang ibu..dan jugak bapa..

ish tula.memang susah kan nak bertindak dengan apa yang kita fikirkan.

ha inilah aku..setakat terfikir je. tapi takde kemana sangat pun. huhu. fikir2 tapi tak ternampak pintu jalan. fikir punya fikir, tapi belum terjalan..tapi orang kata berfikir tu lebih baik dari ape ntah..aku tak berapa ingat perumpamaan tu.

setakat ni jela coretan minda aku. paling kurang, kalau 5-6 tahun lagi, terbaca balik post ni, mengingatkan aku akan 'harapan' dan 'impian' yang aku simpan jauh di sudut pedalaman. dan pemikiran yang masih lagi 'suci' belum terpengaruh dengan apa2 yang 'menggoda'/

moga ia memberi satu inspirasi pada masa akan datang.

aku pun tak tau patut berfikir yang macamana, dan bertindak sekali. yang pasti, aku ibarat hanya mengikut 'arus' dan 'adat'. walau tefikir yang 'macam2' tapi belum lagi kot mampu untuk bertindak diluar 'kebiasaan'..


sebarang komen, dialu-alukan.

sekian. post yang agak skema..

The Appeal and other significances

I need to brush up my English. Really!! I can't denied that it is important. My vocab so rusted! Now I try to start practice my writing skill. I MUST!!!

Anyway, today I have accomplish my mission to go Putrajaya and send my second appeal letter with recommendation letter from few of my teachers and councellor to JPA. I have made up to see Director of Bhgn. Modal Insan. When I was there, I was so nervous. My heart was shaking and my mind is empty. I have no words to say. Unfortunately, I am unable to meet him in person because he is so busy. I manage to get see his face just for a while after his meeting. I wait for so long but still cannot see him. It's okay. I redho for that. Keep the patience in me.

Even that 'dream' to meet the director not accomplished, at least I meet the JPA officer. Have some conversations with him. He asked me, what's the matter. and I told my story but at that time I don't know why I'm so nervous until my voice was stuck. My voice was very limited and I didn't talk much even before this I feel like I want to say how mean am I to this appeal. But during that moment, it just like nothing. I don't really feel anything. No strong feeling. I'm not putting too much hope anymore. NO more.



Before, I used to put so much hope but I start to stop myself from doing that and let start to be real. I put so much hope when I pray. I am bias to fly not pray that may Allah give me the best thing. and it is a bit pressure when I do that. Putting too much hope until at one point, I am 'tired' to hope or starting to feel no point to put a hope. However, thankful and glad that when I feel that 'down', I start to calm down myself. Trying to find, 'hey what am I looking for?' What are you searching for, Qur? IF you really fly, then what? Sometimes, I asked myself, and sometimes I'm unable to answer it. I would admit that it is more to nafs sometimes. It is right to have 'exposure' like I used to mentioned to others but what's the matter with exposure?

Anything it is, I have the conclusion, just be happy with anything it is. As that is what this life I'm searching for. I'm searching for Allah's bless. I should accept anything that Allah give to me. Accept means be happy with it. Even it is not satisfy us sometimes but to be satisfied and to feel enough with what we have that is the key of true happiness. Even if let say, I'm going there, that doesn't promise that I will be happy. Even if we follow the 'normality' as a person is, to get something like that we should be happy for it.

Enough is enough. I'm waiting answer from JPA whether to reconsider my appeal is accepted or denied. It is jumpy. I'm nervous to know the answer. It teach me to be patient. It teaches me to have faith in Allah. It teaches me to be strong. I'm not sure whether I'm stronger for now but it teaches me a lot that don't waste the chance and opportunity that given to you. I believe that I have done a lot of mistakes throughout my ICPU's life.

one thing that I could say, is the problem to put PRIORITY. and first think first. Sometimes, I failed in doing that. It teaches me, DON'T TAKE FOR GRANTED evEn the tiny and slightest thing as it might impact in future. I admit that I'm not taking serious sometimes in my study. I mean serious means 'comitted'. But somehow I also don't want to be hamba to study. I'm still in journey to understand the most important thing in my life. Is study is so much important or there are other thing that are much much important more than study but not put aside the importance of study itself.

I admit and realize my weakness in doing so and so but I'm not denying that maybe this has fated to me to teach me a lesson in life. I rarely being 'test' such thing like this. Most of my life, I excel in my studies. Even I'm not super or damn good but I would say the end result from the big exam like UPSR, PMR, and SPM is far better and excellent I would say.

but then, I would say that it is me that did not any effort. I'm only lack in certain thing. I believe there are room for improvements. Humans won't run from doing mistakes. From mistakes we learnt a lesson. but my father told me, the smart people will learn mistake from other people mistakes not his own. It's okay. I'm getting there. I still remember my dear friend said to me to boost my spirit, don't forget to celebrate your success when you finding or realizing your mistakes. Success need to be celebrated to as that is the energy to grow stronger.

I talked to my dear awin. she feel happy to hear that the appeal really will be considered and special meeting and committe is arranged purposely. I don't really feel it but I knew it is something significant. To her, it is a good news as maybe there are progress along the way. And of course berdebar utk tau keputusan dia.

apa2 pun, she remind me again that this is really a test by telling that long time a go she really want medic but she didnt get it. she got into taylors and get T-A-R-B-I-Y-A-H and that is so sweet. I admit that. got the same thing. I glad, I got something that make me closer to Him. Make me want to make anything that leads a way to Him. It is so significant. And this is really a test that test on faith and reliance on Him. SO much things that I got from this test. YA Allah. Thank you so much.

Everything happen must be reasons. I believe there are hikmah so much. and it's not only a test of faith. But it test my stand, my principle, my ideologies and understanding. I want to say this. SEGALA apa yang diperkatakan, yang dikatakan, yang didakwahkan pada orang lain, benda tu akan datang balik untuk menguji kita. Sejauh mana kita benar-benar dengan apa yang kita cakap. I really feel it now.

I would say, if let say, anything to be, andai takdir tak fly, tapi dapat menambah amal n iman, aku rasa berbaloi. Sebab takde yang lebih berharga dari tu. Nak dapat iman pun bukan senang. Bila dah diuji baru tau sejauh mana benarnya kita berpegang dengan apa yang kita biasa cakapkan selama ni. Seteguh mana keyakinan dan kepercayaan tu tertanam dalam diri. no matter what, what's the thing in my life that I'm searching for? Nikmat dunia hanya sementara. I need to rememember that everything it is, Allah lend it to me. Anytime, He can take it back. SO bear in mind that He can make anything that He wishes. It just that we need to make effort and try the best.

There are one time that in my mind when thinking to go for oversea. There are some obstacles and I don't know what will it be if it really be. It is a clash when it comes to a dream to be realized, a demand to be satisfied and a rule to be obeyed.

When I knew about the hadis of a woman that cannot go to anywhere that consume one night journey without mahram, I think a lot. There is in my mind that no use to be there if that is haram. But it is not absolute haram as it is khilaf. Means there are diffrence opinions between scholars and you can take which opinion that closed to you. I can take opinion that I feel strong and also opinion that is relevant. If i'm not mistaken based on opinon of Ibn Taimiyah that said, it is not haram. He analysed the hadis in depth. But most scholar take zahir hadis as clear cut without compromise. and I also have asked few people that I trust his knowledge and someone that I can refer. The latest, I asked this one ustaz. This ustaz, I asked him with my father. At that time, in getting the answer my father beside me. Well, before, my father also mentioned the same thing to me about haram to musafir without mahram for woman. It's a bit hard on me. In a way to fulfil my dream and also to obey syari'atullah. And when it comes to this, I knew I don't have much choices. AS this life, Have syariat to be followed. We can't live follow our likes. Something that we like in islam we take it but things that we don't like or hard to do we leave it. That's not the true muslim as a muslim he or she need to take it as whole. It is the way of life.

But in this case, it is khilaf. It is not absolute haram. There are some scholars that say it is not regarding to current situation. Maybe later I could post something about the opinions of scholar about this. However, it is just me that I feel maybe I am stronger to the opinion of haram one. and perhaps maybe there have hikmah and reason for Allah not made up way for me to be there. Especially during this time that people label it as 'critical' with those uprising cases of H1N1. Anway, back to the ustaz that I asked, he also said the same thing as what I used to discussed with one of my friend.

If it is haram, there is a way to make it halal. Islam not stop me to realize my dream. I believe everything in islam there are reasons and I believe islam that protect me. my favor upon islam is almost evertyhing. so if I have accept islam as the true one, accept it is the way of my life conduct. the halal way is By having mahram. and a way to that in this situation by having marriage .

why is it so important to me about this halal and haram? What's the point to do the halal thing and the haram thing? This signify that i'm having faith that Allah is one that I recognized as my Lord. He is the one that I worship so it is important to obey what He asked and not to do what He hated.

If not, if I do anything I WANT and I LIKE to do, so wha't the purpose that Allah set rules? If I'm not obey. Even when I was in ICPU in law class, the purpose of law to be made, people need to obey to the rules that has been set up. If rules are disobey, chaos will happen. One thing about obey, I would say this is very close with the PURPOSE OF MY LIFE that I'm so clear about it.

Az-zariyat : 56 - refer to Quran

it means something not far like this that Allah said,

'I'm not making human and jinx except to worship Me(Allah as God)'

So, in conclusion to make it short, halal and haram is one part of SUBMISSION to my Lord. That's why it is important to me to make sure the conduct and act that I did is allowed in islam or not. All that means a lot for my life. As I have accept that to have GOD in my life. To recognize that nothing should be worship other than Allah as a God and Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah.

I only can pray for the best.

There are khilaf in opinion. and I believe Allah knows the best. 

Agama itu tidak menyukarkan.

anyway, my heart getting cool down when my best friend used to say to me, 'kalau ada rezeki adalah. tak payah risau..' entah lah. even dia cakap simple macam tu, tapi menusuk ke kalbu. tak tau kenapa. menenangkan. Remind me that, if Allah let it be, it will be. So no worries, be happy!

I getting myself back. The confidence, the strength, the spirit, the courage to make this far. I get contact to everyone that dear to me. Let them know my current situation and asked them to pray for me. Before this, I am so hopeful but currently I try to let it be. I have tried to give the last try and do anything that I can do, and we will see the result soon.

I enjoyed doing my job. Teaching kids to read Quran, I feel so blessed because I able to practic one of hadis nabi that mentioned the best people among you is one that learn Al-Quran and teach it. I am happy for that. It is a pleasure to teach them to read Iqra'. I never expect to have this opportunity and chance but it is real. This is something that I really one to do and I have think about it before I gradute last month and it is unbelievable sometimes to be real. Sometimes I feel funny to be in school because I have no experience in teaching at it really challenges me to be a GOOD TEACHER and EDUCATOR. There are so much things that I need to improved and do before the time is up. I really love those kids. Some are so much adorable. With little cute one even the naughty one. Sometimes feel like I want to have one. Haha..InsyaAllah one day.

to teach them, teach me to teach myself. Do what you teach! It's really a reminder ever to me. and always need to keep in mind that now I'm a teacher, I need to look upon my behaviour more.

I guess, I will make another post talking about my expriences so far in teaching. It's really nice if I could express it.

I should feel glad not matter what as there are many other people that not fortunate like me. I should realize that and I should appreciate everything that I have for now before I lost it. You just feel something so great and mean when it is taken from you. Like me, I feel the lost of opportunity is also an opportunity and space for other things. for example, the chance to get something better than that. becuase we never know what is good for us. We think it good for ourselves but it is not confirmed yet. Perhaps it maybe things that we like is not good for us in real.Nevertheless, at one side I feel the lost. and for next time, I'm not going to let go any opportunity that I have. The chance is only one. Even to live, it's only once.

Till then, I should stop here.

New SKIN!

In conjuction with my change of new skin, I believe that I want change in my life starting from this moment.

Reason that I choose this skin is because of the texture. It looks like a notepad which shows the

->Integrity
->Excellence
->Wisdom

Like Taylor's motto!


As we learn, of course we need to have notes. Jotted down notes is one of important step to be smart. Therefore, here is the notes of my life. Notes from lesson of my life.

Template yang lama sudah genap setahun. Aku masih ingat lagi saat itu. Dan saat itu bergetar jiwa dan imanku. Hati yang barangkali dikuasai nafsu. Namun itu perkara setahun lalu. Dan aku jua mahu melupakannya. Usah dikenang perkara lalu. Teruslah mara untuk maju.

Ku kira, sejak bertukar tempate tu,saat mulanya kehidupan di Taylors. menghadapi saat susah senang kehidupan di ICPU, pahit manisnya, dan manisnya bila ku jumpa ~T.A.R.B.I.Y.A.H~ dan ukhuwah yang manis sekali di situ. Aku rindu kalian! Moga ukhuwah ini benar-benar kerana Allah. Kita bertemu kerana Allah. Kita berpisah(hanya sementara kerana pasti kan ketemu di syurga nanti insha Allah) jua kerana Allah. Berpisah kita untuk menyambung cita-cita. Meneruskan perjuangan membawa islam itu ke serata dunia.

Aduhai..Sayang sekali, aku terlupa untuk buat screenshot, mengabadikan template yang lama itu. Tak apela. biar ku simpan dalam ingatan. Template yang penuh kenangan.

Kini, kulit baru. harapan baru. sinar baru. Aku mahu memberi pencerahan yang baru. Mulakan azam yang baru walau tahun baru belum tiba.

Nota-nota kehidupanku, moga rententan hidupku dapat diabadikan di sini menjadi pedoman.

Amanah yang berat bila berilmu

lama betul tak update blog. aku sekarang ni, mengalami krisis diri. dimana pencapaian menurun, produktiviti pun begitu. aku pun tak tau mana pergi semangat itu. mana pergi jiwa itu. mana pergi amalan itu? semangat yang membuat aku hidup. hidup dan BERGERAK.
minda aku seakan kaku. aku biar hidup ku begitu. hatiku kadang2 dihinggap pilu dan aku tahu aku perlu melakukan sesuatu.

aku kini?

entah. ilmu tanpa amal ibarat pohon tak berbuah. sebut pasal ilmu, kurasakan sejak sebulan lalu, terlalu banyak rasanya input yang aku dapat tapi terperangkap dalam diri. ilmu itu satu amanah dan aku seakan buntu bagaimana dapat aku melaksanakan amanah yang satu ini. 'membebaskan' ilmu yang terperap dalam buku nota dan pengalaman hidup yang mengajar diri ini jua.bermula dari macam2 program, FCR, daurah, program sana program sini, ceramah sana ceramah sini. bandingkan pula mereka yang jarang2 ke majlis ilmu. tidakkah nanti aku akan ditanya? apakah aku sudah berusaha menyampaikan setiap satu ilmu yang aku perolehi? sejauh mana pulak aku beramal dengan ilmu.

harapan mungkin tinggal harapan. dan khayalan itu hanya menyesakkan fikiran.

aku mahu bergerak melakukan sesuatu.
kenapa lembik menerima ujian ini?
belum lagi diuji dengan hal yang lain.
bukankah aku pemuda harapan islam?
mana perginya roh itu?

Mafhum hadis nabi s.a.w., sampaikanlah walaupun seayat.(ke sehuruf? aku kurang pasti. tapi lebih kurang begitulah. yang penting pointnya SAMPAIKAN)

setakat ni aku rasa dah beratus2 ayat dah aku dengar. tapi beku. aku mahu manfaatkan ilmu yang hampir berhabuk di hujung buku. menilai sebanyak ilmu yang ditimba dan sebanyak mana pula aku beramal dengan ilmu2 tersebut. aku cukup takut mengenangkan ilmu itu satu amanah. sebab, memang ruang dan peluang aku mendapatkan ilmu(lebih-lebih lagi ilmu agama) agak mudah, dan aku tahu satu cara untuk dimanfaatkan ilmu itu ialah melalui tulisan.

cuma masa perlu diperuntukkan sedemikiannya namun belum terdaya melakukannya. separuh hari masaku terbang dengan kanak2 riang yang menjadi harapanku sebagai saham akhirat. mengajar dan mendidik itu bukan mudah. walaupun begitu masa suntuk apakah itu alasan semata? Ilmu itu satu amanah. amanah tetap amanah! yang pasti kekuatan sedang dibina dari diri yang merasa lemah.

ya Allah bantu aku kembali bernafas dalam jiwa itu..